


Whipped

by This_is_The_Phantom_Lady



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Addiction, Aftercare, Anal Play, Angst, BDSM, Bisexuality, Bondage, Canes, Caning, Consensual Violence, Corporal Punishment, Cutting, Dark, Dom/sub, Dominance, Dominatrix, Drugged Sex, Eating Disorders, Enemas, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Femdom, Femslash, Force-Feeding, Forced Orgasm, Gags, Gay, Hardcore, Humiliation, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Sex, Mental Breakdown, Mother Complex, Needles, Nipple Clamps, Pain, Painful Sex, Painplay, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Sex Toys, Sexual Slavery, Slash, Slavery, Smut, Spanking, Submission, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Torture, Triggers, Violence, Whipping, adlerlock, enema, recreational scolding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 19:20:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 51
Words: 48,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3085046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_is_The_Phantom_Lady/pseuds/This_is_The_Phantom_Lady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mira, a young homeless woman is acquired by Miss A. the dominatrix; who needs someone to test her methods on.<br/>It proves to be a painful road for the young woman.</p><p> </p><p>This contains major triggers for people with issues with self-harm. Please proceed with caution.</p><p> </p><p>(Background story of Mira from my fic "The On-Call Corpse")</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Woman

As I allowed the rusty steel blade to shift between my fingers I knew it was wrong. I knew it was wrong from the first time; a long, long time ago.… But just feeling the dull blade against my skin gave me that calm I was desperately seeking. 

I wished there were other ways, but nothing worked just as well. This was all I had in this world.   
It actually was; not just a figure of speech. 

My private thoughts were interrupted by a well-known wet cough and sniffle.   
“It’s going to be a cold night” she whispered to me. Macy passed me the bottle of disinfectant she stole the last time she was inside a hospital a few days ago. It burned my nose already but I took a sip and my face contorted painfully. 

I rubbed my hands together; my muscle memory strong; remembering my daily routine at the hospital back home where I worked… cleaning my hands before, after or during assisting the good doctor. 

“Thank you” my voice was raspy and my head felt so incredibly light. I slipped the blade into my pocket for safekeeping and leaned back against the icy brick wall behind me. Macy took another big gulp. I knew it was killing her eventually but Macy knew it too. 

Macy stumbled back to the others. Much older than me, with a lifetime of this behind them. Being homeless… being in trouble and making it through day by day.   
I didn’t think I could ever get used to this. Honestly. The smell, the dirty feeling… my hair always hung straight down and the natural shine had gone quickly... I used to love my hair… it had been my favourite feature. 

I still made a habit of getting to a public restroom most mornings to wash my face and attempt to wash and comb my hair. I had stopped looking at myself in the mirror though. I didn’t want to know that dirty girl with hollow eyes… that girl who made such a stupid mistake and got stuck out here in the cold. 

As I felt the cold air sting; catching the teardrop forming in the corner of my eye I stifled my emotions and focused on the blade in my pocket… letting my fingers trace over it… feeling the simple comfort in knowing it was there with me. My little friend in a big scary world. 

I remember the night when the last of my cash was gone. I spent it on a pint of Guinness in a dead end pub somewhere and decided to tell the man who had insisted on sitting next to me about it.   
I can still feel his hand on my thigh to this day; when he looked into my eyes and told me he could ‘help’ me; he could pay my ticket home. I don’t doubt what he wanted in return.   
I slapped his cheek and walked out of there. My own cheeks burning with anger that he could suggest such a thing… what did he think I was?

The thing is... I didn’t have a home to return to. The day I left my native country the doors to my past were shut firmly behind me.   
It never stopped nagging me. I often heard a snarling voice inside my head telling me it was a mistake and I brought this on myself… the voice wanting to force me to look at what I had become. 

“Mira, you’ll freeze to death I swear… Come here” Macy’s kind voice called me over to the group. Macy was right… If we stayed close we could keep each other warm. The cold was enemy no. 1...  
But it was the rank smell that held me back… I probably smelled just as bad, only having a few changes of equally dirty clothes and a faux fur coat to keep me warm. 

I rose to my feet and felt faint instantly. The alcohol in the disinfectant liquid mixing with the other toxic ingredients not meant for human consumption but rather to keep hands clean was washing through me and I had a feeling my face was about to turn green. 

It didn’t help either that I was momentarily blinded by headlights.   
I blinked. I had seen that car before… always at night driving by slowly. I even caught a glimpse of the woman sitting in the back; she was staring back at me.

It was her. 

She always looked at me as if she had seen a ghost and it made me stare back.   
The car was soon gone and I went to sit with the others; eventually falling asleep. 

 

…

 

I woke up to the smell of coffee and apples. I had barely opened my eyes before an apple was thrown at me to catch. A cup of steaming hot coffee was passed my way and I smiled. The apple went into my pocket so I could wrap both of my trembling hands around the cup containing the magical black liquid.  
I always hated coffee and apples. But beggars can’t be choosers and this time I was utterly grateful.

“Thank you” my voice hadn’t yet woken up and I took a sip to help it along. 

“Curtsy of Curly Hair” Dock told me. And I smiled. I hadn’t met him yet, Curly Hair, but he was always good to people like me… for a little bit of information he paid generously. 

I saved the cup and we all went on our routes… I went to my usual place and put the empty cup on the ground next to me.  
Begging… ugh. Never a proud moment for me but a necessary evil. 

“You see a lot when no one sees you” it took me a while to register someone was talking to me. I heard a lot of people talking all day long but it was never to me. Most didn’t see me and the rest didn’t want to.

“Certainly” I looked up at a tall man in a long dark coat and a head of curly hair. Was this ‘Curly Hair’? 

“Have you seen this woman?” he handed me a photograph along with a 50 pound note. My eyes widened as the money went into my pocket to stay with the apple and my little friend. This was definitely ‘Curly Hair’. 

“Not the last couple of days… she’s the one with the zebra print coat, right?”. I let him know. He looked at me with open mouth.

“How many days?” he pushed on; turning eager. Time was of the essence obviously. “Is this your usual spot?”

“I saw her last on Friday… and yes it is…” I coughed and closed the faux fur tighter around me. With that he was gone. 

As the day was ending I remembered Dock’s kindness with ‘Curly Hair’s cash. I got a bag of rolls and a bottle of cheap vodka and made it to our little home in the alley. Macy was there already and I greeted her with a silent smile. 

I made her give me the bottle of disinfectant in return for the vodka and half of the cash that was left after my little shopping trip.   
She cringed at me as I poured some on my hands and rubbed it in. To her it was a waste but to me it was heaven… I felt clean for a second. 

 

…

 

I thought it would help. Feeling clean, but it only reminded me once again of what I had left behind…   
I left the group for a bit, went to another darkened alley… I needed my fix. Dock, Karin and Jack usually took their ‘medicine’ in front of the rest of us and no one gave a damn… but this wasn’t a needle, I didn’t feel like they would understand me. 

The blade was piercing the scarred skin on my arm and I felt how the world around me got quiet. My world became tiny; shrinking, there was only me there… I saw nothing. I heard nothing.

I didn’t even notice the car stopping. I had no idea she was there before she put her well manicured hand on my shoulder and I scattered to my feet startled. The metal falling from my grasp and I had to search for it in a panic… she picked it up and handed it to me; closing my hand safely around it. Her touch felt electric and my heart was in my throat. 

I gawked at her for a minute or more. To me it felt like an eternity.   
She was tall; dark luscious hair done up and piercing blue eyes. Her lips were blood red; mimicking the colour of the fresh blood running down my arm.  
She wore a long black dress and looked to me like she had just stepped out of a fancy scene from a classic film. 

It was the woman from the car; I realized!

“We should get you cleaned up, I bet you scrub up well don’t you?” I felt her finger softly caress my cheek; holding me at an arm’s length and I felt a strange calm… Usually I hated human touch; ever since…  
Her voice felt like silk sliding across my skin; yet there was a hint of a condescending nature. 

She seemed to be studying my features under the layer of grey that seemed to be clouding me constantly. 

“Come” She simply told me.   
She didn’t ask or offer… and come I did after I had put a dirty dressing on my cut; pulling it tight to stop the bleeding.


	2. The Masochist

I was nervous as the car doors shut. Mostly because I feared I would ruin the posh and clean interior.   
Even worse… what if some of my dirt and grime rubbed onto her? That seemed like a great sin in itself.   
A sudden panic spread through my system me as I felt trapped in the car, felt the sides narrow in on me… where was she taking me? I stalled the panic as she got in herself and the car took off carrying me away. 

 

…

 

She led me into her home where I was greeted by the maid who took my coat from me. I looked at the young woman as she removed it from my shoulders and took it away with her… my friend and my dinner was in there!  
Would I get it back? Would…  
My eyes were wide with fear suddenly; taking me completely by surprise. 

“Don’t worry, she isn’t stealing your precious belongings” the woman told me; scolding me almost. 

She led me to the bathroom and I felt like my jaw had dropped off of its hinges looking at her beautiful home. I had almost forgotten what it was like being in places like that. To be honest; what it felt like being inside a house at all. 

“Take your time, I’ll find you something clean to wear while the maid washes your clothes” she went into the bathroom with me and with a gesture she told me to undress.   
I knew she was a woman and so was I but I had never felt comfortable being naked, least of all in front of someone else. 

I felt her eyes on me the entire time and I didn’t linger before I got into the shower; away from her prying eyes. 

I sighed as the warm water hit me; washing off the grease. I knew the water running down the drain was disturbingly black but at least it was no longer sticking to me. The poor maid would have a tough job cleaning the shower when I was through. 

I emerged feeling like a new woman. No, to be honest I finally felt like a woman again.   
I smelled like hyacinths and after borrowing her hairdryer my hair was almost back to its old magnificence. 

The woman had taken my clothes away and I was forced to wrap a towel around my naked body. I felt the soft; clean cotton against my skin and I felt how each step I took was different than before… I could keep my head up. 

“Come” She repeated the ‘order’ from the alley. She had been waiting outside the bathroom and she took me to her bedroom and I followed like a lost puppy. What else could I do? 

She flung herself on the bed; one long leg over the other and leaned back. I tried my best not to stare at her but I felt a sudden flourish of emotions.   
I always knew I liked women, too, but I had never felt so charged towards a person in my life. I bit my lip and snapped my mind out of it.

“Find yourself a dress” she pointed lazily to the open walk in closet. I took my eyes away from her and looked towards the collection of clothes. My eyes fell on a dark green dress and I grabbed it carefully.   
“Excellent choice” She grinned “These belong to the maid” she pointed to the underwear lying next to her. “But you and her have the same size just about; you can have them. She won’t mind”. 

“Thank you Miss…?” I said and came back with the dress and laid it on the bed carefully. She gave me a gesture and I immediately let the towel drop to the polished wooden floor.

“To you I am Miss A”. It sounded sharp and I just nodded. I reached for the underwear and got dressed in silence. Well aware of her eyes on my body. “Does it sting?” Her eyes were narrowing in on the fresh band aid I had found.

“Of course” I shrugged nervously and slipped into the green silk. She rose from the bed; her heels clicking when she walked behind me and zipped up the dress. She caught my skin and my teeth sunk into my bottom lip. I was biting back the pain and she finished zipping me up. The dress was a tight fit but I could bear it as long as I didn’t have to breathe too hard. There was no running or breakdancing in this thing.

“What is your name?” she walked in front of me; again she seemed to be studying my face. My teeth slowly, reluctantly, let go of my lip. 

“Mira” It took me a moment to remember my alias. I hadn’t used my birth name since I crossed the water and yet I was about to tell her that instead. 

“You are a masochist, aren’t you?” she took me aback and I almost lost my footing. I gasped for air; feeling the dress constrict against my ribs.   
“You see Mira, I have a proposition for you” Her steely blue eyes looked straight through mine and all words failed me. 

“You need pain, don’t you?” her hands grabbed my arm harshly; her thumb pressing into my bandaged fresh cut. I felt every hair on my body stand. Why was she so right about me.   
“And I need…” she took a deep breath and it made me breathe with her; I didn’t move away from her grip even if the pain only got worse for every second her pale thumb kept the pressure. “I need a guinea pig”.

“Yes Miss” I heard myself answer her. It even sounded like someone else’s voice coming from me. 

Her reply was a wink… and then her phone chimed and she practically pushed me out of her bedroom. Her face changed the second she checked the caller ID. She looked as if fire could come from those blue eyes any second. 

And there I stood; left to think about what I apparently had agreed to.   
Was she a dominatrix? Oh of course she was.   
And I was her… guinea pig? What did that imply? Was she going to test her new whips on me?  
Oh well… there were worse things in the world and it sure was warm in here… right?

Just as my thoughts were about to spiral out of control a soft cough stopped me. I turned my face and found the maid who wordlessly lead me to the dining room and assigned me a seat. 

“She’ll be handling a client, could take a while”. The young woman poured me a tall glass of water. There was something harsh about her behaviour I felt; she was trying to hide it but I felt it…  
Did I still smell? Maybe that was it… I felt like needed a million showers. 

“Thanks for the food” I beamed at her; remembering my polite self. I inhaled the hot food on the plate in front of me… my fingers where shivering slightly as I cut into the steak and a sigh escaped my lips.   
The meat melted in my mouth and as soon as the maid left I wolfed down the entire meal to satisfy the hunger. I had to physically stop myself from licking the plate clean.  
What had I done to deserve this? I had been happy for yet another apple… but this was gourmet cooking. 

My mind loved the silence… it could run as free as it wanted to and nothing could be done to stop it.  
This came at a price. Life had taught me that nothing came easy and very, very few things were free. I sucked my lip into my mouth and found myself wondering what a whip hitting naked skin felt like. Was it worse than a strong hand?


	3. Shackled

“There you are” Miss A stepped into the dining room and my vivid imagination stalled… a voice at the back of my mind whispered ‘You will know soon enough…’. 

She beamed as she saw me and I wiped the last of the delicious jus from my lips. 

“You must have been starving” she sat herself down across from me; In front of her own plate. There was a hint of motherly worry painted on her face. At least that was how I interpreted it.   
“Kate, could you get another plate for Mira?” she called out impatiently. The maid returned and this time she seemed much softer as she placed the plate in front of me. 

“Miss… I can’t, I shouldn’t” I stumbled over the words. My stomach growled. For the first time in a long while I felt how hungry I actually was. 

“Yes you can” her eyes pierced through mine and the maid was gone. 

Obeying the ‘order’ I put the fork to the steak and ate the meal in silence. 

“And it is Miss A.” she corrected me as I gulped the last bite down and wiped my lips. She finished shortly after. 

“Sorry, Miss A.” I beamed.

“That’s a good girl…” she got on her feet and before I knew it she was behind me leaning down to level her mouth to my ear and told me “Time for bed”.  
I physically felt something crumble and burst inside of me. 

 

…

 

I was in a large, gorgeous bedroom; not hers though.   
The bed was large with a canopy hanging over it and I was running my finger over the sleek lacquered finish on the dresser. I was admiring how the classic stocky furniture didn’t come off as heavy in the room; it was simply elegant; and very English I noted. 

With every breath I took in the scent of fresh sheets. Oh how I had missed that smell!

It was hard to fathom that hours ago a soggy cardboard box would have been a blessing. 

She came into the room; giving my attire a good look and nodded in agreement with herself.   
“I was right… White really is your colour”. She was speaking of the silk nightie she had ordered me to change into. “Please get to bed, you must be tired” she took a step towards me and I nodded; Climbing into bed, obediently. 

My insides cramped. I felt like a lamb on the way to the slaughter. I was using all of my strength to keep a calm exterior. She couldn’t know… she couldn’t. The voice in my head was whispering to me; trying to remind me that I deserved what I had coming. 

“I am not going to hurt you tonight, Mira” she answered my unspoken worry. I looked up at her as she towered over the bed and me; making her seem immensely tall. “But I am going to hurt you, I might even go too far with you” My eyes widened. Words failed me again… I couldn’t even move. “You will not be my sub, you will be my employee. Do you understand Mira?” Her eyes were stern as they were picking me apart. I nodded.

I was screaming internally however; ‘No, NO, NO! I do not understand!’. Because I didn’t. 

“The door is always open for you to leave, and we will have to find you a safe word… but every day you manage to stay and assist me I will pay you a set amount that you will be given the day you walk away. And yes, Mira. You will.” Her arrogance was chilling and I still couldn’t move. It felt as if some strange force was moving my head for me when I nodded. Accepting her deal. Sealing my fate.

“I am your employer, not your dominatrix” she bent down and caressed my wrist and stretched my arm out carefully. I heard the click of the shackle closing around it before I felt it. I swallowed. The shackles seemed to be a set accessory to the bed; hidden in the mattress.  
“And the trial period begins now Mira… I have to know I was right about you.” She moved; those heels clicking loudly and my other wrist met the same fate. Tying me to the bed. My naked ankles were restricted as well.

She put the duvet carefully over me and stood back to admire her handiwork. I was counting my breaths; feeling a panic wanting to bubble to the surface. I couldn’t afford it… not just literally but I just had a feeling it wouldn’t help me to get out of the predicament. 

It was a fight between one half of my mind and the other: one wanting me to thrash and scream for the psycho bitch to let me go. The other calmly explaining just how bad panicking was in my situation. All it would lead to would be bruised skin, maybe even cuts and what was even worse; a hurt pride… 

“Goodnight Mira. If you want to come out of your bonds just call on me. I will hear you” she gestured with her head towards a baby alarm sitting on the nightstand. 

Wait. Was I supposed to stay like this for an entire night? Even my rational side of my mind took a gasp. 

“And I’ll see you… You should know the entire house is rigged with cameras”. With that she began to take her leave. 

“Miss A.” I called out to her just as she was about to close the door behind her. 

“Yes, dear?” she purposely sounded motherly; pretending to care. Of course she didn’t. She had me chained to a bloody bed!

“Goodnight” I disappointed myself by saying. With a sheepish grin she was gone… leaving me. 

 

…

 

It was a long night. I was constantly forced to keep my mind under control; to go against every human instinct I had left.   
I studied the canopy, the draping and tried to figure out if it was white, off white or cream coloured.   
The panic was continuously lurking just under the surface; waiting for a second of weakness to take over.

When the itch started I was about to lose it. It was right under my left foot and the more I tried to ignore it the more it demanded attention. 

When it was worst I was about to call out for her to help me, to admit defeat. 

I didn’t care how but I needed the itch to stop. The second my lips opened the familiar voice at the back of my mind was doing a smug ‘tut-tut’. How could I even think she would care? About me, don’t be daft! She won’t care… At best she’ll watch those cameras and laugh. Ha!

‘Look where you ended up… you never learn’. The voice even sounded pleased. Maybe I was a masochist; but surely that voice was a sadist!

I closed my eyes and let my breathing mimic the breathing pattern of sleep. I hoped it would trick my body to fall asleep. It worked sometimes and hopefully it would this time as well… it was the last good idea I had left in my bag of tricks.


	4. Craving

“Morning!” Was the sound I woke up to, confused and forgetting I was chained down I tried to jump for cover. My body ready for a fight… It took me minutes to find out where I was and why I couldn’t move. 

As soon as I found my senses I flashed a smile. 

“Good morning Miss A.” I laid back, relaxed or at least wanting to give off that impression. 

“How did you sleep?” she was walking around the bed and in a swift movement the duvet was gone. There I was; at her mercy and I knew it.

“Very well Miss A. The bed is incredibly soft” I refused to mention the soft leather shackles. I was adamant on giving off the impression that I could handle all of it.   
I wasn’t sure why. But something in me wanted to win this game. Whatever it was. 

“I’m surprised you laid still” her hand was tickling my foot just where the itch had been “I think you’ve been restrained before, sweetie” her tickling was relentless and this time I tried to retrieve my foot. She chuckled; I wasn’t going anywhere soon.

“Only as a little girl Miss A … playing cowboys and Indians”. I admitted. I wanted to squeal and my left foot was still struggling against the leather and her fingers. She had me where she wanted me. 

“Cowboys and Indians… oh of course… of course” she wasn’t convinced. I swallowed. 

“Miss A, I need the toilet please”. It was my clever way of begging her to let me go. It was worth a shot. 

“The mattress is waterproof”. 

I think she saw the horror and dread that this filled me with. I did need the loo; but not this way.   
Fuck. No!

I relaxed visibly when her hands were opening the shackles to release me. 

I walked slowly to the bathroom; my body and most of my mind wanting me to run; run all of the way out of there and not look back.

 

…

 

I breathed calmly in the bathroom. I took a look at the girl in the mirror.  
I bit into my bottom lip and my hand was brushing over my arm; tracing over the bumps of raised scars and cuts in various stages of healing processes.   
‘You want her to hurt you’. My face contorted and I had to look away from the mirror.   
“Shut up” I whispered back to the voice and I left the bathroom.

I returned to the bedroom which I found to be empty.  
On the bed was left a clean set of underwear and a white dress and a note informing me that:

“Breakfast is served daily at 9am  
~A”

I slipped into the dress; which fit a bit tighter than the dress from yesterday. I was forced to take slow breaths.  
This was another of her dresses. Hadn’t the maid washed mine yet? 

It was 8.30 and the silence was deafening.   
I felt an itch; nothing like the itch under my foot… this was a need rather. An itch that couldn’t be scratched away. It took something a bit sharper. Perhaps 7 percent sharper…  
Where was my coat? Where was my ‘friend’?   
I couldn’t explain this need; but it was a desperate need and it made me restless. I was losing my mind.   
Slowly but surely losing myself.

I went wandering through her home on a search for my belongings. I found the kitchen and saw the maid curtly preparing breakfast. 

“Kate, was it?” I hoped I didn’t come off as crazy as I felt. 

“Yes” She was cutting up the bread and my eyes zoned in on the sharp knife in her hand. 

“Do you know what happened with my coat? I need to retrieve something from the pockets”. I just couldn’t take my eyes off of the slicing movements of the knife. 

“Irene has them… Miss Adler I mean” she seemed ashamed of her slip up. Her lip trembled and I could take my eyes away from the slicing. That look in her eyes… oh of course! That was why she was so sharp with me yesterday. 

“Thank you Kate” I beamed “Can I help you with anything?”.   
I had to give up on my craving for now. It was no good. Miss A. had what I needed. My best bet was to distract myself for as long as I could.

Maybe performing my duties would be a blessing in disguise…

“No thank you, I’m almost done” she was obviously faking her kindness. I knew this wasn’t easy for her either. 

I went into the dining room and found her; Miss A. reading the paper with an interest. She almost missed the fact that I had come in. I sat down where I was placed the night before. She folded the paper and I briefly noted the headline. I had seen that so called ‘hat detective’ somewhere but I wasn’t given time to ponder too long. 

“What is that?” She asked me. I had no clue what she was referring to.

“Sorry Miss A.?” 

“I think I need to change my plans today” her eyes were peeled on my arm. I now noticed how I couldn’t stop scratching that ‘itch’.   
“I will take care of that after breakfast”. 

Take care of… wait. No.   
How?   
I solemnly nodded and at the strike of 9 Kate brought us breakfast.   
I had lost my appetite but all Miss A. had to do was give me a look and I took another bite. 

When the plate was clean she calmly informed me to go to my room; undress and fold the clothes neatly. Then I was to place them on the dresser and lay outstretched on the bed, on my back. 

She would come for me. 

My bottom lip was trembling and I had to bite it to stop it. Somehow it was a small comfort that I got to undress alone. It was the little things. That was what I convinced myself of.

Lying on the bed awaiting my undoing time passed painfully slow. 

I could hear the clicking of her heels from the hallway and I took a deep breath. 

Fuck. 

In her hand she held a long stick with a leather piece at the end. It seemed to be a favourite instrument of hers; an extension of her arm. 

“This is a riding crop” She fondly showed it to me. She flexed it in her delicate hands and I held my breath.   
“I think this speaks well to your craving” She chuckled. It didn’t take her long to shackle me and I felt an urge to cry out in pain already.


	5. Mummy!!

My mind made the fatal mistake of imagining the intense pain of that thing hitting my bare body.

“We need to find you a safe-word sweetie…” she sat on the side of the bed and looked me in the eyes; her well-manicured fingers fondling the crop lovingly. “Why don’t we start with ‘Mummy’?” she was pleased with her choice. I was horrified. 

My eyes closed and I felt how the tears were about to burst from me. Of all the words in the wold she had to pick that. She must have known how hard it was for me to speak that word.

“If it get’s too much all you have to is to call on ‘mummy’” She got back on her feet and the first hit took me aback.

It was on my arm, right where I had that itch. I yelped and tried to move away. 

“Shhh” she shushed me. The riding crop rested in her hands. She was mocking me; searching for the next spot of my body to feel it. My arm stung, the pain spreading out from the point of impact. Running like a wildfire through my nerves. Alerting my senses.

“Ieeek”. 

I am not even sure how to explain the sound that came from my mouth as she swatted it on the underside of my left foot. My foot tried to escape, but the shackle wasn’t budging. My entire foot was whirring as if I had been shocked with electricity.

“How does that feel?” Her melodic voice cut through the haze that was laying over me. I couldn’t even formulate an answer. 

Dissatisfied with my silence I heard the slap of the crop on my thigh, The burn was incredible. My back arched and I tried to absorb the pain. She licked her lips observing my peril.

“That’s right sweetie, I’ll have you flying in no time”

She hit my side, I couldn’t hold the groan back. My hands cramped into fists. My eyes looking for hers. Desperately wanting her to look into mine; see what was going on with me. What she was doing to me. This couldn’t be right.

The crop was striking my hip and my hips rocked; trying to absorb the pain like the other times. This time I felt a tingle that shocked me.   
I think Miss A. saw it too. With a smirk she swatted the crop carefully over my exposed sex; the centre of that damp tingling.

“What’s that, sweetie?” she held the riding crop firmly against my sex and my hips rose up from the sheet beyond my own control. Pressing back against the crop; eagerly almost. 

My mouth was open as I gawked at her. What the hell was going on?

“Not this time, sweetie” Her face grew stern so suddenly and this time I couldn’t hold my wailing back.

She was hitting my body with such force, each harsh swat burned worse than the one before.

I was sure she had hit every inch of skin on my body and my hands were fighting the shackles. Tears ran down my cheeks as she punished my body.

Punished me for reacting, for something so beyond my control.

“Mummy!!” I finally caved in; my body was on fire and my eyes were closed tightly; I felt like I was flying but at the same time I was crashing. Tailspin included. 

The second I cried out the rain of hits stopped. I gasped for air and felt her undo my restraints. 

“I didn’t think you had it in you” She let me know before her heels clicked away; closing the door.   
Was that a hint of pride in her voice? Disbelief? 

I was free and most of all I wanted to curl up in a ball in the corner and sob but I was too scared to move a muscle for fear of feeling more pain. So I lay still… sobbing silently. 

 

…

 

I don’t know if I passed out or just fell asleep. But somehow I had been out. 

I opened my eyes as I felt a cold cloth against my side. My eyes fluttered open and found Kate nursing me mechanically. 

“You’re lucky she didn’t break your skin” she told me dryly. I winched as she moved the cloth and added yet another. 

I nodded in reply. 

When she left me my entire body was covered in cold cloths. Trying to reduce the swelling and ease the worst of the discomfort.

“I’ll get you some pain relief, try to sleep through it”. She told me as she was about to leave me.

“No thanks, no pills please” my voice was croaky. She just nodded and left me on my own.

 

…

 

The next time I woke up I tried to sit up and the wet cloths were peeling off of me by the force of gravity.   
I painstakingly managed to get my legs over the side of the bed and grabbed the bedpost in an attempt to get on my feet. 

“Idiot” I whispered to myself. I did this to myself. 

On the dresser was the white silky nightie, neatly folded. I put it on and went on a long journey to the bathroom.

There I noticed a pot of cream standing by the side of the sink. A note sat on it; in her neat handwriting.   
“Mira”. It simply said. 

I slipped out of the nightie and carefully applied the cold cream to my skin. I wanted to cry out but eventually the coolness soothed me somewhat. 

I hoppled back to the room; my base. My assigned place.   
There I found a sandwich on the dresser this time; another note lying next to it.  
“Bon appetite  
A”

Grumpily I grabbed the plate. I wasn’t hungry but I wasn’t in the mood or in any form of state to argue with her. I sat on the edge of the bed and rested the plate on the bed next to me and ate in silence. Oh how I loathed that silence. Tears welled up in my eyes. 

‘Mummy’. I heard inside my mind. I felt a sharp jolt of pain on my backside, remembering how I cried for mercy when she, Mummy, slapped my behind when I was little. Her mildest choice of punishment.

I stuffed the last of the sandwich down my throat and put the plate on the floor; curling myself up in a ball on the bed not caring how much it hurt. 

Maybe I deserved the pain…


	6. Little Helpless Mira

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I suppose I should give Master C and the 'real' Miss A. some credit...
> 
>  
> 
> As well as a certain teenage boy.
> 
>  
> 
> (This was not too easy to write but it had to be done. I hope this doesn't make this a shtty chapter)

In the morning I found the dress of the day; a long black dress with long sleeves laid out for me to wear. 

This was a loose fit; and that was a comfort at least. I wasn’t sure I could have handled to have my sensitive, battered skin squeezed and compressed into a tight dress as well. 

 

…

 

I made it to the breakfast table to find her sipping coffee pensively. Her long fingers were holding the cup in a tight and yet delicate grip. Her bright red nails demanding attention against the white china. 

I sat down across from her; feeling my system give a jolt of shock. Her eyes were scanning me and I was chewing on my lip. Breathing sharply. 

This woman had basically attacked me and beaten me black and blue the night before; and here I was sitting down at her breakfast table… like a good girl. 

Kate interrupted the moment when she served breakfast. I gave her a careful smile and she rushed out of there; she could feel the tension as well I’m sure.   
If only she knew how happy I was to see her just then...

“Next time you won’t be so happy to sit” Miss A. simply remarked and cut into her melon slice. “When you played ‘Cowboys and Indians’ did that make you wet too?” She was cold as ice and I felt like a deer stuck in headlights. Freezing up. 

That was really not the change of subject I had hoped for.

“I was 7, Miss A.” I barely had air in my lungs to talk. And today my ribs weren’t even crushed by restrictive garments. But she had knocked the air clean out of me.

“Tell me about it” she cut her toast. I hadn’t even touched my food. My eyes were peeled on the plate however. 

“I’m sorry , I don’t know what happened with me yesterday” I apologized for the appalling thing that happened between my legs.   
I just couldn’t help it. It wasn’t as if it was a switch I could turn on and off… 

“Mira, tell me about when you were 7”. She ignored my apology completely; leaning in over the table towards me just slightly, but enough for me to know. I was tempted to lean back; keeping the distance.

“Miss A, please” my bottom lip quivered. 

“Tell me” she sipped her coffee. Unaffected. 

“He was a teenage boy… ” my throat was dry. I reached for a glass of juice. Her eyes bored into me, wordlessly threatening me to continue talking or else. 

“He found me playing on my own… I was always on my own as a kid and he…” I took another sip of the apple juice. “He took me to the woods saying we were going to play cowboys and Indians… he tied my hands to my feet with skipping ropes there” I was blinking; my mouth growing dry and no amount of juice could help it. 

The images in my head were vivid and I was desperately trying to supress them.

“He hogtied you” I felt as if she was lecturing me. My teeth dug into my poor bottom lip.   
What did it matter what it was called? It shouldn’t have happened in the first place!

“He touched me, and left me”. I was trying hard not to give into the chaos that was bubbling inside me. I couldn’t give in. I had spent too long trying to forget about my past. Locking it away in a drawer way back in my brain.

My hand was on my thigh under the table; my fingers digging into some of the worst bruises. I felt the jolts of pain rush through my system and felt lightheaded even. At least it dimmed the stupid emotions that was about to take over.

“And who found little helpless Mira?” her pretended, and obviously faked motherly worry pissed me off. Anger was being fuelled inside me. It took physical strength to not give into it. My hand dug harder into my thigh and I gasped at the sensation.

“Two of my school teachers” I briefly answered. Hoping my voice was as calm as I meant it to be.

“I’m sure there was a manhunt for that young man” She watched me carefully, curiously.

“The teachers would rather assume I got myself into the ropes”. I angrily cut the toast and scuffed it in, washing it down with coffee. My thigh throbbing now that I had let go of it.

“And mummy?”.

The toast was on its way back up. I could feel the cold as my face was going pale.

“She spanked my ass for it” my eyes were narrow as I glared back at her. 

I made a mistake when I followed this woman. A big mistake!

I couldn’t figure out what had possessed me to go with her? My entire body was bruised and now I was struggling with tears; forced to relive painful memories. Memories I had tugged away for a reason… 

My pride was the worst casualty however. It was left in tatters; still tied to that bed crying desperately for mercy.

But it wasn’t as if I had something to return to. I should be grateful for a warm bed to sleep in; three daily meals served and a roof over my head. I was lucky. Right? I should be grateful!

“I see I upset you” she interrupted my internal monologue about what a stupid, stupid girl I had been.

My reply was a nod. I realized silence was my best defence. I would end up saying something I’d sorely regret later. I wasn’t stupid…

“I’m sorry for what you experienced, but I’ll need to know what ticks you off”. She was awfully all business about my personal emotions. 

I was a game for her; and she enjoyed playing it… And I seemed to allow her.

“Do you want us to change your safe-word?” her face softened. Was that kindness?   
Was she even capable of that?   
Perhaps it was just more convenient for her...

“Please Miss A.” my voice was small. I was still dealing with the tears that wanted to roll down my cheeks; but I knew I might not be able to stop them if they started.  
And something told me she’d have a special way of making sure I stopped sniffling. 

“I’ll give you 45 seconds to come up with a safe word you’re more comfortable with. If you fail I chose for you and this time it won’t be up for discussion”. 

My mouth opened. Discussion? I hadn’t said a word! 

“Starting now” She looked to her wrist watch and my mind went completely blank.

My head was empty, all that was left was the panic. 

I was Searching high and low for a word. Just a word… any word… anything!

“Ten, nine…” She was counting down and only when she was at “Three” my eyes lay on the pink rhododendron crowns that adorned the table. My heart was in my throat pounding away.


	7. Pink

“Pink!” I almost shouted it, breathlessly, desperate. A preview of how I would be using it later. 

Ugh. 

“Pink…” she tasted the word. She practically swirled her tongue around it. 

I was chewing my lip curiously. Accepting that there would be more of this to come… this was a victory I needed to have. Probably the only victory I had a chance to taste.

It felt as if my life depended on it.

“Not bad” She gave me a nod of approval. 

Oh thank god. I could finally breathe easy. 

“We’ll test it later” It was so matter-of-factly. This was her normal… How could you ever get used to that?

“Yes Miss A.” … apparently I was slowly getting used to it already.

“I’m surprised you’re still here, you’re strong” She put her coffee cup down, my eyes were fixed on her fingernails. 

I felt a flutter of pride in the pit of my stomach. Strong? Me?  
I wasn’t used to accepting compliments but somehow that one made me happy. 

“I wouldn’t admit this to my sub or a client, but I lost my temper last night” her intense staring forced me to look back into her blue eyes. She held my gaze. 

“It’s okay Miss A.” I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat. It only grew. 

“I haven’t met anyone who was able to take as much as you before”. Her face was soft. She seemed to be admiring me. 

And I felt proud. This was nothing to be proud of though.  
Deep down I knew I wasn’t strong. Life had made me numb. And I allowed her to take advantage of that.

“Just don’t be too strong, Mira, remember to use the safe word. It’s important”. It was a careful, concerned woman who sat in front of me suddenly and this I had no idea how to cope with.

“Yes Miss A.” my voice was trembling. Please. Please go back to being stern and cruel.

I had never felt comfortable when people tried to be kind to me. Violence was a language I understood a lot better.  
Kindness was only something that was faked; I learned… when people had to cover up more sinister truths.   
I’d rather be kicked in the gut than have someone be nice.

“I know you’re accustomed to violence but no one is forcing you this time Mira. You are here at your own free will. ‘Pink’ is your safety. Say that word and I will stop whatever I’m doing to you”. She was explaining it calmly. It wasn’t news to me. 

I had never officially been someone’s sub before but I understood the concept.

“Where I come from ‘no’ doesn’t mean a thing” I heaved a painful sigh. I wasn’t sure why I said this, and I instantly wanted to take it back. If only you could catch words and stuff them back down… if only…

“Sweetie, here ‘no’ doesn’t mean a thing either” she dried her lips with the napkin, not smudging her lipstick. 

I froze; the hot tears welled up in my eyes. Okay, not that cruel… please.  
Not this.

“But ‘Pink’, that is your ‘no’.” She quickly broke in as my eyes were already wet and my bottom lip quivered. I held back the tears.

“How many men have forced you in your life?” She looked into my eyes; as if she was trying to dig the answer out through them. 

I was frozen, shivering and the knuckles on my hand turned white as I formed a tight fist. I swallowed hard trying to keep the breakfast down. 

“Pink” I squeaked. Her face softened again.

“Good girl” she beamed. Was that why she was poking around in my memories? Just to be sure I would use the bloody safe word? 

This wasn’t what I signed up for…

“I’ll have clients coming here today; I’d like you to watch”. 

“Watch?” I blinked, baffled.

“Kate is busy today” She let me know “Just a safety precaution, you’ll be watching the security cameras and if something goes wrong and I give you a sign you will call this number” She handed me a business card with the initials J. M.

Then she held up two fingers doing the V sign.

“Only if I give this signal” she warned me and I nodded.

“I had hoped to be able to test a new purchase with you this morning… but you’ll have to heal” She heaved a sigh. My bruised state was an inconvenience to her.   
And I was actually sorry I couldn’t assist her.

“I have my first client coming at lunchtime I have to go and get ready. Meet me here” She got on her feet and left. The room fell deathly quiet. 

I sat where she left me. My bones ached and it had nothing to do with the beating I had taken.  
I felt a well-known throbbing stiffness in my shoulder blade and as I looked out of the window my eyes got hazy. 

I barely registered Kate clearing away the plates. My mind was quiet for once. And it scared me to death.


	8. The Hog

I walked mechanically towards the window and watched the world out there. My shoulder cramped and I stretched in a vain attempt to soothe it.

I knew there was nothing I could do to help it… I just had to accept the pain. It was knots under the shoulder blades forming because of my mild scoliosis that pulled on my tendons and muscles in a wrong direction… I had been informed there was nothing that could be done. No skilled physiotherapist or massage therapist would be able to remove them.

I simply had to accept the circumstance. 

I was watching life pass me by on the street outside. A less fortunate woman was rubbing her hands together as she staggered towards some ungodly destination. I could feel the cold burn in my fingers myself… just a few days that woman was me. Maybe she was me?

Maybe I was having hallucinations… maybe this was some twisted dream caused by hunger or the putrid stuff in the disinfectant Macy gracefully had given me a sip of.

I caught a glimpse of the woman’s pale and hollow face. No, she was a stranger… I was still here… 

I let my hands run down the soft material of the lush dress; sensation returning to my fingers as if they were actually warming up. 

I stood still; observing the street trying to ignore the persistent throbbing cramps; allowing myself to disappear. I was merely a spectator. I detached my mind from my body…   
Something I had years of practice in.

The hours passed before I knew it and the sound of the door dragged me triumphantly back to life.  
I rubbed my shoulder and turned to face her bravely.

In front of me stood a tall, strong woman. Her hands were placed high on her hips; her long legs accentuated and dangerously visible through the almost see-through black robe. 

She looked like an amazon warrior. My mouth watered inexplicitly. I couldn’t blame her clients…

“Come” it was an unimpressed tone she met me with. 

 

…

 

She took me to a room in the attic. There were several screens; all showing several angles of each room in the house. In the middle was placed a red leather couch and a round table filled with drinks and snacks.

“Help yourself; though I’d advise you not to touch the alcohol. It’s important for us to keep a clear head. Alcohol and the things we do don’t mix” she ran her thumb over one of the worst bruises on my arm. I understood the hint and I nodded. 

And away she was. Locking the door behind her.

I sat carefully on the couch; my eyes scanning the screens dutifully. I had a job to do.  
I cringed seeing the bathroom and ‘my room’. Privacy was apparently not an accepted concept in this house. 

Finally I found what I was actually looking for. 

In a room full of strange ‘furniture’… if you could call lacquered wooden crosses, beds, posts and metal tables furniture… there stood a business man in a neat suit. He was wringing his hands; looking around the room nervously. 

He practically fell to his knees and I realized this was his reaction to Miss A. entering the room.   
She was walking with so much confidence it sent shivers down my spine. Her riding crop attached to her arm and I bit into my tongue. 

She was running it over his face lovingly; seemingly asking him a question and he replied. She stopped her circling and he rose to his feet and removed his clothes and walked over to the cross and calmly let her shackle him to the thing. 

There was no sound but I could hear the riding crop sing as it cut through the air and hit him. I felt it on my own skin and let out a gasp. I leaned forward and watched her playfully ponder over an array of things I couldn’t quite see what was and had no idea what most of it was…

She picked her item of choice and strapped it around his groin; I realised she was strapping him into a male chastity belt before she swatted him a several more times with the crop.   
I saw how his body was writhing and realized that was not a man who wanted to get away… he was enjoying it. He was high on the sensation. 

And I felt a pang of jealousy… I wanted to experience that too. I wanted to learn. I wanted to feel as strong as she had said I was.

I was mindlessly picking at the bandage around my arm protecting my last cut; my eyes clued to the screen as she finished the session.   
As she released him it was a calm man who stood there and when she took her leave I watched curiously as he got dressed; finding himself and stood there with a straight back and broad shoulders… at ease. 

My eyes found the room Miss A. had retreated to; one of the bathrooms in the house and I felt like prying. But she knew I was watching…   
She was washing her hands and getting ready for her next client. She came back to the room and dried off the cross; tidying up the place. 

She went to her bedroom and changed her shoes; strapping herself into a pair of black lacquered knee-high boots with a killer stiletto heel. 

In the strange room her next client stepped in. Another suit. He was already undressing as soon as he entered and waited patiently for her. 

Not long after Miss A. entered the room and I saw her look directly into the camera giving me a wink before turning to face the man. 

He hung his head as he replied to her question. I could only wonder what she asked them. 

“Have you been a bad boy” seemed a possible choice… apparently this one had been very bad. 

She stomped her foot and he laid down on the floor on his stomach. Slowly she approached the table full of the implements and got herself a bundle of rope. Once again she gave a smirk to the camera. To me. 

She knelt before the man and roughly tied his hands together on his back; then she pulled on the ropes and bound his feet as well; yanking the rope dragging feet and hands closer together.

I swallowed uncomfortably. She was hogtying him.

I was caressing my wrist with my thumb, I could feel the ropes and I felt how all the air had left my system again. 

She turned him around and put her foot on his chest; pushing him into the hard floor underneath him. 

I didn’t want to watch this. Why was she doing this… not for my sake. Was it? The mere thought made me sick to my stomach. 

After shouting abuse at the man she moved her foot and I saw him buck painfully; she was stepping on his private parts and I was sure she was putting all her weight on that one foot.   
He couldn’t fight it. Just like I couldn’t when I was little helpless Mira… 

However this man had a safe-word. And he wasn’t using it. He needed this… that was the difference.

Eventually she kicked him in the side and undid his ropes; dashing off to the bathroom to take herself a quick shower and away to her bedroom changing into a white dress. 

The man in the room was panting for breath and dressed slowly; that had been brutal!   
I couldn’t help but wonder if they paid her extra for being that harsh…

I watched Miss A.’s path to the door of the room I was in and heard the lock click.


	9. Wax

I was squirming in my seat when she entered and still wringing my wrist; all these years later my body could still remember those skipping ropes digging into my skin vividly. Only digging deeper the more I struggled. 

“I wasn’t aware you fought the shackles that hard” She remarked and my hand stopped instantly. I felt like I had been caught red handed.   
“You should be more careful… those are my kindest restraints” she chuckled. I swallowed. 

“It’s not from last night, Miss A.” I replied dryly. She gave me a warm smile. 

“So did you like the little show?” She gestured with her head towards the screens. I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth trying to come up with a suitable answer. 

“It was interesting, Miss A.” Interesting? Understatement of the year. 

She looked at me; right through me. She could always get a deeper meaning out of every word I said. Every little action told her exactly what she wanted to know. 

“If you would like a proper bath I had Kate prepare the bathroom for you before she left” She changed the subject; I felt it was on purpose.

“Thank you Miss A.” I got on my naked feet. I wasn’t just thankful to be offered a chance to get clean… the subject change was very welcome… it always was with her.

“You didn’t touch any of the snacks I see… ‘Interesting’ doesn’t quite cover what you experienced does it?”.

My cheeks burned. I felt like a little girl who had been caught looting the cookie jar. 

I nodded in reply. I wasn’t sure how to respond. Thankfully it was enough for her, for now.

 

…

 

She led me to another bathroom. This one equipped with a bathtub and after turning the faucet on for me while I undressed and folded my clothes neatly; she left me alone.   
Somehow I expected to hear the lock of the door like she had done when she put me in the room with the screens. But she didn’t.

I let the water run and my eyes were scanning the bathroom, taking it all in. All white and chrome. A sterile feeling and scent… I liked that.  
By the sink was placed a pink packet and a note on it in her neat handwriting ‘Mira’. I grabbed the box. Wax strips... 

I bit into my lip. 

I was a bit overgrown… back home I would always shave my legs and armpits but I had always stayed natural between my legs. 

However something told me Miss A. wouldn’t be satisfied with that… 

I turned the water off and decided to start with my legs. I was used to an epilator but I ended up getting the hang of the strips. I groaned as the hairs were ripped from my bruised skin… then my armpits… even more sensitive skin there…

I honestly didn’t want to touch my most private with the strips. I know it didn’t make sense… but this was a pain I really feared… always had feared. 

I could feel her eyes on me and I put my left foot up on the edge of the bathtub and carefully placed the strip. I took a few breaths and I had to rip it. I groaned.  
Okay… I had experienced worse. I was breathing much easier when I placed the next strip.

When I was finally hairless I climbed into the tub; allowing the warm water to bury my body.  
I felt every muscle in my body relax. 

I could get used to this… I really could.

In the water nothing hurt. I was weightless… it was amazing honestly. 

I couldn’t stay there forever though; no matter how much I wanted to. I got up and dried myself.   
After getting dressed I realized I had no idea where to go. I hadn’t been given instructions… so I switched the auto pilot on and went back to ‘my room’. 

 

…

 

I sat on the bed but after a while I became restless. I started walking aimlessly around the room much liked a caged lion; nothing actually held me there but I felt as if the walls were closing in on me… right until a sound startled me; bringing me back to reality.   
It was her voice but she was not in the room with me. I quickly realized it came through the baby alarm on the nightstand. 

“Find the button on the side of the painting” She was speaking in riddles. What?

Following her instructions for lack of better I walked up to the painting and searching the sides of the frame I found a small switch and flicked it. The painting slid mechanically upwards revealing a TV screen. 

I turned it on with a smile. I have to admit I had been a bit of a shameless TV addict in my previous life. 

I found the science channel and climbed back onto the bed; absorbing my favourite subject: Astronomy!   
The thought that there was something so infinitely enormous surrounding me made me feel so small… and I liked feeling small and insignificant. It made it easier to disappear. 

I didn’t move a muscle until dinner was served. 

 

…

 

Kate was back and came into the dining room with delicious baked salmon with vegetables and a white wine sauce. She barely looked at me. 

I ate in silence. Our last shared meal hadn’t been a pleasant experience talk wise between Miss A and I. And honestly I was enjoying the food. Kate was a pro in the kitchen!

“How experienced are you with toys?”   
Apparently normal conversations were impossible. I almost dropped my fork. 

“Toys aren’t really my thing I guess… Miss A.” I answered; clearly uncomfortable. Fiddling nervously.

“Have you ever owned a dildo, or a vibrator?” She continued eating calmly. This really was her version of normal.

“I… uh… I had a dildo that vibrated… I didn’t use it too much though… I guess. Miss A. sorry” I knew my face was bright red. This was embarrassing in so many ways. 

“Did you use it to penetrate yourself with?” She pushed on. She insisted on ignoring my visible discomfort.   
I suppose she was enjoying it even.

“A few times… but I’d rather use it to vibrate against my… clit… Miss A.” Not even I could explain why I had become such a prude all of a sudden. 

“Was it too big for you?” Those blue eyes looked straight through me. 

“I guess it was an average size… Miss A.” I wanted to hide away under the table. No actually, under the rug under the table… if not under the floorboards!   
But honestly what was I so ashamed of? The fact that I had owned a toy, or the fact that I had barely used it? This wasn’t me. 

“I will need you to judge some toys for me eventually” She informed me and I nodded curtly. 

“You don’t happen have an issue with tightness down there do you? If you do we will have to work on stretching you”.

My mouth was open. What the actual fuck. That sounded painful on a whole other level. 

“I’m sure I’m not Miss. A.” I squeaked bravely. She could always rattle my world so, so calmly.

“We’ll see… ” she finished her fish and I finished mine. 

“Bed time”.


	10. Plaything

I was waiting for her; lying on the bed naked with my legs and arms outstretched; ready for her to shackle me. I was slowly learning that this was the ‘default setting’.

I agreed with myself I’d be a good girl tonight. I would do whatever she wanted from me… I wasn’t going to be afraid… just go with the flow… Let it happen.

When she finally came in she casually dropped a purple velvet pouch on the bed between my legs and towered over the edge of it; watching me…   
I imagined what I looked like to her sprawled… spread out like that. 

I wanted to know what was in the pouch… but I was sure I would know in due time. Patience… patience…

“Touch yourself” she instructed me dryly. 

My eyes widened… this was the stark opposite of what I expected. She shot me a look when I wasn’t moving and my fingers obediently found my clit.   
I rubbed in slow circles looking at her; knowing my eyes were full of questions.

“Make yourself wet, then slowly insert a finger when you feel ready” She was calmly directing me. My body felt so warm and I felt my breathing get faster with every breath… it didn’t take long before I was wet.

I slipped my index finger into myself; letting it stay as she hadn’t given me further instructions… I allowed her to take full control of my body. 

“That’s enough” my hand moved away from my now wet and wanton sex… so many things had been stirred and I felt the slight vibration of natural forces. My hand went back to the position and now she shackled me. 

I was helpless… and in a way I actually felt calm. I was well aware of how different this was to the first night. 

She finally revealed what the pouch was hiding. A black cock shaped dildo with a mushroom head. A bit bigger than the ‘average’ size I had owned.

“Let’s see about the tightness” She seemed amused. 

She approached me and for a second my body was betraying the agreement I had made with myself. My legs stiffened…   
“Open wide sweetie, it’s going in either way… I suggest you make yourself comfortable” she ran the tip of it up and down my slit; allowing it to soak up some of my juices. My hips moved with her; reacting.

She moved it down and I felt her put pressure as it was lining up with my entrance… having heard her advice I took a deep breath and relaxed. Her other hand rested on my pubic bone.

The rubber cock was relentless. And she wasn’t kind. In one long movement it was inside of me; my walls gripping it tightly and my hips bucking. I gasped for air… 

“Shhh” she shushed me. I sucked my lip into my mouth. “This should make it easier to bear” She actually seemed to have pity on me…   
My walls were burning slightly; trying helplessly to adjust to the rigid thing that had penetrated me. She turned the vibrator on… she was right...   
The vibrations helped to lubricate and my stretched walls slowly forgave. 

“Just as I hoped… I’ll have fun stretching you” It was a smirk. A pleased woman who stood before me; watching me squirm. 

My body was feeling strong waves taking over from within.   
I was her plaything… but at the moment my head was empty… I closed my eyes and knew I couldn’t fight the orgasm that washed through me. I moaned loudly into my lip.

“Good night, Mira” she winked at me as soon as I was calming down again. My breath becoming almost normal… the dildo was still inside me; vibrating away happily. 

She was leaving me… Could my body even handle an entire night like that? Was that humanly possible?

“Thank you Miss. A” I squeaked as the heavy vibrations were taking me high again.

She laughed and closed the door. 

 

…

 

In the darkness I could truly appreciate the full extend of the vibrations. It spread through my walls, to my hip, to my stomach and my legs even… my skin fluttering and burning hot. 

I was writhing, but not to get away… the second orgasm started and my body couldn’t hold still. It wanted to prolong the pleasure for as long as possible.

My hips were rocking, dancing even; my legs trying to squeeze tighter around the thing inside me; my back arching and my hands testing the shackles. I wanted to rub that amazing tickle… oh god!!

I lost count of how many times I came, and eventually I felt limp and I must have fallen asleep… 

 

…

 

I woke up and the feeling between my legs was intense… it was a tickle beyond description; no movement I could make could ease it.   
I was whimpering; writhing, grinding, clenching and unclenching. I was desperately losing my mind! I tried to rock and grind, but it couldn’t help it…

Finally my body started to respond, the warm waves of pleasure washing rhythmically through me.

Just as I was finally slowing down again the door opened and in she came… she was in a long robe; probably her night time attire. 

She didn’t speak a word to me; she just walked over to the bed and pulled the toy from my sobbing wet and slippery pussy. I gasped for air; feeling my body try to follow it… reluctantly having to lose the sensation.  
The way she was taking it from me; it seemed no different than removing a thermometer.

She left with it, holding it carefully with her nails, as it was soaked in my personal juices.

My dirty, filthy bodily fluids. Yuck.

It was a sinking feeling that hit me suddenly.  
It felt like being hit with a bucket of ice water… reality.

I could smell the sweet thick scent of the juices in the room and the slightly sticky sensation between my legs. I felt so awfully dirty and gross.

My stomach was turning slowly; I started to sob… I wanted a shower. I wanted to get away from all this… and I couldn’t.

I was stuck.

‘Pink!’ 

It never made it past my lips. Something was holding it back. It was all I had to do… that simple word and I could be under hot water with soaps and perfumes… 

‘You made your bed, now you must lie in it!’. 

Ugh. Why did that stupid voice always win?


	11. Faux

Exhaustion got the better of me and when I finally woke up I had a few surprises waiting for me.

Firstly it was 11am! I gasped. - But I had been instructed that breakfast was served sharply at 9!  
I was so confused by the time that I barely noticed that I was no longer tied up; I sat up bewildered. 

This would be punished… but as my hand aimlessly began to scratch my arm I realized I actually needed her to.

Class A masochist…

 

…

 

Today’s dress was dark blue and another tight fit. I winched as I walked to the bathroom; the fabric put pressure on every little bruise on my body but even though I reacted to the pain I was actually welcoming it. It had a strange calming effect. 

I washed thoroughly in the shower, almost scrubbing off several layers of my own skin, ignoring the throbbing of my marks. 

When I finally felt clean enough I walked to the dining room. It was empty and so was the kitchen so I grabbed the newspaper from the table and read through it.   
That new sensation; the hatted detective… Sherlock Holmes, he sounded like an interesting character I mused. 

I flipped the page and found an article concerning my so called ‘home’ country and read it with a careful interest. Deep down I felt guilty doing it though; in a silly way I was scared of getting caught. 

I put the newspaper back where I found it, folded neatly and went to the window to look out at the world again. 

I smiled as I saw a group of business men walking down the street.   
My brain did what it always did… try to figure out what people had been up to; it always served to pass the time neatly.

The oldest one in the middle was obviously the boss; more than his age it was clear to me by the way the other men interacted with him and the constant, even if slight, distance they held from him.   
They were off to lunch, taking a welcome break in a meeting that had not been going too well; this I could see in the creases on the back of the jacket the boss was wearing. The creases forming as he had been squirming in the chair. 

Of course I could be wrong… but for lack of entertainment it was just a bit of innocent fun. 

The fun was soon spoiled as Miss A. came into the room. I spun around on my naked heel to meet her gaze; my teeth sinking into my bottom lip. 

She was in a long black dress, with a long slit all the way up her leg. In her hand she held onto the riding crop.   
She was breathing heavily but was keeping her cool exterior under control.

“Sorry I overslept, Miss A.” my bottom lip was quivering under my teeth that dug deeper in a feeble attempt to keep myself together.  
I couldn’t take my eyes off that crop… 

“I allowed you to sleep in, you had a long and exhausting night” she winked at me. Half of me relaxed, the other half was heartbroken. She was supposed to be mad at me and punish me!

She sat down, and I sat too. Facing her bravely.  
The riding crop was carefully laid in the middle of the table; between Miss A. and myself.

Kate rushed in with two plates of sandwiches with a selection of fruit on the side.   
I was picking at the grapes on mine, trying to forget about the implement staring me in the face. 

“I’ve got another client coming soon” she warned me between bites of her sandwich that she was cutting into with a knife and fork. Was this how posh people ate a sandwich? 

“But tell me Mira” she sipped her water and observed me playing with my food “Eat!” she commanded and I bit into my own sandwich “Is that dress okay for you to wear today? Not too sore?”. I was swallowing down my sandwich with difficulty. 

“Its fine, Miss A., thank you.”   
Honestly I could barely breathe and I was constantly reminded of the marks; but at the moment that wasn’t a bad thing. 

“Will you be able to lie on your tummy for a while later today?” I knew my hand was scratching that silly ‘itch’ from earlier and I knew her eyes were aiming in on it. 

“Of course Miss A.” I replied obediently and took another bite, this time to avoid having to say more. 

She had barely swallowed the last bite of her sandwich when she got up.

“Why don’t you go for a walk? You seem a bit… homesick” she gestured towards the window where she found me.

My mouth opened and closed. I looked down at my plate. I wasn’t even wearing shoes!   
But a light suddenly flicked on inside me. My coat! My beloved faux fur coat! It was cold out; maybe she would let me have it?

“Take the white coat by the door, and there are shoes for you in the shoe box under it. The wallet in the coat is yours too; a small advance on your pay. Go treat yourself. You’ve been a good girl! Just be back before dinner”. With that she dashed off; adapting her warrior face… ready for her client.

Defeat… 

I sighed heavily. It wasn’t just what was in the pocket of my coat. My little friend… it was the coat itself. 

The day I bought it I was leaving for London; knowing I was risking everything.  
I got it from a second hand shop. There was a time I had sworn off even wearing faux fur because I was so against fur.   
But I had to try it on. It was calling my name from the rack.

It was long, black, shining and looked so warm. And it was so soft! I put it on and looked at myself in the mirror and found it was a lady was looking back, and I just couldn’t stop smiling.

My hands were running down the fluffy fabric and the elderly woman in the shop grinned at me.  
“It suits you, love”.

I couldn’t even take the coat off. I paid it and donated my old one.   
As I left the store a thought entered my mind. If all my plans failed and I ended up homeless; at least this would keep me warm. 

The coat had a lot of utility… not just as a coat, it was a duvet, a pillow and the pockets were huge; I could store a lot of things in them and that always came handy…  
Most importantly… it was a comfort. Another friend in a cold world.


	12. Selling Out

In the hallway I found the long white trench coat. Under it was a brown shoebox with fancy lettering I could barely read. ‘Louboutin’ it said. Oh god!   
Another of her notes was placed on top of the box, just in case I hadn’t remembered what she told me. 

I kneeled and opened the box carefully, holding my breath. I was well aware what a Louboutin was…   
A beautiful pair of classic black heels met me with the trademark red sole. I barely dared touching them at all. 

I looked down at my naked feet. I felt dirty again… unworthy of these designer darlings. 

Eventually I got the courage to step into them and stood up; almost falling over.  
This was going to be a challenge!

I slipped the white trench coat on and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I blushed.   
I looked like a business woman in those clothes… or at least someone posing as one. 

I put my hands in the pockets and found the wallet she had mentioned and took it out. It was bright red; matching the soles of my new shoes.   
I opened it and my eyes widened. Never in my life had I owned that amount of money at once. A ‘small’ advance she said? 

I took a few test walks in the hallway; trying to find my balance. Stupid spine! My balance had always been terrible.   
Eventually I had to go out there. Out in the real world and I did…

 

…

 

It felt so strange being outside. I had already grown accustomed to the strange life inside Miss A.’s home. The ‘natural’ order of things in there.   
All the life out there scared me. People bumping into me, busy people… and this time I wasn’t invisible!   
“Sorry!” a dashing young business man smiled at me and then hurried on. 

I went into a grocery store and I had barely entered before I wanted to leave.  
Way too many people and too much stuff boxing me in.   
But I was on a self-assigned mission in there. I grabbed a basket and started my shopping.

When I finally got out of there I took a deep breath; a gulp of London air filling my lungs.   
I was carrying three shopping bags and barely had to lift my hand to haul a cab to take me to the alley. 

 

…

 

The cab driver looked carefully at me as I stepped out.  
“Want me to wait miss? Dangerous neighbourhood, this”.

My lips curled into a polite smile. Oh he had no idea. 

I found Macy hugging a dirty blanket trying to stay warm and I walked straight over to her. I kneeled in front of her and dug into one of the shopping bags and produced another blanket; I wrapped it over her shoulders.

“Mira!” only now she registered that it was me. Her face lighting up. “We thought…” Macy started coughing and produced a bottle of disinfectant and put it to her mouth. I quickly found the bottle of good vodka in the shopping bags and gave it to her; taking away the disinfectant.   
“Where did you get this?” she asked after swallowing down a gulp of it. “What happened to you?”

She seemed so concerned. Heartbroken even as she studied the label, picking at it with her chipped and dirty fingernails.

“Mira no, don’t tell me you went back to…” her voice trailed off and I chewed my lip painfully. 

\- Back to where she found me. 

“No, don’t you worry Macy” I gave her a brave smile. But honestly, this wasn’t much different, was it? 

“Those men… what they did to you… such a young girl” tears welled up in her eyes and she took another gulp to soothe her unwelcome emotions. 

“Macy, it’s okay. You saved me” I took hold of her hand and squeezed it tight, reminding her. I owed this woman so much. 

“You’re too good to sell yourself like that” her eyes looked into mine; hers were so pained. “They broke you”. I shook my head at her.

“Macy, I’m working for a business woman, I’m doing chores around the house… she’s a good person” I reassured her. “I bought you some food, blankets and stuff”. I opened the bags up for her to see all the goods I had brought. 

“You cried all night in my arms, bleeding and desperate”. I couldn’t hold my tears back as Macy brought up the memories.

“Please, Macy, please” I was begging her to stop. “I promise you, I’ll never go back to that” I vowed.  
She grabbed my arms and I tried hard not to show the pain as she was touching my bruises.  
“I’ve got to go, I promised her I’d be back…” I was lying. I had several hours left before dinner time… but I couldn’t stand this any longer. 

Why were people so adamant on bringing back things I tried so hard to forget??

“Here, please stop drinking the disinfectant… it’ll kill you” I handed her £50. With that I walked away, shivering… and not because of the low temperature.

 

…

 

The cab driver had chosen to wait for me, obviously watching the scene.  
I got into the cab and gave him a brave smile.

“You okay Miss?” the tears wouldn’t stop trailing down my cheeks. He handed me a handkerchief and I dried my eyes.

“Peachy!” I squeaked. 

“You look someone in need of serious retail therapy, only thing that helps my sister when she looks like that” he chimed in. I nodded.

Honestly? I needed Miss A. to hurt me. Bad. I needed her to beat this painful load of emotions right out of my system. 

He stopped by a fancy clothing store and I stepped out. I gave him another brave smile; mouthing a ‘thank you’.

I stepped into the boutique and heaved a sigh. Of course as every little girl I had dreamed of being in stores like that with a wallet full of money… 

But I didn’t belong here… not at all.


	13. Retail Therapy

“Where did you get those!?” a high pitched voice startled me and I almost tripped. My own disturbing thoughts disturbed.   
I gawked at the young woman in front of me, apparently a salesperson. 

“The shoes?” I could hardly find my voice. It was my most qualified guess to what could cause a shriek like that.

“The newest Louboutin! Sorry… I’m a bit obsessed with those” she blushed, fumbling.   
Women and shoes… even I could appreciate them.

“It was a present from my employer” I blushed as well and looked down at the black heels adorning my feet.

“You must have done a fine job!” she seemed to physically attempt to close her mouth.  
“How can I help you, Miss?” she finally remembered her professionalism. 

“I’m just doing some retail therapy…” I remembered the cab drivers wise words. She grinned at me; an understanding between us. Woman to woman.

“I’ve got just the thing!” she gave me a wink and ran off. 

She returned with a pink dress; it was gorgeous honestly. It was so me in a way… 

“Changing room’s this way. You’ll look lush in it!” she pointed me in the right direction.  
She hung the dress and closed the curtain. I was alone with my mortal enemy… a full body mirror. 

I slipped the trench coat off and then started working on getting the blue dress off. It was clinging so much to my skin I struggled.

“Everything okay in there?” Her perky voice cut through.

“Sure” I groaned. The dress was barely budging. 

“I’ll give you a hand with… that…” she was in the room with me and unzipped the dress and helped peel it off me. I winched and her eyes were wide. She swallowed uncomfortably.

“You really do need retail therapy, love”. She froze. She was looking at my bruised body in the mirror. I chewed my lip.

“I’m fine” I caught her eyes in the mirror. I reached for the pink dress and she handed it to me. I quickly stepped into it… wanting to cover up the marks for her sake.

Her hands were shivering as she zipped it up in the back.   
She was scared of touching me.

“It’s not my place, love… but… if someone did that to you, you need to get away from him”.

I did a few poses in the dress, trying to take attention away from the subject.

“I should wear pink more” I beamed. Completely ignoring her concern. “You’ve got a keen eye” I purposely praised her.   
The gentle straps sat just right on my collarbones and the sweetheart neckline wasn’t what I would have picked but I had to shamefully admit it actually gave the illusion of a bust to be proud of.  
The length of the dress, stopping just under my knees helped my legs look less ‘stupid’ as I liked to call them…   
She really was good!  
I looked… beautiful? Despite the marks of course… but they would fade. 

“Thank you…” she was still uncomfortable. I just smiled

“I’ll take this, any chance I could keep it on home?” I turned to face her. She nodded.

She was suddenly very quiet as she went on with the sale of the dress. I handed her the money in cash and walked away with Miss A.’s dress in a shopping bag; the pink dress under the trench coat… 

 

…

 

I hauled another cab and came back to her house.

There I went to my room and folded up her dress and left it on the dresser. I wanted her to see my purchase, and in a way I knew I was disobeying an indirect order.  
I needed her to punish me… I was just too proud to ask for it. 

To fill the silence before dinner I turned on the TV under the painting and sat carefully on the bed; absorbing the programmes. Trying to process the mess of a day I had. 

 

…

 

Dinner time I was at the table before her; waiting obediently in my seat. The door to the dining room closed firmly behind her, I took a gulp of air. 

“Stand up” her voice was cold as ice. Oh shit. The dress!   
“Turn around and face me” I had barely gotten on my feet. My bottom lip was trembling.  
“Take that thing off!” she snapped. My heart stopped in my chest.   
I was scared stiff! 

I removed the dress slowly, feeling how dry my mouth had become all of a sudden.

“Sit!” She ordered as soon as the dress was off and I was folding it. She took it from me and briskly hung it over the back of a chair.

I sat at the table in panties, a bra and the heels; swallowing nervously. Watching her silky dark green closely. She had a dress for every occasion it seemed… I would be happy to wear any of her tight dresses right now.

“Sorry Miss A.” I tried to look brave. “I just wanted to show you what I bought… Sorry!” Okay… forget brave. I was crumbling.

She wasn’t even responding.

Kate stopped dead in her tracks when she came in with dinner. Her repulsion towards me was so vivid.  
She refused to offer me a glance after that, giving Miss A. her full attention.  
Was she… jealous?

The lamb was eaten in painful silence. I struggled keeping each bite down, but every time I was about to put the fork down she shot me one of her warning looks. I was already in enough trouble… 

I was swallowing the last bite, feeling the muscles in my chest contract.

“Go to your room. Remove your undergarments and put them neatly on the dresser, place the shoes in front of it; the soles facing away from the dresser. Lie on your stomach. Hands and arms outstretched and don’t you dare move!”

She glared at me. I nodded; I took a few moments to reply. My voice was playing hide and seek. 

“Yes Miss A.”


	14. Flat Open Palm

I was sniffling when I was removing the underwear from my body. The heels were already placed neatly to her specific orders; I had been careful to place them in the exact middle of the dresser, lining them up as perfectly as I could.

I had been diagnosed with a mild form of stress induced OCD after a therapist I saw for a while caught me aligning the magazines in her waiting room before our first session. This wasn’t that different. 

My eyes were wet when I lay ready. I was in for something a lot worse than the riding crop... could I handle that? Was I strong enough? 

I wanted to run. I wanted to get away… I felt the panic right under the top layer of my skin, crawling to get out.  
But at the same time… I needed something extreme enough to drown out the chaos this day had left inside of me. 

The sound of her heels was the sound of impending doom. My Breathing halted.

She didn’t waste time; she had barely entered the room and closed the door before she had me tied to the bed. There was no soft caressing of my wrists and ankles… it was just simple restriction. 

She sat next to me on the bed; her finger trailing carelessly over one of my scars.  
“Want to talk about what happened today?”

Her voice was so calm; yet so eerie. Every hair on my shaved body stood on edge.

“I’m sorry Miss A. I won’t do that again”

It was a heartfelt apology but somehow it didn’t come out that way. I was fighting too hard to keep breathing.   
Couldn’t she just get it over with?

“The blue dress really suited you. I don’t care what you spend your money on. But when I pick an outfit for you; when I let you borrow one of my dresses you should show some respect” her fingertips felt so soft against my skin as she was still teasing the raised scar.

“Unless you were trying to give me a hint” her fingers stopped, hovering dangerously over my skin.  
I held my breath.   
“Do you want me to go easy on you?” her blood red nail applied just a bit of pressure as it ran back down the scar.

“It wasn’t a hint, Miss A.” I voiced breathlessly. The more she touched me the more sensitive I became. This couldn’t be good!

“You want to be treated like the bad girl you were today?” her nail dug deeper into my skin and I was sniffling again.

“Please Miss A.” I sobbed to her. Just get it over with already you crazy bitch.

“Raise that pretty ass in the air for me then” she was on her feet and yanked the pillow away from under my chin. I strained to lift off of the sheets and she slipped the pillow under my hips; holding my bottom in position.

“Perfect angle” she mused pleased. Too pleased. 

“You’ve tried this before… ” she sat back down on the side of the bed. 

Then I knew exactly what she had in mind.  
Fuck! 

*SMACK!* I could hear the sound as skin met skin echo in the room; her flat open palm had hit my backside with force, I was unprepared.

It stung immediately. 

Fuck. Ow!

Another. A strong slap; driving me forward. 

I was biting hard into my lip and tried to muffle my useless cries. 

One more. Tears were running from my eyes. 

“No…” I wailed as I felt her pause to get ready to put power behind the next one. It had no effect on her. 

“Shhh sweetie” she shushed me. And yet another.

“Please…“ my back was arching, heaving and falling on the bed. I tried desperately to absorb the pain… to endure the intense throbbing. 

This was too much. Too cruel. And I didn’t mean the physical abuse. This was evil on a psychological level.

It wasn’t just the mere act of spanking. It was the anticipation… the moments before the inevitable impact. My blood curdling, the stalling of my breath. Freezing… and then… OW!! 

She was almost rhythmic in her punishment even. 

*SMACK!* My legs were kicking, my hands dragging at the shackles. My body throwing a temper tantrum beyond my own control.

“Lie still or I will ram my fist up that pretty tight, red, ass of yours without lubrication” she heaved a bored sigh. She barely even raised her voice.

It worked. I froze completely with fear. 

“Good girl” she chuckled. It didn’t stop the spanking however. 

I lost count over how many she issued me with. But to me it felt endless. And they only got harsher, faster.

When I suspected yet another slap and had readied my body she instead pushed two fingers into my opening; pushing me into the pillow under me. She held them there for a moment and I shuddered. My walls gripping at the unsuspected invaders. 

“You’re soaking wet, no wonder you held back on your safe-word” she was mocking me as she twisted her fingers. I groaned. Pushing my face into the sheets, groaning into the linen. 

My body was a complete mess… 

She pulled her fingers out of me and I felt her carelessly dry them off in the sheets next to me.

“You’re a strong girl, Mira” she was back to fondling my scar gently. Her voice soft. As if nothing had happened.  
“Physically as you are mentally, but next time you don’t have to misbehave for me to give you what you need. I am your employer not your dominatrix” she turned sharp and got on her feet; trotting out of there, after giving me one last slap for good measure.

I was crying and screaming into the sheet, my teeth chewing on it as soon as the door closed. This was a punishment that kept on giving.   
The skin on my bare bottom was twitching, burning and crawling. 

She had been worse than my mother…


	15. Aftercare

I could not stop the desperate sobbing. My tears, snot and spit was all pooling together on the sheet in front of me face; only adding to my misery. 

This was so much more than the pain. 

This was a full on breakdown.

“Shhh!” I heard a voice close to me. It took effort to lift my head to look to the source. Kate. I could barely see her for the haze of tears and regret. 

I was so far gone I had never noticed her coming in.

Kate sat down where Miss A. had been sitting during my punishment. She was holding a cup in her hand and I felt the cold sting on my burning skin and instantly tried to get away… I was struggling with the shackles and cried out.

“She told me not to let you lose yet… sorry…” she continued to apply the cold stuff dutifully. “Please lie still, you’re making it a lot more difficult than it should be” she begged me. She was far from pleased to have to attend to me.

I wasn’t even in control of my own movements. I was trying to escape what felt like another assault. 

“You shouldn’t piss her off like that” 

I burrowed my face in the sheets again, I was inconsolable… 

“Irene!!” Kate called out; I could barely hear it… she sounded miles away and yet she was right next to me. She got on her feet and I felt the weight shift on the bed.   
Any movement, any change in pressure against my crawling skin made me wail.

“Leave us!” Miss A.’s voice barked shortly after and I jumped. 

“Mira?” she whispered as she was undoing the shackles… I didn’t move even if I was free. I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop.

“Sweetie?” her voice was soft and careful. She caressed my shoulder gently and I made a pathetic attempt to escape her touch.

“Look at me please” she told me. I wasn’t able to respond. I didn’t want to either.

I screamed as she effortlessly picked me up; allowing me curl up into a ball in her lap. She ran her fingers through my hair and rocked me.

“It’s over now sweetie” she cooed. “It’s all over now” she was fondling my jawline; looking into my eyes.

She looked so concerned and I still sobbed loudly.

She bent down and kissed my forehead and continued brushing my hair with her slender fingers… 

Eventually it worked and I calmed down. Breathing steadily but still sniffling. 

She held me close to her, even as I relaxed.   
I don’t know why, or how to explain it but I felt calm in her arms.

 

…

 

My mind decided this was the time to remind me of the last time someone had held me like that… Macy. New, hot tears welled up in my eyes and ran down my burning cheeks. 

Images were flashing before me… alternating between myself sobbing into Macy’s filthy jacket, clawing at it and the reason for it… running through dark streets, the metallic taste of blood taking over the even worse and revolting taste in my mouth and those pangs of the pain poking holes in the armour the adrenaline had dressed me in.

My mind wasn’t playing fair.

 

…

 

Miss A. brushed the tears away with her pale hand.

“Mira, stay with me” I heard her voice. It felt far away… I was slipping into the haze again… overwhelmed by emotions.  
She ‘kindly’ pushed her thumb into my healing, bandaged cut. I felt like I was underwater and it was forcing me to the surface as if I was a bubble of air… Forming as unmentionable things rotted at the bottom. 

I gasped.

“Look at me Mira” she smiled at me, she seemed pleased to see me returning to the surface. I looked into her blue eyes, trying to focus. 

I didn’t want to slip under again… it was a scary world down there… full of all the things I tried to forget.

“Breathe with me” her thumb was caressing the bandage. She took a deep breath in… I tried too, I was shivering violently.  
“Put your hand on your chest, feel your chest expand… feel the air filling your lungs. Breathe…” she took another breath and I put my hand on my chest. My arm felt so heavy but I managed it… 

My ribcage expanded my hand was pushed outward… falling back down as I exhaled… 

“Good girl” she beamed at me.

I was calmed down… my head was finally empty. I was no longer in immediate fear of drowning.

“I promise I will never do this to you again… I should have known” she cradled me in her arms; just like I was a child. Her red lips kissed the top of my head and a small smile crept on my lips. 

“Let’s get you cleaned up” she whispered to me and got on her feet still holding me… I was amazed how she could just lift me so easily. 

 

…

 

She put me on my feet in the bathroom. I was shivering still, but mostly because I was cold; I was still naked. 

She soaked a cloth and wiped my cheeks gently, washing away all the tears. 

“There’s that pretty face” she laughed and held me at an arm’s length; her finger caressing my cheek just like she had done in the alley. 

She got a soft sponge and held it under the faucet; soaking it in warm water and put a bit of the hyacinth soap on it… I let her scrub me carefully. She started with my shoulders and cleaned the front of my body.   
I just stood there… a bit catatonic I suppose. I didn’t even react as the sponge hit the dull bruises.

She knelt before me and was scrubbing my thighs, legs and feet. She got on her feet and my back was up next.  
I cringed as she ran her finger over my swollen shoulder blade. 

“That looks painful” she leaned forward and I felt her lips on my skin. I trembled. It was such a soft; such a caring move.   
She let her finger trail down my twisted spine curiously. 

“I’m sorry sweetie” her hand stopped just before it reached my bottom.

I heaved a shuddering sigh. 

The sponge washed down the path of her hand; she skipped my raw bottom and moved down my legs. I was sucking my bottom lip into my mouth.

She was so soft with me.

Too soft…


	16. The Kitty

She got back on her feet, wringing and soaked the sponge again; kneeling before me yet again.   
I was looking down at her. 

I was so used to her towering over me. It was wrong but I was too numb to pay it too much mind.

“Spread your legs a bit for me, sweetie” I did as told. I wasn’t too happy about it though…  
“One more step” and I awkwardly spread further.

She was washing me between my legs, cleaning me thoroughly, a little roughly. 

She knew me well. Feeling clean was what I needed. It had me at ease… finally. 

“Why don’t you love your Kitty more?” I was sure she scrubbed me one too many times.

I looked down into her eyes, questioningly. My what? I didn’t have a cat!

“This is not a thing to be ashamed of, it’s a friend to cherish” she looked back into my eyes; lecturing me.   
I suckled on my lip.

“You’re a beautiful young woman, Mira. Every inch of you is just delicious. Hold on” she got back on her feet and carelessly threw the sponge into the sink. 

She handed me a compact mirror. 

“Have you ever seen her?” 

I shook my head in reply. Why would I want to look at a mess of dirty skin flaps and folds?

“You have been with women, yes?” she knelt before me again. I nodded.   
“And you saw theirs?” this I nodded at again… the cat literally got my tongue.   
“You cannot have been repulsed by that” she almost chuckled. 

She was schooling me on sexual health and I knew it. 

“No Miss A.” I finally answered; getting a sudden hot flash as I thought back to it. It wasn’t something I looked back at enough!

“It’s not religious reasons that makes you feel that way about your own body. You don’t seem ashamed of your sexuality if I may be so bold… is it simply low confidence?” she was taking hold of my hand and moved it between my legs.

“Look at her” I cringed as the mirror reflected the naked ‘kitty’ as she decided to name it. 

“She deserves some love, doesn’t she? Look at that sensitive little rosebud” her fingers were suddenly holding my outer lips open; showing me my own clit. I gasped appalled. 

“Why do you hate her?” her hand felt way too soft as she was spreading me. 

“I don’t know” I sniffled again. I felt how I was becoming moist and I could see it too in the mirror. I looked away from the sight.

“You should be proud at how responsive you are” her thumb caressed my outer lips. I chewed on my lip, still looking away. I had seen far too much already for my own liking.

“Some women have to work hard on that” her finger flicked over my bud. I trembled and bucked at her touch.   
“Of course it does make certain things a challenge as a submissive… I’ll teach you to hold back, don’t worry” she gave it another flick and I bucked again losing my footing but she caught me and kept me still.

“Please Miss A. ‘she’ and I are not friends” my voice was small; coming from deep down my throat catching the lump that had formed there. 

Please stop this now, before it’s too late… I begged internally.

There was nothing she could say that could make me love that traitorous little filthy bitch… if only she wasn’t part of my body!

“She betrayed you?” her mouth fell open and she let go of me as if I was a hot potato. 

Her hands folded in her lap and she looked at me with open mouth. She had read my mind again. This time she was shocked at what she found apparently.

I sobbed. I felt how the blood drained from my face and I felt faint. The room was spinning.

“Oh Mira!” she got on her feet and hugged me tight to her; she put my head on her chest and caressed my back.

I was too numb to push her away but I just wanted to be left alone. The last thing I wanted was human touch.

Unwelcome images and sounds flashed mercilessly through my mind.

I struggled out of her arms and managed to kneel at the toilet just in time.   
My body bucked and heaved as I vomited, taking ages to be satisfied. 

She was holding my hair back with one hand; rubbing my back with the other; trying to comfort me.

I gasped for air and tried to straighten up. I felt so weak. Wanting to salvage what remained of dignity.

She was quick to turn on the tap and helped me to my feet so I could rinse my mouth.   
She handed me the mouthwash too and I gargled it; desperate to get rid of the revolting taste and replace it with burning mint. 

She reached for the cloth and washed my face, again. 

“I’m sorry” I squeaked shamefully. I looked at her; I was barely able to stand on my own two feet. If she wasn’t holding me upright I would have slid to the floor and stayed there.

Miss A. reached for a brush and started combing through my hair humming softly.   
“You’re trembling” she stated the obvious. I nodded.  
“Let’s get you back to bed; you should rest”

She picked me up yet again and carefully laid me on the bed. I curled up hugging my knees.   
The sheets and the pillow had been changed. I burrowed my nose in the pillow and took in the scent. 

She brushed her fingers through my hair.

“Sleep well, Mira. You earned it”


	17. Layer of Skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!
> 
> Please, please proceed with caution.

I was suspended in endless darkness; I could not move no matter how hard I tried.  
There was nothing but the darkness, the thick darkness that seemed to have mass.

It grew hands, several hands and they were all pulling at my limbs; forcefully shoving me around and it made me feel sick to my stomach. I couldn’t even cry out. The sound didn’t make it past my lips.

My body had become a shell and I was trapped helplessly inside it.

The hands only got more vicious and insisting. 

Laughter echoed around me, a strange laughter. It sounded recorded and it even skipped and started over again.

I was being held down, and open by hands and a shadow crawled on top of me. I felt the weight, I felt his breath… I felt everything…

I was desperately trying to thrash, to get away from it; I felt how my throat burned from forming the desperate screams that never made it out. 

 

…

 

“NO!!“ I howled and it woke me. 

My cheeks were soaked with tears; I was sweaty and gasping for breath. 

I kicked myself out of bed and stood there shivering. The tears wouldn’t stop falling and I hugged my arms firmly.  
I could feel the hands on my body still. Cold and slimy. Disgusting.

My skin was crawling and I couldn’t find peace.   
I tried to sit on the bed and find my breath and convince myself that it was just another of those stupid nightmares.

I could vividly feel the hand from the dream that had held my left wrist; it was sliding over my skin and it made me gag and arch my back. 

I wasn’t in control of my own body any longer when I got on my feet and left the room.  
I knew I was naked but there was no stopping my feet from taking another step… and then another.

 

…

 

I found myself in the kitchen. 

As silently as I could I was opening drawers searching for relief.   
Every hair on my body was on edge, vibrating. My skin shuddering. The hand still holding onto my wrist.

The drawers were suspiciously lacking the one thing I was after. My upper lip lifted much like a snarling dog’s. 

How dared she? How the hell did she dare treating me like some sort of addict? 

I couldn’t even find a dull butter knife! 

I got antsy and desperate. I needed that relief. I needed something to take away that feeling that just wouldn’t go away.

Please!

I checked every drawer again; hoping I had missed something… or perhaps a sharp object had magically appeared to save me.

My fingers ran curiously over one utensil. A potato peeler. I was feeling the texture of the handle.  
A smile on my lips… the calm was already seeping through my pores. 

I grabbed it and slid to the floor; my back against the kitchen cabinets.  
My hands were shaking and I almost dropped it.

If only this had been my ‘friend’. I would know just how to hold it and how to apply the right amount of pressure.   
Would this even work? Would it be enough to take away all the bad feelings that were trapped inside me?

I could feel the pressure inside; my entire body ached.  
There was only one way to stop it. 

I put the peeler to my skin on the side of my left wrist; where I could feel the grip of the invisible hand tighten painfully. 

I tried to make a cut but it barely broke the skin. Several pathetic attempts later I was sobbing. My finger clawing at the plastic handle.

I put it to my skin again; using it as intended. The second time I was moving down my arm it was peeling off a layer of my skin.  
I bit my lip hard; drawing blood… oh!

It took 3 peels of my own skin before I was satisfied. 

I leaned back against the counter and let go of a sigh. The bloodied potato peeler fell from my hand and my entire body relaxed.

My wrist was on fire; throbbing and the pain was shooting through my entire arm. Every nerve ending dancing.

But my head was empty. The pressure was gone and no more tears fell from my eyes…

Everything was okay… 

I took a deep breath. Oh how I loved that scent. The metallic scent of blood… my blood. 

Time stood still. I was in my own little bubble and I was happy. I was safe… I was high.

It was wonderful… right until a harsh slap on my cheek brought me back to the land of the living. 

 

Oh no. What had I done??


	18. This Stings More

“Fuck!” Miss A. spat hysterically and slapped my face again. 

I stared back at her, dumbly. The intense burning from my wrist had me flying high. I could barely hear her from atop my little happy cloud.

“Mira, you stupid girl!” she barked at me. I just smiled.

She dragged me to my feet like an errant child and leaned me over the sink; took hold of my arm and turned on the water holding my wrist under.

My eyes fluttered open and I cried out in pain and tried to wrestle free of her grip. I had crash landed. 

“No, Mira. This is going to hurt and you will just have to hold on. Stupid girl!”

She held my arm to make sure the water was hitting the wound directly.   
Only when she was satisfied she planted me harshly on a kitchen chair and found the first aid kit. 

“No, this is too kind” she took a bottle out. 

I watched her… I couldn’t move a muscle, even if I wanted to.   
My arm was shivering and twitching violently from all the serrated nerve endings. 

“This stings more” she placed another bottle on the table in front of me. She was licking her lips as she held up a third.   
“Perfect” 

Her hand clenched around the bottle and I held my breath and my eyes widened with actual fear.

She placed a cloth under my arm and gave me a look that was order enough.

‘Do not move, move and you will regret it’.

My toes were digging into the linoleum under me as my entire body arched; sweat filming on my skin. My hand formed a fist and the movement only made the alcohol burn harsher in the wound. 

“Oh, does it sting. I’m sorry!” She laughed; grinning at my peril. She was not the least bit sorry.

I was kicking the floor and tears were running down my face. I was whimpering like a small dog.

She might as well have lit my skin on fire. That had probably even hurt less. Fuck. Shit, OOOOOW! I was biting my lip hard and hissed at the sensation. 

When the burn finally subsided just a bit I was panting for breath as if I had just finished a marathon.  
“I’m sorry Miss A!” I gasped breathlessly. 

“Sorry?” She glared into my eyes and grabbed the bandages from the kit. She roughly wrapped my arm; showing me no mercy… 

I didn’t deserve her mercy. 

When she was about to put the first aid kit away I saw how her face changed. She got an idea.

This did not bode well for me… I swallowed uncomfortably and with my hand I felt the fresh bandage. Almost admiring her work.

She found another roll of bandages and came back to me. She roughly took hold of my healthy wrist and briskly wrapped it too. 

“Come” 

She was already dragging me away by my arm and I stumbled after her; even up the stairs where I several times tripped over the steps.  
Every time I lost my footing her grip got tighter and more forceful. 

She shoved me into her bedroom and glared at me. I chewed on my lip standing idly in the middle of the room.

“I can’t trust you” There was a sorrow and disappointment in her voice that broke my heart. I swallowed hard trying to get rid of the painful lump that formed in my throat.

From a drawer she produced two things and in the dim light my eyes tried to zone in on them. Plastic strips and a syringe. I shuddered.

She took hold of my bad wrist and closed the plastic strip around it. Then she attached it to my other wrist and my hands were effectively tied in front of my body. 

“Get used to it” she commented as I was wriggling my wrists and trying to set my shoulders comfortably.   
“I decide when I can trust you enough to use your pretty little hands again. Understood?” her strong hand took hold of my jaw. I flinched. It hurt!

She gave me a shove; telling me to walk, and I did.   
She followed me to ‘my’ bedroom and she was kind enough to help me into bed. My restricted hands took the last of my troubled balance. 

“I am very disappointed in you” She towered over me as she put the covers over me and my eyes were wet with tears. 

“I’m so sorry Miss A.” I sniffled but she just shook her head.

“Just to be certain you don’t get yourself into more trouble…” her thumb was gently massaging the flesh on my shoulder. Without further warning she stabbed the syringe into my skin and not long after the room started spinning… casting me into a dreamless sleep.

 

…

 

My mind woke before my body did. I took in the room around me… trying to regain control of my limbs; slowly but surely sensation and movement returned. 

My hands were still tied, lying joined on my stomach. My feet were free to wriggle and stretch.   
My wrist buzzed. Ugh. Yes I really did do that…   
My bottom was sore as I stretched and it got pushed further into the sheet under me… that happened too…

But what was that biting pain on my chest, that dull burning that… OW!

“Ah!” I gasped sitting up.

“Morning” Miss A. laughed; yanking on a slim silver chain. 

I soon realized what that chain was attached to; and what that biting was. 

“It’s about time you started doing what I pay you for”.

She gave it another tug, the chain pulling at the clamps that were crushing my nipples. The movement rekindling the sensation my body was trying to accommodate for.


	19. Nipple Clamps

I looked down, curiously seeing how her pulling the chain towards her stretched the delicate and sensitive skin of my nipple, making it almost see-through; I gasped for my breath and actually wondered if she could rip the skin right off if she kept going. 

She probably could if she wanted to, or I pissed her off enough…

“Your small size does make you so much more sensitive…” she slacked the chain and I took a gulp of air in, relaxing while I could.   
“I took the chance to attach them while you were still sedated. It saved me the bother of you squealing and bucking” she took a few steps closer to me and I locked eyes with her.  
“But I’ll make up for that later…”. She licked her blood red lips.

Oh, I didn’t doubt it…

Her hand suddenly grabbed my breast and I cried out. I was expecting her to hurt me… but she just held it softly; carefully fondling the skin and weighed it in her hand. It made me moan; I tried to but I couldn’t hold it back. 

My body always responded to her touch; whether I liked it or not.

“Do you see what I mean? You don’t scream from pain, Mira. You scream with fear” she gave the clamp on the nipple a flick and I gasped; biting into my lip.  
“Pain keeps you quiet” She voiced what she had just demonstrated.

“You have to learn to control your fear and allow yourself to give in” her face was close to mine and I nodded; feeling her breath on my skin. 

She yanked on the chain again and I yelped.   
She laughed at me… she had not yanked enough for it to move the clamps at all. 

She continued to prove how right she was about me.   
How right she had been all along…

“It’s time for breakfast… I should drag you down there like this” she tugged on the chain and I sighed as it gave me a jolt of pain.   
I was slowly learning… 

“Like the little slave girl you are” she winked; giving me a smirk.  
I really was her slave…

“Sadly Kate isn’t too keen on me having a live-in, especially not after our little show yesterday. So we will have to be a bit more discreet than that… but not to fear!” She roughly removed the clamps and I bit my lip hard; absorbing the pain as my poor nipples now throbbed angrily.   
The blood was rushing back into them and my eyes widened at the sensation.

“Good, isn’t it?” She sighed; admiring the sight…   
I shuddered. My fingers twitched; reminding me once again that she had my hands under her control.

“I bought these recently” She placed the clamps on the dresser and came back with a much smaller pair.   
“I’m afraid they are a bit too kind, but I’ll allow you be the judge of that when I take them off you tonight” 

In her hand she held two small metal rings that looked like they would fit snugly around my nipple and a split bar went through them. 

She placed one of them on my thigh

“Sit still” She winked at me and held the other one up for me to see.

“This is a magnetic nipple clamp” she pulled at either side of the bars pulling them apart slowly before she let go and they clicked back together; fast and with a loud ‘Click!’. It made me jump and the one she left on my thigh slipped and landed between my legs. 

“Sorry Miss A.!” I said obediently.   
She told me to sit still and I hadn’t managed that. 

“Well, I was going to put them on you gently… but this will be a lot more fun!” She chuckled. She really enjoyed toying with me.

“Deep breath” She winked and pulled the bars apart. She slid it onto my already sore nipple.   
I drew a deep breath and held it. She let go of the bars and they snapped right back into my skin.

“AH!” My eyes were wide and I jumped as if I had been shocked. 

“You earned it, sweetie” she gave the metal now attached to me a flick. 

“One left…” she reached between my legs and retrieved the last one. 

“Deep breath…”

I was now wearing both… my nipples throbbing and the metal digging into my skin; I was trying to find myself and a normal breathing pattern.

“Let’s get you dressed” she heaved a sigh and from the dresser she came back with a pair of black panties that she helped me into.

“At least I’m sure I get to decide what we put on that neat little body of yours” She pulled on the strip ties to emphasise what she meant. 

She ordered me to stand up and helped me into a floor-length burgundy dress; strapless of course. Then she held onto me as I stepped into the black heels. 

How in the world was I supposed to strut around in those with my hands tied like that?   
I could see myself ending up with a bloodied nose; or even worse: breaking my neck tumbling down the stairs!

“It’s a shame Kate gets so emotional sometimes… but oh well, this isn’t a bad look on you” Miss A. sighed disapprovingly. She made me do a turn.

She helped me all the way down to the dining room; holding my arm tightly. My bruises were fading already but she managed to push into some of them; giving me a dull throbbing sensation.


	20. Porridge

Finally sitting at the table I took a deep sigh of relief.   
I was amazed I had actually managed the trip without any injuries…

Kate silently served us breakfast; porridge.  
My stomach turned painfully… I hated porridge with a passion. Always had!

“Thank you, Kate. It looks delicious” Miss A. beamed at the red haired woman as she was about to leave the room.   
She took hold of Kate’s hand and gave it a quick comforting squeeze, looking into her eyes.

I was getting in between the two of them and it made my eyes seek the horrid sight that was my breakfast, uncomfortably. 

I felt like I was trespassing on their delicate moment.

I only looked up when I heard Kate had exited the room, the kitchen door closing behind her.   
Miss A. was calmly eating her porridge. 

My stomach growled… I was hungry after all. 

But, did she really expect me to eat like a dog? I couldn’t possibly do that… The simple thought of stuffing my face into the food made me sicker than the porridge had already managed.

I started contemplating if I could manage to use the spoon and feed myself without the porridge ending up on the front of the dress. I was scared to even attempt it though. Worse than facing her wrath for disrespecting her clothes; I wouldn’t be able to overcome the gross feeling.

After a few mouthfuls she took pity on me and flashed me a smile.

“I guess I will have to feed you, too” She rose to her feet and sat herself down next to me. She filled the spoon and put it to my lips

“Open wide, sweetie” she winked teasingly and fed me the porridge. 

She barely gave me time to swallow one mouthful before she was stuffing the next into my mouth. The sheer fact that it was porridge made me gag already. 

It was the texture more than it was the taste… yuck. 

But there was no mercy…

“Swallow” she ordered as I struggled with the 7th mouthful. I struggled; my throat was closing. Protesting.

As punishment she quickly filled my mouth with yet another spoonful before I had successfully gulped the previous down.

“You will finish this. You will show Kate’s cooking some respect” she took hold of my hair and yanked my head back. 

“Swallow” she repeated coldly. The thick porridge finally made it down my throat.

My eyes were wet and I was heaving for my breath. 

“Just a few more to go” she whispered, warning me to not make a fuss of it, and continued her force feeding.

When the plate was finally empty she dropped the spoon and let go of my hair in the very same forceful movement. 

Miss A. briskly wiped my face with the white cloth napkin before throwing it on the table when she was done.

She walked back to her seat and finished her portion with dignity… I slumped in my chair and gasped for air. 

My right to dignity had vanished long ago.

The porridge was on its way back up. 

My oesophagus convulsed and it took me effort to keep fighting against it.  
But I had to win this battle against my own body… I couldn’t let myself be overtaken like this… 

“You really don’t like porridge, huh?” she chuckled. She could see it on me.

“N-not my favourite food, I suppose. Miss A.” I managed to reply. I was shivering violently.

“Shame, it’s very nutritious” she took yet another small spoonful; visibly enjoying it. Obviously overdoing it to prove a point.

“It is, Miss A.” I swallowed hard. 

“So, tell me Mira… do you feel the clamps?” she wiped the edge of her lip delicately.

“I feel them Miss A.” I replied, keeping my answers short as I was still trying to keep my body under control.

“Painful, or just a dull feeling?” she leaned back slightly and observed me. 

“Arch your back a bit, sweetie” she instructed me. As I did my chest was pushed forward and into the clingy fabric of the dress. 

I heaved a sigh.

“Better?” her eyebrow raised as she questioned me. 

I nodded solemnly. It didn’t hurt terribly, but it was a dull throbbing. It took my attention completely away from the problems I was having keeping the porridge down.

“The right amount of pain will solve any issue for a girl like you, Mira. Use it to your own advantage… don’t be afraid to seek it” As she spoke I locked eyes with her.

“The right kind of pain I mean. Mira, what you did last night was so far out of line!” she turned icy cold and I felt faint instantly.  
“You are not my sub, but trust is important. Respect, mutual respect. Do you understand?” her eyes pierced mine as icy picks.   
“If you had a craving all you had to do was knock on my door, I’d beat it out of you. Safely!” she hissed. I had managed to piss her off good and proper. 

I bowed my head and nodded.

“I am so sorry Miss A. I wasn’t thinking…” 

Honestly, I didn’t… I hadn’t even felt like it was me who did it. But here I was, paying the price.

“Promise me. Mira. Next time your addiction shows its ugly face you come to me. You are never to cut yourself again”

I nodded at her, my mouth was dry. I honestly wasn’t sure I could make a promise like that… I had tried to stop since the day I started when I was 13 years old.


	21. No Improvement

A painful silence followed and I realized something rather embarrassing.

“Miss A. I need the loo, may I be excused please?” I looked to her.  
This time it wasn’t an excuse to be let go…

She nodded and followed me to the bathroom where she helped me out of the dress and I could barely look at her.

“I can do it on my own…” Her eyes were on me as I stuttered.   
She gave me a pensive look.

“You sure you can get clean enough on your own? I will not be letting you off the hook just for this”. She knew my pressure point…   
I chewed my lip.

“Please let me try… I don’t want this… it’s a ‘Pink’ for me” I was blinking looking into her eyes.

“Okay, but I’ll be outside… just call on me.” 

She really wasn’t giving me any credit!

 

…

 

It was a struggle and I was thankful for her wrapping both my wrists with bandages; else the plastic strips would have cut right into my skin!   
I groaned and felt my shoulder complain… but I managed.

Victory!

Getting up to wash my hands I was met with myself in the mirror.   
My eyes were puffy with all the stuff that happened the night before. 

I took a few steps back and saw the clamps, attached to my nipples. A few more steps and there stood a slave… A slave who could walk out any time she wanted… and yet here I was. 

But why? I know I needed the money… but was any amount of money really worth all of this? Any sane person would have left long ago. 

No, a sane person had not even gotten into that car…

But then again a sane person wouldn’t have ended up homeless the way I did, giving up everything…

I had a career once… I had a future. But my past kept catching up to me; all the pain and memories kept incapacitating me and I just had to get away… 

And what exactly did it get me? This was no improvement. 

I frowned disapprovingly at the young woman in the mirror.

It had all started off great… my big London adventure.   
I stayed in an all right but cheap hostel; looking for a home. I was auditioning for any plays, TV shows, musicals and what else I could find to audition for. Doing my very best, going that extra mile…

There was no luck… I found no work anywhere…   
And slowly I worked my way down the ranks, but I couldn’t even make it as a dishwasher. 

Before I knew it the money was gone and after a few first scary nights alone on the streets I realized I had to bite the bullet…

 

…

 

“Are you okay in there?” Miss A. interrupted my thoughts. I stumbled.

“I could use a hand getting dressed, Miss A. Thank you” I called back to her.   
I wiped the tear that had formed in the corner of my eye away before she came in.

“You managed?” she looked into my eyes. She didn’t believe it.

I nodded in reply, giving a smile. 

“I did all right” I let her know as she began helping me back into the panties and then the dress. She stopped while the dress was at my hips.

She gave each of the clamps a flick and I sighed; my body relaxing.

“Thank you Miss A.” I gasped and she finished making me decent.

“I have a business meeting this afternoon” she said as she walked out and I followed her “He’ll be here at 3. You will have to be there” she explained as she was walking. 

“Yes Miss A.” I replied. I was trying to figure out why I would have to sit in on a business meeting.   
And what did a business meeting actually imply in her line of work? I had a few horrible thoughts before she continued talking, leading me down the stairs. 

“Normally I wouldn’t do this… these meetings are very delicate but I won’t be able to concentrate unless I can keep an eye on you. This trust is going to take a long time to rebuild” … she wouldn’t allow me to forget it anytime soon.

“Understood Miss A.” I nodded.

“You will sit in your chair during the meeting, anything you hear will be confidential. I hope you understand that” She continued lecturing me. “Oh, and you answer only to me. Should he give you any orders you don’t even react.”

“Yes Miss A.”


	22. Alarmed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Life got a bit in the way... 
> 
> I am hoping to keep to my twice a week schedule in the future.
> 
>  
> 
> Happy reading and thank you.

I passed time with my new favourite activity, apparently. I had been staring at the street outside for hours… 

I was strangely numb as the world just continued out there; London hustling and bustling in front of my eyes.   
All of the different people oblivious to my very existence. 

\- Only this time they actually couldn’t see me. I was hidden behind window panes and white walls. A prisoner in a way, but at my own device… 

Kate had placed a health shake in the window frame for me; served in a tall glass with a straw so I wouldn’t have to endure another humiliating force feeding session at the oh so ‘merciful’ hands of Miss A. 

The look in Kate’s eyes had been physically painful to be at the receiving end of.  
It was a pitiful stare. She was sorry for me… 

She knew what I had done…

How well and truly I had fucked up.

 

…

 

“Do you miss it, your life out there?” 

I had not noticed the Woman entering the room so I jumped with a startled gasp. I was overly alert. Ready for fight or flight… 

“I don’t know, Miss A.” I shrugged tiredly; calming myself down. I needed to remain cool.

My eyes never even left the window. My body was heavy; so immensely heavy.

“Were the cold streets of London better than where you came from?” she stood next to me; looking out just as I was.  
She was trying to comfort me by mirroring my movements.

“I don’t know, Miss A.” I repeated my answer; even keeping the tone. 

I didn’t know anything anymore. 

I could barely remember my old name, or my new one for that matter.   
I couldn’t remember what my mother’s favourite cake tasted like even if I still knew the recipe by heart.

But I could remember the smell of Macy’s jacket… the feeling of her rough fingers carefully brushing through my hair on bad nights; trying to stop my trembling and the loud chattering of my teeth. 

I could remember the heartbreak in her eyes recently. Oh if only she knew… 

Oh Macy… I kept failing people.

“Sweetie?” Miss A. snapped me out of my wandering thoughts as she wiped the teardrop away from my cheek and now held my chin firmly with one hand; looking worriedly into my eyes. 

“What’s going on inside that pretty little head?” she tilted her head.

“I don’t miss it… I miss someone” I admitted just as I realized it myself. 

“Oh dear” she continued to hold my face; her thumb pressing hard into my chin. 

“He’ll be here soon” she changed the subject; looking at the silver watch adorning her pale wrist. 

I swallowed. She finally released me and I gasped; only now knowing I had been holding my breath.

Who would be where, when?? I had completely forgotten.

 

…

 

I was sitting in the corner of her dining room.   
She had instructed me to sit with my head bowed and my hands in my lap. (Not that I had a choice.)

Biscuits and tea was ready; two cups. One cup for Miss A., and another for the mystery man.   
Miss A. was checking her trademark blood red nails pensively. She was trying to hide it but she was getting impatient. 

He was late…

“I’ll need to use you to prove a few points to him. Don’t be alarmed” she turned her head to look at me. 

I had been staring at her neck for a while; admiring her. The dress; that dark, dark green dress she was wearing gave me a good view of her back… it took me a while to snap out of it. 

“Yes Miss A.” I answered before I had digested what she told me. 

Don’t be what? Alarmed?? 

It wasn’t as if she hadn’t already done enough to alarm me already.  
She was a hard one to figure out.

But perhaps that was on purpose… she wanted to keep me guessing.

After an agonising wait he finally came. 

He was eerie presence. 

The man slithered into the room like a serpent. He was in a black suit and a grey tie; he walked with a slight hunch. The hunch seemed deliberate. He knew his own status but he seemed absolutely bored with the world around him. 

No, not bored… bothered.

My heart was beating hard in my chest, trying to escape. He could only be bad news.


	23. Product Sample

There was a long and painful silence; the two of them engaging in a lengthy staring contest that neither of them wanted to lose… afraid to lose face. 

\- The intelligent version of arm wrestling, I suppose. 

She purposely broke it to pour the tea and slid his cup across the table. 

He was quick to drink from it and leaned back.   
His scary eyes were now staring straight at me instead. 

I kept my head bowed as per Miss A.’s instructions and swallowed uncomfortably. 

Every cell in my body wanted to get away… 

Had she not instructed me to sit like that; my head would have bowed naturally. I didn’t appreciate the attention from him, and would do anything to avoid that icy gaze…

“My pet” she explained to him, answering the question his gestures had asked. 

He sipped his tea again. 

“… Is she safe?“ his eyes never left me; not for a second. I felt effectively paralyzed by them.   
His eyes sent shivers up my spine and I wanted to shake it off… but I couldn’t move. 

The dull sound of his voice was as eerie as his mere presence. 

“She’s as domesticated as they come” Miss A. chuckled wholeheartedly. 

“Mira, please kneel for me sweetie” she instructed me, giving me an apologetic smile. 

“Yes Miss A.” I replied and did as told; managing to in a somewhat smooth move slide onto the floor; onto my knees. 

And there I sat; my head bowed.   
The man was still staring, not moving a muscle. 

“Can you meow for mammy too?” … ugh that word… why? Why did she always have to use it… It was cruelty. 

I responded with a soft meow. 

“And Mira knows what happens if she disobeys” she walked over to me and carelessly lifted my arms; I allowed her move me like a limb doll.   
She was showing him my restraints.  
“Don’t you Mira?”

“Meow!” 

I was trying to figure out her game. She wanted me to play cat now? 

“I found this stray about a week ago and she’s already well trained. Aren’t you sweetie?” Miss A. let go of my arms that fell dumbly into my lap.   
She moved my hair behind my ear and scratched carefully behind my ear with her red nails, caressing me. 

I leaned into her hand and purred instinctively. 

She gave me a wink, letting me know I was doing good, nailing the brief in fact. 

“Good girl” Miss A. beamed at me and went back to her seat, straightening her posture. 

I stayed as I was, having had no further instructions. 

The position hurt my knees and my shoulder.  
I tried my best to zone out, to endure the pain that was building in my body. 

I could not disobey. Not now… 

I understood that it was very important for her to show him her abilities as dominatrix and how well she had me trained. 

A perfect product sample…

She in fact had me domesticated, had she not?   
I knew at what cost disobeying her came; and it wasn’t worth it…

I couldn’t focus fully on their conversation no matter how much I wanted to, but I did quickly find out they were discussing some people he had codenamed The Virgin and The Iceman. 

The pain kept creeping in and taking over my senses…

My mind was starting to hallucinate slightly and I imagined a young innocent girl with a man made out of ice.  
I saw them in various obscene and disturbing scenarios; melting together in my head.

“Can you get The Virgin to obey as well as your little pet there?” I came back to the room, taking a deep breath; the pain giving me a break.

“Oh I think I know how to play my cards on him; I’ll turn his pretty little curly head. Trust me” she chuckled and leaned forward; touching his hand tenderly. 

“Hmm?” he didn’t seem convinced. 

I saw her fondle a photograph in her other hand; her thumb caressing the image on it. It was too far away for me to make out who or what was pictured on it.

“I know just what he needs” there was something dark in her laugh. 

He nodded and rose to his feet. He left the room the long way round… passing by me; trailing a clammy finger over my cheek.   
I chewed the inside of my cheek; shivering hard and now I really wanted to run.

He slithered out of the room, the door closing behind him.


	24. What We Need

“You can get up now” She told me, but it sounded so far away to me I could barely hear it. I couldn’t make my muscles cooperate.

“Mira?” her neck snapped around and she looked straight at me; reacting to the silence that came from me.

I was shivering hard; my hands balling into fists.

She walked over to me and helped me to my feet; looking carefully at me. I gave her my bravest smile… what the hell was going on with me? Why had he made me feel so sick?   
I was yelling at myself internally to get it together; snap out of it!!

“You did good” Miss A. wrapped her arms around me. I could not hold back my sniffle.

“I think I need to handle this…” she looked into my eyes; holding me at an arms-length. Her eyes hinting at what I already knew. 

I nodded. It was the only thing that could take my mind off of the feelings that were bubbling under my skin.

“Come” she whispered and she led me on…

 

…

 

I was in the room I had only seen on the screens; the room with the crosses, poles and what not.   
I was taking it all in and I did feel how my mouth fell open despite the numbness that had filled my veins.

It was a whole other thing actually being in there… the ‘furniture’ and the tables and racks of implements…   
The smell even; a mix of scented oils and disinfectant.

“One day I’m going to give you a proper tour” she interrupted my staring at the table of weird and medieval looking torture devices. I recognized the male chastity belt; a sort of cage to hold his erection down… that could not be nice!

She was behind me unzipping the dress slowly and helped me out of it; I wasn’t moving a muscle still and I couldn’t speak yet.   
She pulled my panties down too and there I stood… the dress and undergarments pooling at my feet.

“Step” she instructed me and I stumbled out of the clothes. She then stripped me off the heels and put my clothes away safely; folded neatly.

“This is not a punishment, I hope you understand that” she fondled my cheek.   
“You were a very good girl today” she gave the nipple clamps I was still wearing a gentle flick. 

“Try to remember our talk earlier about crying out”.

She took hold of the plastic strips and attached it to a hook hanging from the ceiling.

“This isn’t going to be pleasant on your shoulder. Remember to use your safe word, please. Sweetie? Promise me?” Her eyes were intense as she looked into mine.

“I promise” I was breathless. 

She flicked a switch by the wall that could well have been mistaken for a light switch and a mechanism was pulling the chain the hook was attached to towards the ceiling. She stopped it when my feet were halfway lifted from the floor. 

“Give me a number between one and 20” she walked back towards me; her heels sounded so loud again…   
How did she always manage to have that effect?

“15” I gasped. 

I was trying to adjust to the feeling of being hoisted up like that; the muscles and joints in my shoulders were complaining, throbbing dully.

I wasn’t sure why I picked that exact number; or what that number would have of consequences. It just sprang from my lips…

Would I regret it? 

She walked past me towards the table of implements. She pondered visibly. Teasing me… running her delicate fingers over certain objects; fondling them and then changing her mind. 

I was craning my neck to see what I had in store.

She finally grabbed an implement, a staff with several long strands of leather; knotted at the end.   
A sort of whip I suppose. 

“This is a flogger” She held it up for me to see. Fanning out the strands.

“I will give you 15 lashes, and then we rest” she smiled at me and I chewed my lip. Nodding… agreeing. 

“A flogger can be used softly…” she walked over to me and gently let the leather touch my skin; running from my chest down and I shuddered.

It was a delicate feeling; my skin was sensitive already. I was alert to the coming ‘assault’ and the gentle move was… chilling. 

My body bucked and I lost my balance and had to try to regain control of my position.

“But that’s not what we need today, is it?” she looked into my eyes and I shook my head. My voice was gone.

“I need you to count for me, can you do that sweetie?”

Her face changed. She turned into the dominatrix. The cruel woman…   
Not long after she held out her arm and got strength behind the first actual hit.


	25. Building

“One” I gasped. Surprised.

The new feeling she exposed me to was sending shivers through my entire body from the roots of my hair to my toes. 

The next followed shortly after.

It felt like tiny yet sharp and hot bolts of lightning rushing through my system from every point on my skin the leather touched.

The hits were fast, sharp and hard; concentrating on my stomach.   
She was very focussed on her task, clinical even in her approach with me.

She barely offered me time to groan the number we had reached before the next one came; she picked up pace but it was controlled. 

The 15th was across my chest; agitating the nipple clamps as well and it made my body buck at the sudden rush. 

The mix of sensations was overwhelming… it was almost too much.   
My nipples were sore from the clamps having been attached for so long and it made them so sensitive.

It was arousing… 

“Fifteen!” I finally moaned a good minute after. 

I struggled to find myself… my head was spinning.

It was an amazing feeling… it did not feel like pain at all. It was a high… a high that pulsed and throbbed through me and I was flying.

“Good girl” she winked at me. 

Her face was still maintaining the dominatrix façade. The ice cold exterior…   
The woman who had the power to do anything to me; and I wanted her to. 

She put the flogger back exactly where she found it. Keeping a meticulous order; the only chaos in here happened right under the top layer of my skin and right through to my very core.

I gasped for my breath; tried desperately to make my body stay still while she pondered on her next choice of implement. 

My skin was crawling.   
It felt like it was on fire in one split second and the next it felt cold, only for the burning to return.

It was a wash of chemicals straight to my brain. And yes, I was addicted. I was hooked. 

“Give me another number, sweetie” she still had her back to me trying to pick her ‘weapon’.

“17” I felt brave… I needed it. I was craving it. I had no idea what was coming, but I wanted more. 

“Such a good masochist you are” She smirked, chuckling to herself.

For the 17 lashes, her choice fell on an old friend. 

I licked my lips as she turned around and I saw it firmly attached to her hand. 

My hands balled and I stretched uncomfortably. 

I don’t think I was scared; I knew very well how she hurt me last time she used the riding crop on me… but right at this moment I just wanted to fly again… I wanted to soar. 

I was forced to put my full trust in her; to submit to my needs.

I wanted to be like the man I had watched on the cross; the very cross I was looking at. 

She walked over to the switch and lowered the chain just a little; for a second I thought she was taking me out of the position. I wasn’t ready yet… 

“Spread your legs wide” I could barely recognise her voice. 

She had changed a bit since we entered this room… the room had dressed her in a slightly different mask. This was the truly professional dominatrix; Mistress A.

I stepped apart as far as I could and still maintain a bit of balance… 

“Don’t close them, fight it” she stood in front of me and assessed my positon.   
“Hmm” her teeth bit into her red lip; she wasn’t too pleased I could tell from the look on her pale face.  
She wasn’t even blushing.

She put the riding crop between my legs and just for a second allowed me to feel it slide teasingly over my sex. 

“Wider” she swatted my thighs lightly and I stepped further apart; losing my precious balance.   
“Perfect. Don’t forget to count now!”.

I was glaring at her, trying to prepare myself for this, mentally more than physically…

Fear was starting to take hold of me; I felt the pure adrenaline surge through me.   
I could remember how the last time had felt like an actual attack. 

“Don’t hold anything back” was the last thing she told me before she started.

The first actual hit of the crop was right on my moist; and due to the position she had moved me into; open sex. 

“Ah! One!” It was a shocked, high pitch that came from my throat. The muscles in my thighs were cramping… wanting to close instinctively.

The second was on my vulva. My thighs strained even more. I wanted to buck… I wanted to move. 

“T-two” I felt how my sex was going into a small but heavenly spasm… 

The small but forceful hits travelled up the front of my body in a straight line to between my breasts. Two hits were issued to each breast. First on the skin on them and then right on the nipple clamp. 

The shrill tone and the breathlessness of my counting gave me away but this time she wasn’t punishing me for my reactions. She just continued her task at hand. Me.

She let me wait for the 17th… allowed me time to ponder where it would fall next… where I wanted it to. Just the simple thought process added to the intense high I was feeling. 

My mind had been lost; my insides were cramping and I felt how my clit was throbbing for attention. 

“Do you want me to make you come?”. This was when she made me realize what this high actually was… an orgasm building. 

The crop swatted my clit hard and I jumped.

“Please, Miss A. Please!” I cried to her; my body moved out of control.

“You’re not done counting…” she was cold. So cruelly cold. 

“seventeen!!” I whimpered.

What had she done to me? How did she…


	26. Crack of the Whip

It was a desperate need, a pressure from within she had started.

I was so close to breaking but I needed more, just a little more… I needed something and only she could do it to me.

My eyes were wet as I looked at her. 

She just stood still; putting a finger on her lip… prolonging my actual agony. She let me know with her actions she was pondering again…

Oh fuck…

“Are you sure you want to come?” Miss A. winked at me. The smile on her lips pissed me off.

She had full control of me. And I must say she exercised it with precision. 

I was writhing, trembling and quaking… of course I wanted it! I needed it in fact… I was worried what would happen to me if I didn’t get my release.   
Could something physically rupture in me?

How long could she drag this out?

“If I make you come…” she slowly went to put the riding crop away and grabbed a long stick with a ball on the other end from the metal table of implements.  
She turned it on and it started vibrating heavily and loudly; just hearing the whirring of the device sent heavenly shivers through my spine and made my soaked sex cramp tighter.

My teeth dug hard into my lip… she was taking far too long. 

If only I could do something about this myself… but my hands were tied. 

“As soon as you come I’ll use my whip on you” she grabbed a ‘real’ whip from the rack.   
It looked exactly as I suspected a whip would look like… long, leather and black. 

Holy hot hell. It was a bull whip… 

It was bound to leave welts at best… most likely it would cut me open!   
This wasn’t good. 

An internal argument followed… I wanted to stop. This couldn’t happen… I was scared straight by the thought of being whipped. 

‘Pink, pink, pink, pink…’ I was sobbing inside my own head. I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t want this.   
No matter how much pleasure she was offering and how I needed the release… it had to end here.

“Do you consent?” she walked back towards me, closer… closer… the end of the leather whip was sliding across the floor as she had unbound it while I was pleading with myself.

One well-manicured hand was holding onto pure pleasure, the other one holding pure pain.   
I wasn’t allowed one without the other… 

“Yes. Please, Miss A.” The desperation between my legs took charge of my consciousness and logic.

Fuck. 

She held me still with the same hand that was holding the butt of the whip as she pressed the whirring vibrator to my clit giving me just that push over the edge I needed.

Again it was a clinical approach to me… stone cold professional. 

I was crying out in intense pleasure as my entire body seemed to orgasm. 

I was writhing and tripping. My back arched and it made me swing from my restraints and she kept the amazing thing tightly pressed to my incredibly sensitive clit; her grip only tightening to keep me still as I lost control. It was warm and amazing waves that hit me from deep inside… every little hair was standing on my body.

I was high on the pleasure. I forgot about everything else… the waves even continued as she removed the device. 

It was a motion that just kept on giving…

“AAAAAAARGH!” I screamed as the whip cracked on my back. 

I was brought back to consciousness with an intense bolt of lightning.   
I felt the skin on my back raise and throb angrily immediately. 

My hands were tearing at the strips. 

My body panicked and I hissed, trying to absorb the pain but all it did was making me tremble. My teeth chattered loudly. 

My body had been shocked.

I wailed desperately as the whip licked me a second time. This time just as forcefully. It felt as if it carved the skin right off of my bones. 

My eyes closed tightly; I was about to pass out… this was too intense for me. 

Even for me. 

“Good girl” Miss A. cooed.   
It was distant to me even if I knew logically she was still in the room with me.   
“You did so good”.

She lowered the hook but I couldn’t gain control of my own feet so the lower the hook came I sank to the floor until I was kneeling. 

I was twitching; the white hot pain just kept springing from where that devilish weapon had stricken me. 

Where I had consented to allowing her to hurt me… Where I went against myself. 

“Don’t move” She whispered to me. 

Move? Nothing from my brain registered in my muscles. I felt paralyzed. Not a single movement was conscious.

“I need to check the damage” she ran her hand lovingly over my jaw. My teeth were still chattering violently.   
“I barely broke the skin. We’ll need to get some ice on it quickly though” She still seemed so business like. 

And that hurt even more in a way. 

She removed the nipple clamps; I could barely feel them anymore. The only thing I could feel was the welts on my back. 

 

…

 

It was all hazy but I intermittently registered her taking me to the bathroom and carefully and tenderly scrubbed me down and then her taking me to bed, putting ice packs on my back…

Before she left she moved my hair out of my face and leaned down and kissed my cheek. 

“Rest now, sweetie” she whispered “You did good.”


	27. Flame

I fell asleep quickly. My body just gave in I suppose… The poor thing had been through enough that day already.

I was that weak.

The feverish dreams that followed that night were so full of fire; an all-consuming fire that just continued to lick up and down my body and boil my skin.

I was desperately searching for something to soothe it… something to quench but I only found more flame everywhere I looked and I panicked. 

When I finally found a bucket of water to pour on myself it had no effect… it only made the fire burn crueller. 

The fire was unquenchable. 

Relentless.

 

…

 

But the fire was still there when I woke up. It came from my back and my wrists and only got worse when I tried to move.

I wanted to get up and on my feet but every move ignited my back once more and I could not hold back the painful and pitiful whimpers. 

I was shivering and once again my teeth started chattering out of control. 

This had to end. This was not a good pain… 

It was not fair.

I didn’t like the mask she donned in that room either, I think that was what was wrong; more than the obvious state of my body. 

She had been so clinical. I knew I was hired to work for her; and her cracking the whip had been me performing my duties… but this wasn’t worth all the money in the world.

Because, honestly? Lately I had come to realize I wasn’t there for the cash or the roof over my head. 

But I wasn’t there to be whipped either…

Miss A. had been clear about yesterday not being a punishment; I think she meant it as a treat for me.   
But it felt like punishment. 

She was still angry about my self-harming and I felt that being at the end of the bull whip. 

I realized I was leaving. As soon as I could get on my feet I would announce to her that I wanted to quit. This was over. 

‘But you didn’t say no’. 

That stupid voice was back snarling at the back of my mind. It was right though… I even begged for it. I had been so hot and horny that I didn’t care for the consequences. I just wanted my release.

I had asked for it. Literally. 

I was in way over my head. 

I just wanted to go back to what I knew. Back to who I knew… 

I know the life on the streets was far from ideal and potentially hazardous too, for a young girl like myself.   
I knew that from the scars that no one saw; the ones on my soul and the stupid nightmares.

Only… right at that moment I would rather take that. 

 

…

 

I jumped as the door clicked opened; wanting to run for cover. I had always been so jumpy; but this morning it felt worse.

My body wasn’t cooperating with me however, much to my dismal.   
I was stuck there; with her.

She sat on the bed and I felt the weight shift gently. 

She sat on the same side that she had when she spanked my poor behind and I was immediately struck with fear that she would repeat it. 

I had not only broken her trust… 

“I know you’re awake” she whispered. “I just want you to know how proud I am at how you handled yesterday. I have needed to test that whip for a long time” she aimlessly played with my hair. 

I turned my face to be able to look to her but I had no clue how to respond. 

“Deep breath sweetie and close your mouth. I don’t want you to destroy your tongue or lip…” she instructed me. Despite my reluctance I followed her advice. 

I screamed inside my shut mouth; burrowing my head in the pillow while she as careful as she could tended to my welts.

The fire was back, starting with a white hot explosion set off by the touch of her fingers. 

“You’re such a brave soul” 

I could barely hear her. The blood was rushing through my body so fast that I could hear the throbbing in my ears.


	28. Infected

Her words stole away my courage; so expertly. 

She reduced me to a child… her condescending ways never ended even if she dressed her words in what seemed like it could have been genuine caring. 

But I had a feeling I knew better.

I was just not strong enough to walk away, was I? 

She would talk me out of it… She would make me need her; make me depend on her. I would always come crawling back for more.

She grabbed my hand the moment I started whimpering again. 

My hands were above my head; still joined with the strips. 

Her fingers twined with mine… she was trying her best to comfort me.

My whimpers weren’t from the overwhelming pain though… it was the defeat that caused the sounds of weakness to come from my throat.

The defeat of knowing I didn’t have a choice… 

She called me strong but in truth I was as weak as a new born baby in her presence. 

Depending on her guidance.

“Oh no” she whispered under her breath but this time I heard her clearly.   
She dropped my hand back to the pillow as if it was a hot potato.

“Please don’t move… I’ll come back” there was a hint of an odd shiver in her voice. 

And lie still I did… what choice had she given me anyway? 

She left me alone with my own thoughts and fears. 

‘oh no’. What did that mean, what was wrong? Why did she sound worried?  
What was so bad that it caused an uttering like that; from her? 

Was it something I had done wrong?

 

…

 

When Miss A. came back she was holding a scissor, a towel and a first aid kit.   
She placed both on the bed and sat herself down. 

“Why didn’t you tell me your wrist became infected? It must hurt” she let her fingers trail over the hand of my hurt arm.   
“You’re burning up”

She was gentle and sweet with me now. Ugh…

I had indeed noticed the warmth and the pain; but it was part of why I did what I did to myself.   
It was never just about the initial ‘hit’… it was the long term effects as well. 

Self-destruction at its finest… and darkest.

So no, I hadn’t exactly thought of mentioning it. 

She cut the strip ties open with the scissors but the freedom didn’t feel at all sweet.   
Mostly because it wasn’t freedom… 

She placed the towel under my wrist and quickly started unwrapping my wrist and my eyes closed… I couldn’t bear to see the look on her face. 

“Mira I’ll call a doctor to come and have a look at you” she let me know as carefully as she could.   
I could hear the disgust in her voice at the sight.

I shook my head; no. no… Please, no.

Why was I so scared? 

I didn’t want a professional to see what I had done… they would take me away. They would lock me up and take away any chance of me finding that calm when I needed it… I needed my outlet, I needed something to take away the chaos… I needed it… I needed…

“Hey it’s okay” she saw the panic in me and brushed her hand over my face. “He’s discrete. He doesn’t ask questions”. 

“No” I finally mastered my voice; it was a fragmented sound though. 

“This is not up for discussion” the cold returned to her, slowly frosting her. Once again I had no say…

“Please” I started crying; the panic got the better of me. 

“Mira, your wound needs to be taken care of. As long as you’re under my roof I will have you healthy”. Her voice was so devoid of emotion. She was giving me orders… orders about my personal health. 

“He’ll take me away” my vocal chords finally mustered a somewhat coherent, if broken, sentence. 

“Trust me he won’t. He’ll tend to the wound and leave. I will be here the whole time. I won’t let him take you” her cool hand was waving away the tears that fell from my eyes. 

“You promise?” I opened my eyes and looked into her. I had to know if she actually meant what she said next… 

“I promise” her lips curled into a kind smile as she realized my eyes were opened again. 

“He really doesn’t ask questions… I’ve had to use him in the past” She continued to make her promises to keep me calm.

How many times had her clients ended up needing medical assistance?   
And for what?

Did I even want to know that?


	29. An Honest Doctor

Miss A. whipped out her phone and quickly dialled and called her discrete doctor. 

She refused to leave my side… perhaps she was afraid I would run. 

Oh if only I could…

She called Kate too and told her to escort the doctor to the room when he arrived.

Carefully she covered the lower half of my body with the covers and we waited for the doctor to come in silence…

I wished he would never come… it would be a humiliating experience and I wasn’t ready for that…   
I knew what I did to myself was wrong. 

Waiting seemed to take forever…

 

…

 

But come he did, the good doctor. 

I refused to turn my head to look towards the door… I just wanted it to be over; preferably even before it started. 

“Doctor” Miss A. greeted him curtly and quickly scrambled to her feet.

“That’s the patient, I assume?” by his voice he sounded like an older man and his footsteps approached me slowly. 

Miss A. nodded.

“Let’s have a look at the damage then, love” he was standing by the bed; I had still not moved my head to look at him… most of all I wanted to pretend this wasn’t happening. 

I didn’t want to remember his face.

I heard the sound of latex gloves and scrambling of instruments. 

“I’ll have to take your temperature” he spoke as he stuck a thermometer in my mouth. “Close your mouth around it” he instructed.

His hand then grabbed my healthy wrist tenderly.

“Are both wrists damaged?” he spoke to Miss A. 

“No… that wrist is perfectly fine…” she replied dryly. “It was a precaution.”

I watched her; standing in the corner of the room and keeping her distance… letting him do his work.   
She seemed a bit on edge though. 

Not too comforting… I guess I did prefer her to be in charge. 

“I need to take your pulse, dear” he turned his attention back to me and unravelled the bandages. He pressed his fingers into my wrist.

“Try to relax, I’m not here to hurt you” he let me know. I kept my eyes on her… oh how I hoped she would keep her promise.

“Be a good girl and trust him, please… sweetie” she cooed. 

And I did try… I inhaled deeply and relaxed.

“Much better” the doctor mused and let go of my wrist again. 

I frowned because now he was probing the sides of the wound.   
Gosh… that stung. 

“I need to clean this… it won’t be the most pleasant experience” he let me know and scrambled his instruments once more… 

Oh lovely… an honest doctor. 

The thermometer in my mouth beeped and he withdrew it.

I drew a deep breath finally free of the foreign object. 

“You’re lucky, there is no signs of sepsis yet… that’ll save you a hospital stay” 

Sepsis? A hospital stay? Fuck…

My eyes were so wide and Miss A. noticed the horror in my eyes. She gave me a reassuring wink… it did little to dampen the chaos in my head. 

“Okay, now this might sting a little…” the doctor set out to clean my wound with what felt like pure acid and he wasn’t holding back.

Hot tears ran down my cheeks as I screamed without making a sound. It was too much.   
Way above my threshold for pain. 

“Look at me” Miss A.’s hard voice demanded attention through the haze. 

I forced my eyes open and tried to look at her… my toes dug into the bed and I was writhing.

“Don’t move, let him do his job” Her piercing blue eyes held mine in an iron grip. 

I worked hard on actually lying still… I tried to shut out the pain… to focus on her and let my head and body disconnect. 

“Nearly done now” the doctor let me know… but the hot pain just continued… even long after he re-dressed me. “I’m afraid the damaged area is too large to be stitched… be sure to keep it clean”

“Could you look at her back too?” Miss A.’s voice was dry. I could hear the doctor was packing up already… ready to leave I hoped. 

“That’s a nasty welt, but it will heal… keep it cool until it’s bearable for her” apparently a look was all it took for him. 

Thank goodness. 

“And the wrist needs some rest” his voice suddenly sounded like a warning. Miss A. nodded; biting into her lip.

“Call me if the infection resumes” he was leaving and I saw her run after him. 

“A word, in private, please?” She asked of him and the door closed behind them…

Leaving me to wonder what they would be discussing… me, probably.


	30. A Bitter Pill

The silence got loud as I waited. 

I think I was trying, or at least hoping to hear their conversation but there was no way. I was dying to know what the topic was.

It had to be about me, right? 

My mental state? 

That was the thought that sent shivers down my spine.  
I know I wasn’t okay… no normal person would do the things I did to myself.

I felt nauseous and began chewing on my lip.

Why was I so messed up?

 

…

 

I nearly bit my lip hard enough to draw blood when the door finally opened and the white clad Miss A. returned to my bedside. 

She placed a glass of water on the bedside and put a cool cloth on my back. I sighed at the sensation. 

“The doctor was kind enough to give me some pain relief for you” her hand was caressing higher up on my back, between my shoulder blades.

I looked at her dumbly.

I was trying for the life of me to figure out a good way to explain my stand against pain medication.   
I just knew she wouldn’t respect it. 

I was under her thumb.

“I don’t take pain medication” I tried, carefully. 

“It would be good for you. There’s good pain and bad pain… and this time I think you need a break” her hand was running in soft circles and it made my skin tingle under her touch. 

“I can’t…” my voice was low and barely audible. 

“Of course you can, sweetie” she gave me her sweetest smile, her hand continuing the motion. 

“I was addicted…” I could feel the pressure of the tears that threatened to start falling soon.   
Oh the shame of having to admit this. It was such a dark and lonely time in my life. 

“I went cold turkey on my own… I haven’t even had an Aspirin since” I admitted to her. I found it hard to look her in the eye. 

“Oh sweetie” there was a real sorrow in those blue eyes. “How old were you?” she wondered. 

I felt the change of pace in her caress. 

This had actually hurt her. 

“16” was my clipped response. 

All sorts of images of that time flashed before me and it made my eyes squint. 

“And you got out all on your own?” her hand had stopped moving now, and just lay idle on my naked skin. 

My response was a nod. 

So many emotions bubbled to the surface from the bottom where they had been left to ferment for years and years. 

“You are such a strong girl” she leaned in and kissed my forehead.

She kept using that word about me; but it felt so alien. I was not strong… I had never been. 

“But please take the pill” she drew a deep breath and grabbed the pill that she had placed next to the water. She held it in her open hand for me to take. 

I didn’t react however. 

“No thank you” I sighed, trying my best to be polite. 

“Take it, or I will feed it to you like a dog” she barely raised her voice but the warning was very, very clear. 

Silence was all she got from me. I just couldn’t break the promise I made to myself…

I could still feel the throbbing headaches, the cold sweats and the shivering seizures from the withdrawals. 

Never again. Never again. That was the promise I had made to myself. 

“I’m sorry” she spoke under her breath. 

Miss A. managed to make me sit up on the bed. And there she was again; the dominatrix.

She grabbed my hair and tilted my head backwards forcefully and put the pill at the back of my mouth, then she put the glass to my lips and added water. 

I was just too shocked by the sudden harshness that I couldn’t fight. 

“Swallow“ She demanded. Pulling my hair a bit more and effectively tilting my head further backwards. My eyes were watering and I felt absolutely sick. 

But swallow I did. 

“Open, wide” she instructed me and examined my mouth “Tongue out” and I poked my tongue out at her… the pill was on its way into my system. 

The shame of this moment burned. 

That distrust…


	31. Self-Implemented

After my ordeal was over she gently helped me to lie down again and reapplied the cold cloth.   
She took care not to apply too much pressure.

“Get some rest, sweetie” she ran her fingers through my hair. 

I shuddered at her touch…   
Most of all I wanted to have the strength tell her to leave me the hell alone right now. Her touch felt so alien. 

I was not okay.

This was not okay. Anything but this… 

The weakness was overpowering me once more. 

That sadness and that lost feeling was overwhelming me; like a big scary monster that was eating me up from the inside out. 

The monster gnawing on the sorry remains of my confidence. 

What it left behind was a painful and massive cold knot in the very pit of my stomach and I just wanted to sob myself back to sleep in the hope that when I woke none of this would have actually happened. 

Or at least hope it could dislodge the lump of ice. Not even the fire that was still smouldering from by back could melt it. 

It had to be a nightmare. A twisted one at that.

“Do you want me to turn the TV on for you before I leave? I’ve got some matters to attend to today…” she slid back to her feet gracefully. 

She was always poised no matter what. Oh I envied her.

She switched her moods so expertly; there was no transition period between strict and mean, and her being sweet and showing concern. 

I couldn’t keep up with her. 

“Thank you” I choked on my gratitude. 

The nausea couldn’t leave me either. 

“Kate left a sandwich for you in the fridge, I could be busy for a while.” She informed me before she turned the TV on; even finding the science channel for me… 

How very observant of her. 

She closed the door behind her as she left. 

 

…

 

I knew there were cameras watching my every move; but the second I was alone I began wailing into the pillow. 

The tears wouldn’t stop once again… once I finally let myself be overtaken by them there was no stopping it.

The tears were a powerful force of their own.

My fingernails dug into the pillow as I whimpered like the dog she had treated me as earlier.   
I was trying to hold onto something at least. 

The pillow became my life ring keeping me from sinking to the gross old bottom. 

The desperate days came back to me… the sick thoughts and knowing just how messed up I had been.   
It all flooded in like dark water through every crack and crevasse. 

A memory flashed before me, one of those from the very bottom of the salty lake I was trying not to drown in. 

I saw myself sitting there; pale and dressed in black; right in the middle of one of my worst nightmares… a math lesson. 

For every wrong answer I gave the teacher I swallowed a pill… not even helping them along with water. They burned my throat and I struggled not to cough. 

The teacher must have thought I was simply eating innocent candy. 

It was a self-implemented punishment. 

And I didn’t care if I lived or died… I was punishing myself for being stupid.   
Punishing myself for feeling stupid, rather. 

It was a desperate attempt at relieving that painful pressure that always seemed to be inside of me… I felt like I weighed a ton. 

This was why I was staying with Miss A. This was why I held back on my safe words…

She was my punishment for my stupidity.   
I needed to be set straight. The newly wrapped bandage I was sobbing into was a good proof that I still needed to be controlled. 

The revelation stopped the tears somehow… 

I just lay there… tried to listen to the program on the TV. I was facing away from the screen but it was enough for me to listen to it. My mind caught a break as it was trying to put pictures to the words

It eventually lulled me to sleep.

 

…

 

When I woke again I found the strength to get on my feet.   
I was restless.   
On the dresser I found a dress and I held it up.  
It was a loose dress and I slipped it on before I went for a walkabout in her home… 

I needed to stretch my legs, I didn’t exactly have a heading. I walked slowly; perhaps I had better stay in bed.

I heard the whack of what I assumed was her riding crop when I passed her bedroom and stopped dead in my tracks. 

“Have you been wicked your highness?” Miss A.’s voice came clear through the door and sounded like a whip all on its own. 

“Yes Miss Adler” a female voice replied… Kate? No, this was someone else…

I blinked. In my head I had assumed her clients were all male.

What was that? Jealousy?


	32. Louder Than Words

I felt ashamed of eavesdropping; but I physically couldn’t move my feet. 

My cheeks were burning red hot with embarrassment. 

The more I heard of what went on in that bedroom the more I wanted to leave… but my feet just didn’t listen to my own voice of reason. 

I could barely breathe and the lack of oxygen made my chest burn; I was that afraid of getting caught red-handed… 

From the rude sounds that made it through the closed wooden door I felt I was listening to a very private moment between two people… 

A moment I would rather not know about. In this case ignorance would have been bliss… but I wasn’t so lucky.

When my feet finally started to cooperate with me, albeit reluctant; the floorboards under them made the tiniest creaking noise and my mouth fell open, startled. 

Would they have heard that? 

‘Please, please don’t hear… ’ I begged frantically inside my own mind. My eyes wide.

My poor heart was in my throat racing at a hundred miles per hour… only adding to the panic and nausea that was creeping up on me and enveloping me like a lead blanket. 

I could feel the heavy thumping; the beating against my chest making me wonder if my heart could really beat itself right out of my chest. 

Finally having regained an inch of control over my own body I decided to tiptoe my way towards the kitchen.

I was far from being hungry but I wanted to support the story I had quickly fabricated just in case I did get caught… 

I was simply on my way to the kitchen… even if her room wasn’t on the straight way to the kitchen from my room… 

No, I hadn’t thought it through. 

But it was all my panicking mind could muster and I had to settle for it. 

 

…

 

Entering the kitchen I found Kate chewing the nail on her thumb. 

The second she saw me she jumped, trying to pretend the moment had never occurred. 

“Can I help you?” her voice was in a higher pitch than usual. She was clearly a bit out of it. 

She was padding down her clothes and straightening herself up; obviously trying to keep up appearances in front of me. 

“I was just going to get something to eat…” I gave her a polite smile. I was remembering my frantic choice of alibi. 

She practically jumped towards the fridge and found the sandwich for me; handing me the plate. 

Her hands were shaking slightly.

“Are you okay?” I took the plate from her and put it on the kitchen counter; realizing now my hands were shaking too. 

She looked at me; seeming shocked at the audacity for me to ask her such a question.

“I’m all right” Her answer was a bit too quick. 

I gave her a kind apologetic smile. 

“It looks delicious” I hinted towards the plate; trying to help her change the subject a bit… I had clearly overstepped my mark. 

She shrugged her shoulders, giving me a wry smile. 

Suddenly something dawned on me and it made my insides tie themselves into another painful knot… my body was good at that lately.

“Aren’t you usually in the commando room when she’s with clients?” I gasped.   
The words just fell out of my mouth.

She heaved a sigh and looked away. 

“That’s the usual procedure yes, but this is a special client…” there was a sorrow and annoyance in her voice. 

The redhead went pink. 

She reached for a cup of tea she had left on the counter and took a long sip; steadying herself… It seemed to have the same effect on her as it would for someone who smoked a cigarette to calm their nerves. 

She leaned against the counter and looked me over. 

“That’s one of her favourites” she pointed the hand holding her precious tea at me. I gathered she meant the dress. 

“It’s a beautiful dress” I looked down at myself. 

“Are you okay?” her voice was a bit chilly still… “I mean… should you be on your feet?” 

“I think so… ” I replied. 

“She likes you” She was working hard to strangle the contempt in her voice but I heard it. She could barely look at me now. 

I just blinked. 

“I’m just her employee…” I tried to explain myself; I couldn’t catch any good words to explain myself or attempt to calm her. 

“As am I” She turned around and started washing the dishes demonstratively. 

Out of habit I grabbed a towel and started drying off the dishes. I was raised to be helpful when I could… 

“It must be difficult” I whispered carefully. 

She slammed a cup onto the table; almost breaking it. 

Actions speaking louder than words.


	33. Hard to Swallow

I finished helping her with drying the dishes in complete and uncomfortable silence and decided I was better off getting out of her way. 

She clearly didn’t want me around. 

I took my sandwich into the dining room and found my favourite spot. 

I watched people’s everyday life pass me by outside as I attempted to eat the sandwich. Mostly out of a feeling of duty. 

Kate had done an amazing job; even if she didn’t like me she didn’t show it through her cooking. Thank goodness!

But the bread grew in my mouth; the more I chewed the harder it was to swallow… 

I was gagging on the food and most of all I wanted to spit it back onto the plate… 

I was overtaken by nausea.

I continued fighting; I could not show disrespect. 

If a bullwhip was considered a reward… what level of punishment had I reached? 

Fuck!

“Here” Kate’s voice made me jump and my stomach turned; making the task even more unbearable. 

She had placed a water bottle on the windowsill. 

“Try a sip” she let me know.

I looked at her in wonderment. Just a moment ago she hated my guts. 

I grabbed the bottle and took a gulp of the cold water; it did help the lump of food to feel a little less frightening. 

Finally I was able to swallow the bite. 

As soon as I was free of it I gasped for air and took another sip of the refreshing water. 

“Are you quite alright?” the redhead looked me over with wide eyes. 

“Sure” I produced a toothy smile despite the cold sweats. 

I grabbed the sandwich again

“You are a really good cook” I gestured towards my lunch, a heartfelt compliment. 

I took another bite to prove that I meant what I said; this time it was much smaller… I had learned my lesson!

What I had already swallowed was on its way up and I rushed into the kitchen.

I didn’t get further and had to bend over the sink as it all came back out of me the way it went down. 

Kate was right behind me and grabbed my long hair to hold it out of the way. 

“I’m not that good of a cook, huh” she joked as I dried my mouth before I retched again; spewing nothing but bile this time. 

“Sorry” my wet eyes looked at her for forgiveness.   
My fingers dug into the kitchen counter. 

I sank onto a chair feeling so weak. 

“I really am sorry” I let her know as she went to work on scrubbing down the entire kitchen; trying to clear it off of my bacteria. 

After her vigorous cleaning routine she fetched the water bottle for me and I gulped it down; willing to take anything just to water down that disgusting taste. 

“You should get back to bed… do you need a hand?” Her concern started to seem strained again. 

She could only handle me for so long…

“I’ll be okay, thank you” I let her know as I took my leave and went on my way back to my room.

There I removed the dress and left it neatly where I found It before crawling into bed and closed my eyes. 

What was wrong with me? Was I sick? 

 

…

 

I only realized I had fallen asleep when Miss A’s hand on my naked shoulder awoke me. 

“Kate told me you were sick earlier” her sweetest tune voiced her concern. I looked up at her and wiped my face trying to fully regain consciousness. 

“I’m fine” I gave her my standard answer way before I could even feel if I was or not. 

Looking at her I felt a burning need to ask her who the woman in her bedroom had been. 

I knew it was far from being any of my business… but that jealousy was there… 

I couldn’t just deny it. 

She was studying me carefully. 

I think she had learned by now that I had a hard time telling her the truth about my wellbeing… 

I was studying her too… 

She was in a long almost see-through black robe with lace trimmings; making her body contours visible… 

This did not help that jealousy burning in me decrease.


	34. Brave Girl

Miss A. put her porcelain-like hand on my forehead to feel my temperature. I did feel warm against her cold skin…

“I’m fine” I repeated to her. 

My voice was nothing but a squeak; the sound of a small animal faced with a much bigger predator and had admitted defeat a long time ago.

What a bittersweet situation; to be addicted and dependant on someone I knew was so bad for me… She could crush me like a bug with just one look and yet, I needed more… 

I had to know where she could take me next. 

“Okay.” she got back on her feet; towering over me.

The predator now growing even larger than the prey…

“If you say so” there was a cold distance in her voice. “If you really are as fine as you say, you’re fine enough to assist me”.

It was more than a distance… it was a cold anger. Ice cold. 

“On your feet then, I need you clean for this” 

I followed her instructions just as a puppet on a string. 

I didn’t even second guess her intensions. 

 

…

 

In the bathroom she scrubbed me down as she had done so a couple of times by now and there was nothing new to this. 

I turned when asked to, spread when she wanted… 

… And had she asked me to jump off a cliff I probably had done that as well. 

It made sense to me that she wanted me clean for performing my duties… but I had no idea how clean she wanted me. 

“Put both of your hands on the side of the bathtub” it was still chilly, simple instructions coming from her blood red lips. 

There was no sweetness or care… 

No ‘Sweetie’ or ‘please’… 

I actually missed it now… especially because I knew why she skipped the sugar coating. She had lost her patience with me.

This was a test of my strength. And I decided I didn’t want to fail. 

My hands grabbed the porcelain making me bend over slightly. 

I heard the shaking of a liquid and looked over my shoulder to see what it was. 

Curiosity had always been one of my worse traits…

In her hand she held a large red rubber bulb with a nozzle attached.

Oh, I knew what that was. An enema bulb. 

I felt my insides tug and the nausea showing it’s ugly face once again… slowly creating dents in my armour of stubbornness. 

I had never tried an enema before and it did not exactly fit on my bucket list. But there was no backing out now. 

“Don’t move” her left hand rested on my lower back and her other put the end of the nozzle against my anal opening. 

Damn stubbornness! 

I was shivering… my sphincter muscle contracting… 

“Anal virgin are we?” she mused as she pushed it slowly into my body. 

I was watching her over my shoulder. My eyes open. 

I was speechless.

She read her answer on my face and her face lit up with an anoyingly knowing smile. 

“First enema too”. 

There was a strange sense of mischief in those blue eyes.

“I will squirt water into you, when I remove the bulb I need you to clench your sphincter and hold it until I tell you to let it go. Understood?” 

More of the cool instructions…

“Understood Miss A.”

I barely started to reply before she squeezed the rubber; pushing the water into my rectum. 

It felt strange… that’s my best word to describe having my rectum filled and expanded a bit with lukewarm water.   
Strange. 

“I’ll remove this… ” she started to retrieve the bulb from me.   
“Hold it, we don’t want you to soil yourself do we?” she was practically chuckling. 

She enjoyed humiliating me… 

Fuck…

I was squeezing as hard as I could. Wanting to hold it in… I needed to. I knew I couldn’t bear the humiliation if I failed in front of her.

“It might be a bit much for a first time, but you’re a brave girl aren’t you?”


	35. Broken Pride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I really want to say sorry for this long delay. 
> 
> Sometimes life isn't all that it's cracked up to be... 
> 
>  
> 
> I hope to return to a more steady posting schedule. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading!

Brave? Pffft! 

No, this was stupidity… a stupidity better known as pride and overconfidence…

I was far from deserving of being called ‘brave’. I deserved nothing from her…

 

My entire being was struggling. 

I was trying hard to keep the water inside my bottom; while my throat was closing in a reaction to my returning nausea. 

This was exactly what she wanted to achieve. 

She wanted to prove a point… but I couldn’t give in. 

I could not let her win… I couldn’t allow it!

The longer it went on the stronger my urge was. I found myself swaying and trying to calm my breath the best I could. 

She was disturbingly quiet. Observing me.

“Miss A…” my hands were kneading the cold porcelain in a feeble attempt to distract myself. 

“What’s the matter?” she mocked. 

Ugh. Her voice felt like a dagger piercing right into my stomach. 

“I need to go, please” the shame in my voice was clear as day. 

My body was failing me miserably; and no matter how headstrong I was, my physique just wasn’t following suit. 

And it broke me apart… 

I felt a bit of the water leak as she was contemplating whether or not to end my misery. 

It made me feel grossly dirty and that caused me to shiver… making the task of keeping that sphincter tightened even tougher. 

“Please!” I pleaded, forgetting all about pride… 

“I thought you were fine” 

… That spite in her voice! In my peculiar state I had no patience for that… it was too cruel for me. 

The strong urge I felt was actually painful. Just as painful as her words. My insides cramped and burned. 

“Please!” I whimpered desperately. 

“Please?” she questioned me. 

“I could spank you until it all ran down the back of your legs” she now stood right next to me, her hand laying idle on my clenched buttock. 

“I’m sorry!” I cried out, my back arching in another feeble attempt to hold onto an inch of dignity. 

This was so obviously a punishment…

“You never lie to me, and you never, ever, pretend with me” she leaned over to speak directly into my ear; ignoring my struggling. 

“I need to be able to trust you” she continued the scolding.

“I’m sorry” I repeated my apology, my eyes wet and my nose starting to sniffle. 

My insides were on fire…

“Understood?” her hand on my skin was taking a grip. Warning me. 

“Yes, Miss A.!” I wriggled like a worm, unable to stand still no matter how hard I tried. Any second now I would lose the battle. 

She took pity on me at last and helped me the few steps to the toilet and sat me down to finally; safely, let go of the liquid. 

“Next time it will be a proper enema” the ice was still there in her voice as she warned me of the consequences. 

I was shuddering. 

A proper enema? What in the world did that imply? 

Had this not been bad enough? 

She dragged me back on my feet and grabbed the sponge once more and scrubbed my backside and legs once more, this time a bit forcefully even.

“Back to bed with you” she heaved an annoyed sigh. 

She led me along like I was nothing more than a prisoner; naked and shivering… violated and robbed of my own basic rights to privacy. 

I wanted to sob and cry, I wanted to crawl into that bed and hide deep beneath the covers and never move again.

In those moments I hated her.


	36. Earth's Precious Oxygen

I felt as if she physically picked me up and threw me onto the bed and honestly she might just as well have done.

I felt limp, like a worn out dress someone could just discard after a long day…

I clawed at the sheets trying to wrap them around my naked form; wanting to hide myself for all of the world and especially that cruel bitch.

She kicked the bin over to my bed with her feet, clearly not wanting to touch it.

“Don’t you dare make a mess if you get sick again” she snapped.

I wasn’t responding, I was still preoccupied with trying to burry myself in the white sheets.

“See you” she patted my shoulder and I instantly tensed and shied away from her touch. Even a gentle touch felt painful.

“Don’t touch me!” I shrieked; surprising myself just as much as her.

“Fine!” she held her hands up in defence.

She was furious…

The loud slamming of the door underlined just how furious I had made her.

 

…

 

I managed to cover myself completely; something that took way too much effort. It completely exhausted me.

What I had left of strength was used up.

I cried silently and without tears but I never really stopped…

I was miserable and there was no rest for my mind.

That stupid voice at the back of my mind had a field day with this…

‘You brought this upon yourself’

A single teardrop fell from my eyes at that thought.

‘She was too kind on you’

No… please, no.

My knuckles turned white from clawing hard at the clean sheets…

Oh I would be happy to exchange them for Macy’s smelly jacket… Macy… oh Macy.

I felt my heart physically breaking when I remembered the look in her eyes when I found her in the ally.

_“Mira no, don’t tell me you went back to…”_

Macy’s worried voice rang so clear in my head.

_“You’re too good to sell yourself like that”_

She continued… my mind replaying the scene from the alley.

_“They broke you”_

“Shut up!” I cried to the empty room, covering my ears to block out that sad voice.

… what made it even worse was how right Macy had been.

My poor mind didn’t ease up on me though, it decided it was time to bring me completely to my already tried knees.

_“What? Don’t you like me…?”_

The man’s voice snarled in my ear, and at that I grew completely numb.

Why, why…

Why was this the time to remind me of that?

_“Don’t fight it”_

Hot tears ran down my frozen cheeks and all I could do was shiver.

_“Come on, moan for me”_

In my frozen state I somehow managed to reach for the bin just before my body caved in to the assault my mind had set in with.

I had lost yet another battle with my worst enemy… myself.

What was wrong with me?

I caught a glimpse of my bandaged wrist and the scars on my arm; a map over all the lost fights, all the weak moments…

Maybe it would be better if I wasn’t here, I thought… maybe it would be easier for everyone; not to mention myself if I wasn’t wasting the Earth’s precious oxygen...


	37. Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long unexpected hiatus! 
> 
> I had to undergo two dental surgeries to remove wisdom teeth and it came with complications. 
> 
> Thank you for your patience!

I caved in finally and fell into a deep and much needed sleep; visited by many forms and figures but I think even my subconscious was too exhausted to build up a proper storyline for a full-blown nightmare.

 

…

 

I woke up to a dimly lit room and wanted to sit up because I felt uneasy but found that I could not move. It was as if I had been paralyzed.

I heard my own breathing so loudly but that was when I realized the figure. A dark shadow was circling the bed, and the fear that struck me with made me halt my breath.

My own body restricted me. No ropes or chains needed… Not even strip-ties. 

I tried to scream for help but nothing happened.

The dark figure continued the ominous circles… around me… the mere presence torturing me.

My chest cramped as my heart was beating fast, too fast!

I slowly began to notice that the circles were too consistent to be natural and it dawned on me what this was… another sleep paralysis. 

The figure was nothing but a hallucination… 

With this knowledge I tried to calm myself. I forced myself to breathe slowly and suddenly it was over…

I sat up with a loud gasp and shook my head and rubbed my arms.   
It felt great to be able to feel myself… to move. 

To have control of myself…

I still felt the chills and knew I had to get out of the room. I knew full well that it was just a hallucination but it felt all too real…

I grabbed the white nightie on the dresser and slipped it on. 

My hands were shaking so terribly and I heard the door handle rattle as I opened the door… it was that bad. 

I bit my lip hard, I knew what I wanted… I wanted something that could make my nerves calm… I wanted a knife. 

In the darkened hallway I saw the door to her bedroom. I didn’t even know what time it was… but I remembered her warnings. 

I knocked the door softly; something deep within me hoped she was sleeping too soundly to hear me. 

“Yes?“ she opened the door a long minute later. 

My teeth sank deeper into my dry lip. 

Her dark hair was undone and hang unkempt over her shoulders and her body was only covered by a see-through black robe. 

I couldn’t mutter a single syllable. To be fair I had no idea why I knocked her door in the first place. 

“Mira, what is it?” her voice was slightly raspy from sleeping. 

“Mira?” she tilted her head and turned soft. 

A teardrop was trailing down my cheek.

She carefully closed the door behind her just as I caught a glimpse of Kate fast asleep.

“Come” she took my hand and when she felt how it was trembling she took a firmer grip and she took me to her special room; turning on the light and pushing me through the door before she locked it behind us. 

“Did you have a nightmare?” she talked more freely now, not having to lower her voice. 

I tried to reply but my lips were now trembling worse than my hands. 

“Look at me” she held my chin in her pale hand with a crushing grip. 

“Tell me what you need” her blue eyes bore themselves into mine.

Finally I managed to utter a broken sentence.

“Don’t… know…” I wailed. My throat was closing on me. 

“Pain or pleasure?” I recognized her face… the Dominatrix was back. 

“I don’t… deserve… pleasure” I heaved for air.

“Oh Mira, you do deserve pleasure” I felt her scrutinizing eyes trail down my body before they returned to my eyes. 

“- But pain it is then” her finger on the hand that still held my face in an iron grip caressed my jawbone and I found myself leaning into them. 

“First of all, I want to thank you for coming to me” There was a serenity in her voice.

I had been a good girl!

“Hurting yourself is not safe…” her hand moved to my neck but still held on tight to me; not giving me any doubt as to who was in control. 

“You stopped shaking” she whispered as she let go of me. 

“Step out of the nightie” She instructed and in a heartbeat I slid the silk over my shoulders. 

“I’ll need to have full control of you” she winked at me and walked over to the collection of ropes. There she picked out a bundle and a hook; weighing it all in her hands and looked me over seemingly measuring me. 

Minutes ago she had been asleep… and here she was; professionally preparing for another undoing of me.


	38. Hooked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I am sorry for the hiatus, I'm still having some issues with my health. Chest infections in July are no fun! 
> 
> Anyways, thank you for still sticking to the story! 
> 
>  
> 
> Do enjoy this

“No, this one might be a bit too big for you.” 

She was talking to herself; but I knew she intended me to hear her musings. 

She knew I would be wondering; and that was half the fun.

The end of the hook was adorned with a titanium ball that she slowly screwed off.   
Her long red nails caressed the metal and my body reacted as if she had touched me by remote control.

My lips strained.

“Much better.“ Her lips curled into a pleased smile as she picked out a smaller ball of the same material and secured it to the hook. 

I was frozen as I observed her prepare for my fate… my senses were peaking with curiosity. 

“It’s been a while since I’ve had to use these knots…” her eyes were trained on me as she stepped over to me. 

She measured me with her eyes, scrutinizing me.

“Turn.”

I held my breath, holding back a gasp as she stood right in front of me now and I could smell the sweet scent of her skin. 

I jumped and turned. Obedient. 

“Arms behind your back, Try to make your elbows touch.” 

She continued the short militant instructions. 

“I know this isn’t the most comfortable position… but that’s not the point” she put a hand on my shoulder and ‘helped’ me make my elbows touch. 

She bound them together with the ropes, tightening the knots and I consciously held back the whimper that tried to crawl out of my throat. 

This was far from pleasant. Not only did it put tension on my ever aching shoulders, it aggravated the welt on my back from her whip. 

“Don’t forget to use your safe word” she warned me as she leaned in from behind me and I could practically feel her lips on my ears. The sensation made me shut my eyes as it sent an electric shiver down my spine.

“Now comes the fun part…” she chuckled and led me over to a table where she made lean over so my torso was pressed against it.

I let myself be as limp as a doll that she could bend and twist as she wanted, if it pleased her. It was my only defence against the dull throbbing of my joints. 

I could hear her shuffle and move things around behind me but I didn’t dare move or strain to satisfy my curiosity. 

“This might feel a little strange”.   
As she said that I heard a squirt and not a second later her finger was touching me between my buttocks. 

“Spread for me” she commanded as her slippery finger was rubbing up and down my crack; making me gasp and yearn each time she touched the sensitive part that was my anal opening. 

Clumsily I stepped apart, trying to cater to her whims. I spread so wide that my feet were touching either leg on the end of the table she had me pressed against. 

“Breathe, in… out… in… out…”she instructed me and I followed her, my chest heaving and falling at her demand.   
Her finger moved in the same slow rhythm. 

“Relax” she cued and the finger invaded my ass.   
It slipped in a lot easier than I had anticipated when I had tried to imagine what it felt like… 

She moved her finger in and out, faster and faster, twisting and kneading it inside me and I found myself mewling and shivering. 

I had been overly brave as I spread my legs, I had no balance left and the only things holding me in place was the surface of the metal table and her finger. 

“You’re enjoying this” she pointed out triumphantly and in that instant another finger joined the first. 

She scissored her fingers and seemed to be creating more room in my anal cavity. Slowly but very surely relaxing my sphincter muscle. It simply, willingly, gave into her coaxing. 

“Have you ever done this to yourself?” she leaned in and pushed her fingers knuckle deep into me; making me gasp out in surprise. 

“No, Miss A.” it came out in a breathless whimper. 

“Okay, I think you’re ready” she abruptly withdrew her fingers and went to dry them off, washing them with disinfectant liquid. 

“You surprise me Mira” she flashed me pleased a smile as she grabbed the hook she had prepared. “Who would have known that little Mira liked having her ass teased”. 

She walked behind me. Her heels clicked loud on the floor. 

Fear gripped me for a second. 

The fact that I didn’t know exactly what her plan was, was driving me crazy… but in a way it was a good fear. 

It was an adrenaline rush. 

“It will be more fun once you can handle the bigger sizes… but with this particular part we need to start slow” her hand was caressing my bottom carefully. Rekindling the fire that started burning as her long fingers had worked on my insides.

“Now deep breath in… and hold it” 

I held my breath, trying carefully as I could to adjust the ropes around my elbows. 

“This will be a bit cold… sorry about that” 

I failed to hold my breath as the lubricated balled end of the hook was pressed against my opening and with little resistance popped inside me; my sphincter closing around the hook. 

“Stand and straighten up, slowly” she whispered and the ‘slowly’ part of the order was redundant. 

As I stood up I felt how it shifted inside me.

“Just let me fasten that, and you’re ready. Don’t move”. 

She was yanking on the knots and suddenly the hook was attached to the ropes keeping my elbows together. Meaning that every time I moved or squirmed the hook would move and pull on me. 

“Now we can have fun”.


	39. Secured

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh. Sorry! Hopefully there shouldn't be too many delays in the future. And I hope you like this chapter. 
> 
> I've dealt with a lot of things the past month... trying to get into therapy and being told by two different people that since my worst issues are from things that happened in my childhood and I am still alive today "maybe you don't need help". Among other things... 
> 
> On a brighter note my absence also involves a little week in London to see Hamlet with Mr Cumberbatch! 
> 
>  
> 
> But anyway. I really hope you can forgive me and still want to follow this story! 
> 
> Enjoy!

My heart was in my throat pounding away, and yet deep within I felt I was filled by a calm like I had never experienced before. 

I was secure… 

Yes, that was why.

I was about to be hurt, physically.   
I was going to experience pain… much more pain than the sensation I got from the hook that was pulling on the flesh of my anus as I stood up. 

But I felt safe. I wanted this, I craved this. I needed her to control me. 

I needed her.

And she knew it. 

She enjoyed it even. 

“- A bit wobbly” She noticed I had begun to sway… my poor balance didn’t make this any easier.   
“Step over to me, carefully” She called me towards her. 

I took a few awkward steps; the metal pulling on my insides and I was in real danger of toppling over.   
She saw it and was next to me within a heartbeat; directing me over to the cross. 

“Lean back” she told me and gently pushed me against the contraption before I even had time to react and obey.   
The padded leathery surface welcomed me. 

The cross was slanted at a slight angle; just enough to stop me from falling.   
The faux leather created friction, helping as well to keep me in place. 

She licked her lips as I stood there before she knelt down and locked the black leather cuffs that were built into the cross around my ankles; opening my legs. 

The knots behind my back might have been a rusty part of her repertoire; but securing the cuffs was second nature to her. 

“How’s that?” she straightened up and admired my position. 

Savouring her work…

I once again tried to set my shoulders into a more comfortable position and sighed at the sensation of the hook that moved once again. 

“Good, thank you Miss A.” I kept my eyes on hers; trying to control my breath. 

“Now it’s time to make you squirm, don’t you think?” she smiled a little too wide.   
That dangerous, playful glimmer in her eyes had returned. 

As she walked over to her instruments to make her selection my chest began to heave and fall rapidly with my breathing, even this made the ropes pull on the metal. 

She was just out of my eyesight, allowing for my curious mind to wander. 

I tried to stall my breath… 

‘One breath… hold… one more… no… ah…’. 

She knew what she did…

She came back in view holding a black roller in her delicate hand; the roller being something that looked like it might have belonged in a medieval kitchen; but covered with long thin spikes protruding from the roll. 

I chewed my lip as she carelessly placed it on the small table next to the cross. 

Now I had to physically remind myself to continue to breathe, for fear of passing out…

“The perfect tool for a body as sensitive as yours” there was a danger in her tone of voice. 

She walked up to me; standing just an inch from my body and I held my breath.  
My wide eyes looking at her; desperately trying to read her mood… to guess the next move. To get any clue from her.

But it was an impossible game to play with her. I had lost on beforehand. 

She suddenly grabbed my whole right breast hard, in a crushing grip. 

I gasped jumped shocked, as if I had been electrified; this movement pulling harshly on the implement inside. The sensation made me gasp again.

The beauty of this form of restriction… 

Her thumb pressed hard into my nipple that was erecting under her touch; but she continued to keep it pressed down. 

I heaved for air hoping to be relieved soon; but the harder she pushed. 

I felt the pounding start, dull at first and my head bowed to look at the sight. She pushed her red nail into the delicate skin and my teeth dug even harder into my bottom lip. 

“Don’t bite your lip” she snapped. Her thumb never easing. 

My teeth let go instantly. 

When she finally let go I felt as if my body melted.   
I stretched; having forgotten about the rigid thing impaling my anal cavity and I yelped.

She put her thumb to her lip, flicking her tongue over it. 

“We can’t have you bite your pretty lip to pieces” 

Her thumb brushed softly over my bottom lip. 

I leaned forward, trying to kiss it; drawn to her. 

She walked back to her collection of instruments and returned with a red gag ball. My eyes widened in a cold fear. The warmth her thumb on my lip had created left my body instantly.


	40. Gagged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the 2 month delay! 
> 
> I've had some difficult times, my boyfriend being sick, me dealing with and trying to get rid of some real life demons (some of which parts of this story is inspired by), still struggling to get mental help etc... 
> 
> But, anyhow... here is chapter 40!

My mouth went dry as a desert and every troubled breath was only drying out my tongue further. My tongue was getting rigid. 

No, please. 

I was not ready for that. 

In fact I was panicking; my eyes wide with a sudden fear that was gripping my heart and lungs and squeezed so painfully tight… 

I was desperately searching the very recess of my brain for a way to get out of the ropes and the peculiar position she had put me in.

\- My body now wanting to defend myself against her; finding a point right between the fight and flight response. 

Maybe if I pulled hard enough on the ropes around my elbows could I pull the hook straight out of… there? 

If I fought hard enough could I actually escape? 

Maybe I could kick my feet free?

My muscles were tensing; getting ready…

Why the hell was she gagging me? … What about ‘Pink’!? 

How could I stop her now if I needed to? Was she really taking away the very last of my own control, my safety? 

Wasn’t it her who kept reminding me to use that damned safeword? 

“Breathe” she whispered; her hand fondling my cheek and I tried to wrestle free of her; not caring that the movement tore at the hook and my sensitive flesh. 

The state of panic I had gotten myself into made even her sweetest touch seem hurtful. 

“Mira!” She shouted to get my attention.   
She had noticed how I had gotten myself worked up.

I froze in fear of her; staring at her with my wide eyes… my teeth chattering. 

I was brought back down to earth with a bang.

“I am not going to fasten it, you can spit it out as soon as you feel the need to” she calmly explained to me. I felt she was trying to hide it, but between the lines I read her annoyance that I had not been able to figure it out.

“Understood?”

I drew a sharp breath and nodded at her; her hand still on my jaw helping me to nod. Controlling my response. 

“Understood” was the last word I was allowed to say. 

I relaxed, visibly even. Every muscle that had gotten ready to burst out of the ropes eased…

Her strong hand on my jaw pried my mouth open and in a slick move she popped the ball between my teeth and my mouth closed around it. 

My tongue curiously inspected the foreign object. It had an oily taste… not the most pleasant… but she didn’t offer me time to linger at that thought for too long. 

She pinched both of my still erect nipples between her fingers; tweaking them and it made me respond by trying to twist free of her; surprised by her change of touch. 

My teeth dug hard into the gag as my face contorted; trying to deal with the pain. 

They were so much more sensitive than a moment ago… The intensity of the pain it caused shot straight through me and made me sink my teeth into the rubber with a low hiss. 

“So responsive… and yet you can handle so much” she mused; seemingly admiring me. 

Her fingers still held me in a painful crushing grip that made every muscle in my body tense again; though this time in a much different way… and the tensing went all all the way to my anal muscles; clenching around the metal.   
My back arched in reaction; trying somehow to work against the unfamiliar sensation… 

“You fascinate me” her voice was breathy, hushed even. 

She finally let go of my now throbbing nipple and I practically fell forward and was about to topple over before she pushed me back against the cross; but not before my body had given a jolt of shock. The movement again dragging on my delicate anus. 

“Easy now” she laughed; laughed at how my body responded to her. 

She brushed her hands lovingly over my breasts; a whole new sensation that made me bite into the ball as the shivers ran through my spine like bolts of lightning. 

She had control of every second. 

She knew exactly what she was doing to me with every move however small… I might be a new instrument to her but she was an expert player. 

She stepped away from me; allowing me to catch my breath before she grabbed the roller in a firm confident grip; almost as confident as the riding crop that always seemed to be an extension of her arm.

She held it up for me to see and tested it on her thumb; showing me that it did indeed rotate… 

I was sure this was only for my sake, to warn me of what I had in store… 

“This is a Wartenberg Wheel” she emotionlessly informed me. The lecture continued… and I was her star pupil; she owned my full attention. 

“It might sting a little though…” she took a step closer to me; her eyes meeting mine… there was a danger in those blue eyes.


	41. Fight It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the sweet comments! I enjoy working on this story, even if at times it's hard. And it means a lot to know people are still hanging on! 
> 
> Enjoy!

She held the wheel less than an inch from the skin of my breath; I tried to calm my breathing… I feared if my chest expanded too much I would sting myself on the needles. 

She took a long time… a damn long time! 

“Are you sure you can handle it?” she finally mocked me. 

I nodded way before I could even think. 

I needed something to happen. There was a need building up in my system. I needed it. 

Please. Miss A. Please. 

My mind was begging, though I was still afraid… I knew how sensitive I was to even the gentlest touch there… could I really handle it? 

I whimpered loudly; muffled by the red rubber ball between my teeth as the first spike bit down on the upper part of my breast.   
My body moved; in the very same movement it tried to escape and get closer to her. 

It burned. It stung… but I felt how my nipple grew even harder… my skin grew hot and tight. I forgot all about the metal uncomfortably filling my backside. 

Slowly she rolled the wheel closer to my nipple. I was breathing hard through my nose, harder the closer she got. 

My biggest fear was that she would stop now. That she would decide it was enough… that I wasn’t strong enough…

Please! 

But just before the wheel even touched she took it away from me. My eyes widened. 

Why?! 

She grinned. 

Oh that bitch. How could she grin now! Fuck! 

Finally the roller returned to my skin, this time she repeated her work on my other breast… stopping just as I thought the pin would bite into my rock hard nipple; she took it away. 

Had my arms not been tied behind my back I would have grabbed her hand and moved it back; like a baby robbed of her candy. 

“You like it” she voiced the obvious. 

I nodded desperately. I had a feeble hope this would make her give in and give me what I wanted. 

“You want it?” she put her face close to mine. I felt her warm breath on my cheek. 

Her hand slid down my body, my skin trembled under her gentle, light touch and I felt an urge to cross my legs… the lower she got, the stronger was the tingle.   
She reached behind me and carefully pulled on the hook. 

“Gah!” I yelped into the gag. My eyes closed and my body cramped deliciously. 

“It’s doing the trick, huh” she whispered almost inaudible. 

She stepped away from me again and weighed the wheel in her hand; giving me a thorough look. 

Bloody hell. Why couldn’t she just give me what I needed? Did she really have to drag this out? 

She had full control over my pain… my pleasure… 

Finally the roller returned to my flesh, this time going from the underside of my breast… slowly going upwards. Deep down I knew I wouldn’t be so lucky, but internally I begged for her to speed up her scheme. 

She didn’t… once again she stopped just before. The same was done to my other breast. 

She put the roller on the table and I watched with wide eyes, almost feeling a sorrow.   
I had a burning need to know what it felt like when one of the thin needles sank into my nipple! 

She admired her work as the skin on my breasts burned. I could still feel where the wheel had stung me. It felt amazing as it throbbed and my heart raced. I was so warm! 

She stepped close to me again and leaned her face against mine. I heard her breathing in my ear. Her hand once again slowly travelled down my body and I held my own breath. 

This time her hand didn’t seek my behind, but my front. She reached between my legs and easily slid in between the slick lips.   
She pinched my engorged clit. 

“You’re soaking” she whispered right into my ear. I felt myself salivate from her touch. My hips bucked. 

“Try not to cum, fight it” she moaned against my cheek as her hand began to work on me. She rubbed, tickled and pinched and I tried to close my legs and tighten… fighting the cramps she set in motion… my eyes closed hard. 

It was a monstrous task to stop what was happening. Her movements combined with the ball that seemed to grow inside as I clenched. 

My whimpers were muffled. She knew I was struggling and her movements got even more persistent. 

“Fight it” she hissed the order. 

I clenched tighter, making the ball hurt my insides… I yelped and suddenly I was set off… I bucked and writhed as if I was possessed. Her hand didn’t stop moving. 

“Good girl” she sighed to me as she let me ride out the orgasm, her fingers still tickling me. It seemed to take forever, just as I thought the waves would slow down her fingers took me back to another high. 

I finally fell limp, unable to keep my own balance. 

“Good girl, Mira” she cooed and traced her fingers lovingly over my face. She pulled the gag from my mouth before she undid the ropes and unceremoniously made me bend over so she could slip the hook out of my anus that seemed to gasp now it was released.   
It gave me a new cramp as it popped out. 

I felt so sleepy now; the room seemed to grow dim. 

She smiled at me as she noticed my yawn. She dropped the ropes on the floor and grabbed me instead and carried me all the way to my room. I cuddled up in her arms and buried my face in the sleeve of her night gown… much like I had done that night Macy saved me. 

I was barely conscious when she tugged me in. She kissed my cheek just before I dozed off and I heard her whisper. 

“Good girl”.


	42. Lipstick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To answer a previous comment, Sherlock will make his entrance again; I can't say when or how as that would be spoiling the fun.

In the morning it was the sunlight that woke me up I and stretched my limbs; much like a lazy feline. 

I stood out of bed and for the first time in forever I actually felt rested.   
I felt as if I had awoken from a dark haze… My body felt light; my feet were not weighed down for once. 

I rubbed my eyes and stretched my spine once more. 

I was so rested I felt like I might not even have been fully awake yet. 

Was this a dream?

On the dresser wasn’t left a dress for me as I expected; but a fluffy light pink dressing gown and a fancy looking box of bath salts waited for me. 

On top of the folded gown was a note:

“Mira

You earned yourself a nice relaxing bath, as soon as you get up go to the downstairs bathroom and draw yourself one.   
Be careful not to soak your dressing. 

Miss A”

I wrapped the soft dressing gown around my naked body and instantly hugged it. It was so warm and gentle to the touch. I sighed. It felt comforting. Almost like a hug… if I liked hugs…

I almost did a barefoot waltz on my way to the bathroom, clutching the bath salts. 

 

…

 

As soon as the door was shut behind me I released the gown and let the fabric slide off my body to the floor. 

I examined the box curiously. Rose and vanilla. Oh that sounded like a sweet heaven! I licked my lips. 

I knelt to open the faucet, finding an acceptable temperature after a few tries. Perhaps a little on the warm side… but I couldn’t care. 

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror; I had a smile on my lips. I smiled even wider at myself. 

It was a lot easier to look at that girl today.

I added the salts to the water and inhaled the amazing scent. It was a rush even.   
A sugar rush… 

My hand idly ran over the dressing. The damaged skin it hid was buzzing.   
My teeth sank into deep my bottom lip. I remembered the moment she slapped me back to my senses. 

Fuck. 

I climbed into the tub; carefully sitting myself down and kept the bandaged arm resting on the side. 

Scenes of last night flashed before me as I felt myself disappear into the vanilla and rosy fumes. 

A weird gargle came from my throat when I had a sudden revelation. 

She got her way. Again. 

She wasn’t happy when I had told her I didn’t deserve pleasure… I didn’t… but… that’s what she gave me! 

My centre twitched and I crossed my legs in the bath. Gosh. Those strong fingers did know what they were doing…

Why was she being so kind to me? 

Wasn’t I just supposed to be her guinea pig? 

‘Do you think she cares about you?!’ that pesky voice at the back of my head laughed; mocking me.

No. That was a stupid thought… 

She needed to train those knots, and the use of that hook-thing as well. Right? 

Obviously. 

My waking her up in the middle night only sped her schedule along. 

‘Who would ever care for someone like you?’. 

I felt the sting of a teardrop in the corner of my eye. 

In protest I abruptly got out of the tub and let out the water; with it the sweet salts. 

 

…

 

Back in my room was left a black long sleeved floor length dress, a black velvet choker that closed with a small silver chain; a dark brown eyeshadow, mascara, eyeliner and blood red lipstick. 

I couldn’t remember the last time I put on makeup. 

Oh.   
No. 

I could… No… 

When I was finally dressed and had put on the choker and stepped into the Louboutin’s I grabbed the makeup with surprisingly shaky hands. 

I was happy to find makeup remover in the bathroom as the eyeliner kept slipping for me. She had even graced me with an easy to use felt tipped one. But I was too fiddly… 

When I was finally satisfied with my eyes; I applied the lipstick to my lips.   
I wondered if this was the same shade as she used. She made it look so elegant! I couldn’t live up to that…

I knew I would have trouble keeping this off of my teeth. Gosh, to know I used to have black lips as a teenager! 

I carefully walked down to the dining room to find her waiting for me; wearing a much similar dress. She beamed at me approvingly as I sat down facing her.   
I licked my teeth behind my lips in case I had already gotten lipstick on them. She would not approve of that I suspected. 

“I need your assistance and full cooperation today” she let me know as Kate placed the lunch plates in front of us; I really had slept in today. 

Her tone was unreadable and my stomach was in knots. 

Kate quickly scooted out of the room again; I felt her glare. I was certainly not in her good books.


	43. "I Am Scared"

The way Kate had looked at me made my appetite drop immediately. 

Maybe I shouldn’t have woken Miss A. up… perhaps it had been better I had handled it alone, somehow…

“You need to eat” Her voice sounded sweet; almost caring even. It made me uneasy.   
The voice at the back of my head knew better. 

“Yes Miss A.” I replied as curtly as I could and picked up my bruschetta and began to eat; carefully. 

“Is something troubling you?” she saw straight through me. I swallowed and felt the bread scratch my oesophagus going down. 

“I’m fine, Miss A. Thank you.” I made sure to remember to use her title. I did not want to upset her.   
I just wasn’t so sure if it was for hers or for my own benefit… perhaps it was that I just needed to do well at something for once. 

“I will remind you that you can leave here anytime you like, okay sweetie?” she leaned forward; showing me her kindest face. 

Sweetie… oh. Had I really earned that privilege back already? I thought she had stopped calling me that when I disappointed her? 

My eyes strayed to my wrapped wrist.

I didn’t feel like I was ready…

“I know that, Miss A.” I kept my responses brief and took another small bite. My body worked mechanically; I felt queasy and worried if I ate much more I would have another episode in the kitchen sink… I never wanted to repeat that. 

“Good” she smiled at me, with her most dashing of smiles. Was she trying to cheer me up? 

“I need you to assist me with a client today” she turned the subject back to pure business; she wasn’t getting far with trying to talk about me. 

“Yes, Miss A.”

How exactly was I supposed to help her? My mind drew a complete blank.   
Somewhere deep down I was curious, as well as horrified. There were two likely scenarios and I tried to dismiss both of them. 

“You don’t have to do anything, sweetie” she reached for my hand. Just then I felt I had begun to shiver.   
I wanted to retrieve my hand the second our skin made contact. I stopped myself; thinking it was the wisest move.   
“I only need you to watch, I’d like to explore a bit of voyeurism with him” A sinister smile crept on her lips. 

I held my breath long enough for my chest to start burning.   
I recognized that look in her eyes. The professional dominatrix. 

“You’re just going to stand there and watch, you don’t speak; not unless I address you” her professional face stayed on as she instructed me. “From the moment we enter you stand close to the door. Don’t take your eyes off of him. If you feel uncomfortable; fight it” she looked into my eyes; wanting to know if I understood the rules. I nodded solemnly. “Be strong” 

“Y-yes. Miss A.” I choked on my own voice. 

It was one thing to have watched her in action on a screen… but to have to be in the room… My heart thumped hard in my chest.   
The mere thought scared me. 

And, what scared me most was the thought of being in the room with a man; a man who would be sexually aroused and brought to a point where he wouldn’t be able to think clearly. I knew all too well what could happen when a man only could give into his needs.

My heart stopped beating, sitting in my throat, growing… threatening to throttle me. 

What if… No, not again. Never again. 

“Mira?” her voice sounded so far away. I could no longer feel her hand on top of mine. I had grown cold and numb. 

She pinched my hand hard with her fingers. The pain brought me back to the room; gasping for air.   
I forced myself to focuse on her. 

“Sweetie?” She looked at me with wide eyes. My spacing out had shocked her. I had cracked her dominatrix façade…   
“What happened?” she wondered carefully. 

I bit my lip hard. 

“speak to me” she remained kind, but somehow there was a threat hiding between the lines. 

I was tempted to flash her a smile and tell her I was just fine… but my sphincter twitched and reminded me of how well that went last time. 

“I am scared” I confessed. I couldn’t find any words to explain it further to her.   
There were many ways to explain that I had an irrational but very real fear that somehow I brought out the sexual demons in any men I got close to… but none of them came to me. 

“Of him?” she raised a brow and couldn’t hold back her relieved chuckle. “Oh sweet Mira. I’ll tie him down and give him what he deserves. You should know I am, and I will always be in full control” her eyes burned into me. 

I nodded silently. Agreeing. 

She reached for me, holding my chin; in what must have looked like a delicate grip to someone observing it; giving my face a good look.   
Her fingers were remarkably strong for her size though.

“We need to redo the lipstick”. 

She had finished her lunch while we talked, and to my relief allowed me to get away only having eating one of the bruschetta’s on my plate. 

 

…

 

She took me to her bedroom and sat me down at her vanity table. I tried to keep my eyes on her; ignoring the reflection. 

“Don’t you know you’re supposed to use powder over the lipstick?” she muttered disapprovingly as she wiped it off my lips.   
“Open your mouth, as if you’re about to go ‘Oh’” she said, and I did. 

She applied a layer of her own blood red lipstick; I kept my eyes on hers… watching her concentrate on filling my lips, it made her brow furrow just a little.   
She put the lipstick back on the table reaching for a paper tissue with one hand, the other grabbed the powder brush and dipped it. She placed the tissue over my lip and dabbed the brush over the tissue.   
“Lube also works for keeping the colour in place” she informed me as she put away the makeup. Lube? “Though that makes it a bit too shiny for you. The matte look is a lot more attractive”. A genuine smile flashed on her lips and I felt it radiate to my stomach, setting off a little butterfly… 

“You’re ready. Be strong” she reminded me of the task at hand.


	44. Filthy Swine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I thought this would feel better to write...

The time came before I knew it. I felt numb waiting outside her special room. The client was already inside. 

Miss A. gave me a wink before she donned her dominatrix face. She straightened herself… and in she strode.   
Dutifully I followed a few steps behind her. 

My heart was in my throat, I nearly forgot how to breathe 

There in the middle stood a miserably naked man of stocky build. 

I remembered the brief and kept my eyes on him. I even tried to imagine I was somewhere else to comfort myself. 

Being close to the door was a small comfort and made me handle to anxiety a lot better. 

“On your knees” Her tone was harder than what I had heard before. I almost forgot she wasn’t speaking to me and was about to comply. 

The man scuttled onto his knees. His hands rested in his lap, hiding his wrinkly manhood from my view. A fact I was relieved about. 

His eyes caught mine. I was struggling to keep my calm. His small eyes bore into me, and it made me feel sick. 

“I thought you’d like to be watched” Miss A. gestured towards me. “You like being watched, don’t you? You dirty pig” she snarled.   
She sounded angry; it felt like this was more than just her job. There was more at stake I was sure.

“Yes Mistress…” his voice was breathy. Those eyes were still on me. 

“Have you had unclean thoughts again?” she grabbed her riding crop and circled him. “Oh, is Mira distracting you?” she snapped, letting the crop hit his backside. He flinched; his face hardened but there was no crying out. 

“Sorry Mistress” he replied emotionlessly. 

“Or does she remind you of her?” Miss A. mocked him, the crop sliding over his skin.   
I was trying to avoid his eyes, so mine followed the work of the leather. 

“I should let you taste your own medicine” she bent down slowly towards him. “Get your filthy ass over to the caning bench”. Now he was shivering as he followed her order; staggering onto his feet.   
He bent himself over a metal bench padded with black leather. 

Very unceremoniously Miss A. secured the red leather shackles that was built into the structure onto his hands and thighs after having put away her trusty crop. His knees were protected by leather pads… It didn’t seem like the most uncomfortable position to be in…

She picked up a cane from her collection of implements. He gasped as he noticed that, and once again his eyes returned to me. 

“Mistress, may I come with a proposal?” his voice was hushed. He should know he was in no position to bargain with her.   
He didn’t pay her to be kind. Did he? 

“I’m not sure you have such privileges, you filthy swine” she came closer and expertly cut through the air with the rattan cane.   
It had a singing sound… making both him and I jump. 

Yet another insult. She really didn’t like this man. 

“Please Mistress, can she do it?” he was adjusting himself.   
He sounded way too eager for my liking… 

I felt all the blood rush from my head.   
Please don’t make me. Please… 

The cane howled on its way to its destination. His exposed buttock.   
He stilled, his muscles cramped; but he refused to cry out. 

“Mira is not qualified” she leaned over him “Just like her” 

Like who? My head was buzzing. 

“Please Mistress, Please!” he begged, quite pathetically even.  
Once again the cane hit him; hard and fast. Twice.   
That was his answer. 

As he rode out the pain she walked over to me. 

“Mira, could you help me?” she whispered. 

My eyes widened in panic. I thought I would faint. 

“Pretend he is one of the men who hurt you. I’ll be right here” she grabbed my wrist gently; looking directly into my eyes. “Use any anger you have” she planted the cane in my hand. “His stop word is ‘Circus’. ‘Clown’ means slow down”

I felt numb as I approached him. Miss A. had my back as she promised, standing close to me.   
She held my wrist and helped me make the first attempt. I felt the feedback in my hand as the rattan hit his skin. It instantly left a red mark on his skin; though not quite as red as the 3 previous. 

Miss A. let go of my hand. I was on my own now… I remembered her words and imagined he was one of those… the next hit became stronger… the next one even stronger. 

I think I almost forgot he was human for a few seconds. I barely let the cane hit him before I raised my hand again. 

He was cramping, his hands clenched and his feet curled. 

“Good girl Mira. Show that pig what it’s like” she rooted for me.   
I hadn’t noticed it, and nor had Miss A. but I had tears streaming down my face. 

It was not right. It was not worth it. 

With the next hit I broke the skin. My mouth fell open, Miss A. encouraged me to continue still. The man whimpered, but he hadn’t spoken a word.   
As I let the cane hit him again it made a drop of his blood hit my face. I dropped the cane to the floor. 

I froze completely. 

Miss A. grabbed me, rubbing my arms in a comforting gesture. She put her lips to my ear.   
“Run now, go shower. I’ll find you later”. She barely finished speaking before I sprinted out of there.


	45. Noncompliant

I didn’t stand still before I found myself in the bathroom; and barely even managed to stop when I reached the sink. My hands gripped the white glazed china for dear life and I retched. 

Oh god. It felt like all of my intestines twisted in one painful peristaltic motion. 

I saw the red streak of blood on my cheek in the mirror. His blood… His gross, filthy blood. On my skin. And it was drying, turning sticky as it coagulated… I imagined how it was seeping into my pores, being absorbed… 

Fuck. 

With shaky hands I turned the faucet on, letting the water run hot, soaking my hand and roughly began to wash my face. Rubbing hard, barely noticing how it stung or how the water burned my hands. 

I just wanted to feel clean… 

My throat was tight; I knew I could be doubling over any minute.   
Salty tears were streaming down my cheeks, making my cheek sting even worse. And I somehow welcomed that sensation. 

The pain always helped grounding me…

I screamed loudly when a hand laid on my shoulder; probably trying to stop me from destroying my poor face.

“Are you okay?” Kate wondered, baffled. 

I didn’t stop, I was still rubbing that dirty cheek frantically; slowly realizing it was my entire body that was dirty… my mind too. 

Oh what had I done??

“I’m gross” it felt like my lips moved themselves. I didn’t want to talk to Kate…   
I didn’t want her, or anyone for that matter, to see me in this pathetic state. 

“Want me to draw you a bath?” she really tried to understand what I was on about. 

I do wonder how crazy I must have looked to her. 

I bit hard into my bottom lip and no other words came from my mouth. 

The only sounds I made were frustrated grunts as I could still see the blood on my face, mixing with flashes of what had happened in that room… and what had happened in the past with the men Miss A. had made me imagine that he was…

Dutifully and carefully Kate undressed me, somehow without looking at me, wrapped my arm in a plastic bag and prepared the bathtub and helped me in. 

It was a caring act, but I knew she didn’t truly care about me. How could she? 

“She is still wrapping up with her client, I’ll tell her to come and see to you when she’s done, okay?”

I didn’t even look at her. But I nodded. And she left me alone; closing the door behind her with a soft click. 

In my eyes the water was turning greasy so fast, turning into a pool of my own grime and shame… as if all and everything that had ever happened to me was still stuck to my skin.

I let myself sink; forgetting the dressing on my arm… holding my breath and closed my eyes… wanting so badly to forget everything… 

I fought my own body as it wanted to get up; my lungs were beginning to realise they were running out of air; and the only way to acquire more was to sit up.   
I flexed my muscles… holding myself down. 

I should have known by now that it’s near impossible to drown yourself that way… I learned that lesson years ago… but that was the thing, wasn’t it? 

I never learned. 

I don’t think I wanted to die, actually. I just wanted to disappear… like I did way back then when I took swim lessons in school and I was clinging to the bottom of the stairs in the deep end of the pool… hiding myself away from the funny looks and the laughs… and if anyone had ever asked what I was doing I’d simply say I was practicing holding my breath… 

If anyone had cared about me… 

I put my hands against the sides of the tub, keeping myself down… my lungs burned. 

‘Just a few more minutes’ that voice from the back of my head whispered, trying to soothe my body’s natural panic reflex.

I felt my heart beat rapidly… oh that damn muscle. It had survived so much, way too much. 

I didn’t want to die… right? I just wanted peace… I wanted the pain to end, the emotional as well as the physical. 

I wanted to be numb. 

But, this wasn’t numb. This hurt. My body was pricking and stinging, my chest cramping as my poor lungs and heart seemed to try to claw their way out of my noncompliant body and make it to the surface… back to the horribly oxygenated world…


	46. S-sorry

But my deprived organs did win. With a jolt I sat up; gasping for air… desperately trying to fill my lungs. 

Somehow my lungs hurt worse now; probably overfilling now they finally had their precious air supply back. 

My hand gripped at my chest… and I began to wail. I felt too weak to move, so I sat there in the water; shivering violently and sobbing grossly. 

Every muscle in my body felt weakened and completely useless. 

Not even this could I do right. 

The thought did strike me; that perhaps now my body was weak it would be easier… perhaps I’d pass out? 

That made me cry out. 

I think that was the last remaining piece of my sanity reacting to such horrible ideas. 

I felt cold so suddenly, so cold I might have been sitting in an ice bath. But I was still too frozen to get out. So I stayed where I was. 

And I stayed like that until she rushed in. Miss A was still wearing everything she had been wearing in there, with him… 

Once again a wave of flashbacks hit me and I felt my lungs reaching for air once again. 

“Sorry sweetie” she beamed, in a good mood. “It took a bit to clean up. You gave him just what he deserves” she bent over and ran her hand over my dripping wet hair. 

She kept talking; oblivious to what I had just been through in the bathroom. 

“Your bandage is soaked” she finally realized something, slowing down. 

“S-sorry” I choked on the very air my lungs so craved…

“Don’t worry, we’ll change it.” She said, like it was nothing. 

I blinked. Why wasn’t she mad? I had ignored a simple instruction! 

“How is your cheek?”

My cheek? Oh… yeah. Kate had caught me scrubbing through layers of my own skin. The minute she asked it began to throb. 

“It’ll be okay” I carefully brushed my hand over it. 

“I’ll have a look at it” she smiled so kindly. “Come, let’s get you out of the water, you’re shivering” she stated the obvious… she had a habit of doing that. 

I tried to stand but my legs had turned to jelly. There was no strength left in me.  
She saw it and helped me sit back down so she could grab a towel before she tried again; assisting me to stand and as soon as I was about to fall she had wrapped the towel around me and held me in her arms… carrying me to my bedroom. 

Having carefully laid me on the bed she kissed my forehead so gently, so caringly it almost hurt. 

“I’ll be back in a moment” she brushed her hand over my cheek; making it buzz. 

Miss A finally re-emerged with a tray, holding towels, various products and bandages… ready to nurse me. 

I felt tears press behind my eyes and I fought a brave battle to keep them in. Why was she being so sweet with me? Why? 

She wrapped a towel around my hair; laying another on the pillow I had soaked through during her short absence. 

“Just lay still, I’ll do the work” she told me as I tried to sit up; wanting to help her help me at least. 

I couldn’t do much else but be her rag-doll that she could move as she wanted.  
She placed a towel under my arm and carefully removed the plastic bag, and then the wetted bandage. 

“It’s healing” she sounded pleasantly surprised as she unveiled the mess I had made of my arm. 

I didn’t know what to respond to that. So I just smiled in response. She smiled back at me. 

Did I want it to heal? 

“I have to disinfect it… can you bite into this?” she produced a clean cloth and I nodded. She placed it between my teeth and I closed my teeth around it. 

“Good girl” she fondled my jaw “I’ll hurry”

What the hell. 

And it did burn. My teeth almost bit the cloth to pieces as I screamed soundlessly into it, my body despite being weak trying to rise from the bed; trying to escape from the sensory assault. 

Her face had an expression I just couldn’t deal with. 

Worry.


	47. Zebra

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, please be aware of Self-harm triggers. Read at your own risk, and please proceed with caution.

Swiftly and skilfully she began wrapping my arm in a fresh bandage; as if she had done little else her entire life. 

I managed to have a quick peek at the damage left from that potato peeler. The wound was slowly healing I suppose, but it still looked ghastly… 

I couldn’t hold back the frown. That was going to leave a scar that could never fade, not even if I lived long enough.   
It would always be one that people would see and quickly look away from… scared to hurt my feelings; but I’d still see their reaction, and it would; or they would ask and I wouldn’t know what answer to give.   
Just like it happened with the deep scars that already adorned my skin and had for so many years… tokens from my mess of a life, a map of my lost battles. 

My eyes scanned my poor arm; a whole collection of scars and cuts in their later stages of healing… that stage that itched like you wouldn’t believe; and it wasn’t easy to resist the urge to scratch them until they bled again... inviting to a never ending cycle of self-destruction. 

I could hear my mother’s voice so clear in my head; so clear in fact that for a second I worried she was there and my body tensed.   
Zebra, she said. I looked like a stupid zebra with all those stripes.   
She had said it with disgust… not a second of worry or concern for her only daughter’s mental state… only disgust at what her horrible child had gone and done now, and how it would reflect back on herself if anyone she knew should notice… 

Oh the horror, should anyone know that I was not the perfectly well trained daughter they all praised her for raising all on her own. 

Just like she had worried more about her relationship to the mother of that man who hurt me beyond repair when I was just thirteen years old… I could never forget the words she said when I finally confessed to her; years later… asking me who knew, and threatening me not to tell another soul. 

Not to mention the fact that she assumed I had done something to deserve that… and it became a knackering, persistent doubt in my own mind. 

Then suddenly my train of thought jumped… what was she telling people about my disappearance? The note I left on her kitchen table might as well have been a suicide note. She couldn’t be telling them that? Her perfect daughter, that she raised so well all on her own; offing herself.   
She probably told them I had moved abroad for work? I doubt anyone would buy that I had moved for love, let alone my real reason for leaving… 

“Mira?” Miss A.’s concerned voice brought me back to the present. She carefully brushed her thumb over my cheek.   
“What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” she tilted her head, and wiped my cheek again… wiping away tears I didn’t realize I was shedding.   
“Your arm is healing well, sweetie” she held my hand; so gently.   
So gentle it almost hurt. 

She tried to reassure me… tried to comfort me…

“You’re so far away” she sighed, caressing the palm of my hand. 

She was right. I was one thousand kilometres away. 

“Sorry” my voice creaked. I sounded as small as I felt. 

“No, it’s me who’s sorry” she made an effort to look into my eyes “Mira, sweetie, I should have known you weren’t ready for that. I pushed you too far. It’s my fault”. Her blood red lip trembled as she spoke. 

“I-I didn’t say ‘Pink’” I reminded her; something in me wanting to comfort her as well. 

She leaned in and kissed the top of my hand. Her lips felt so very soft and warm. 

“I broke my responsibility. I knew better” she kept holding on to my hand. “Can you forgive me?”

It was an absurd situation.   
She had spanked and whipped me… and now this she asked me to forgive her.

I nodded. 

“Oh” she suddenly had an epiphany and straightened her back and gently put my hand back down. “How is your cheek feeling? I brought a deep cleansing mud mask. I thought you might enjoy that” she moved some of the things on the tray, showing me a glass jar and a soft sponge. 

She helped me to sit up on the bed against the pillows and quickly braided my hair to get it out of my face, then she grabbed the warm and damp sponge and carefully washed my face. With a smile she padded it an extra time on my nose.

“You’ve got such a cute little nose; did you know that?” she chuckled. 

And I automatically frowned. That nose… it was always the last resort when the bullies in school ran out of subjects and absurd rumours.   
It was too small, too short, too upturned. Then there was the drama teacher who cast me as a mouse; because I had the face for it. 

I think I was one of the only women who had googled the price of a rhinoplasty enlargement rather than reduction or correction. 

Suddenly she ran her finger down the short length of it and I knew she had noticed it… the hairline scar from my own hand… My eyes closed and I sighed as if it was still sore.

“Miss A.” I stopped her. Taking a deep breath. “Can I come with a request?” my voice was still weak, but I chose my words carefully. 

She washed my nose one last time and put down the sponge. Finishing stage one of the facial. She unscrewed the lid of the glass jar holding the clay before she answered me with a nod. 

“Of course, sweetie. What is it?” she put on gloves as she spoke. I watched her; feeling a jolt of electricity from within; remembering when she last used gloves. 

“Would you mind using the cane on me? I need to know what it feels like” I could physically feel my pupils dilate. 

She sighed and put two of her fingers into the product. 

“Not tonight, Mira. You need to rest” she moved closer to me and started to apply the cold mask to my face. 

“But…” I protested; realizing that it was an actual need more than curiosity

She put a clean finger on my lips to silence me. 

“I’ll make sure you can sleep. Maybe tomorrow”


	48. Not Happy

In protest I bit my lip to keep myself hushed and allowed her to apply the rest of the mask.   
The coolness of it calmed down the stinging of my cheek. Oh it was a relief. 

And when she was done she put everything neatly back on the tray. Everything had a place. Even that sense of order soothed me. 

“I’ll get you a cup of tea, that should help you sleep. Don’t move too much, the clay needs to dry… it’ll itch if it cracks” she warned me. 

Oh, I had tried mud masks before… but I gave her the most careful nod I could manage to let her know I understood and appreciated her help. 

She was away for long enough for my mind to start wandering down that dark path again… I gritted my teeth. 

I could not cry. Not now. It would show on the drying clay that had started to slightly contract on my face. Tightening my skin as it drew out the oils. 

I tried to remind myself that the mask was cleaning my pores; goodness knew how much grime they must have held on to after everything… I felt like the smog and dust of London still clung to me; as if it had become part of me.

I could never forget how black the water had been when Miss A. allowed me my first shower when she picked me up from the alley. 

I was never built for the city, was I? I had grown up on the country side… green fields on both sides of the house. When I started attending school in the big city my nose would gather the black pollution like flies on flypaper… every time I took a breath. 

The only place I had been able to breathe was when I walked away from my mother’s house, across one of those green fields… atop a hill where I’d sit and hug my knees.   
I’d be able to see the sea to one side… more fields to the other… it felt like the green was endless from there.   
Oh how I loved that spot… not just for the clean air; but there no one could see me. No one knew to find me there. I was free… for as long as I could stay before a slap awaited me for being disobedient. 

I tried hard to imagine I was back on that hill… that the long untouched grass was tickling my bare knees… 

Somehow it worked; and I was only pulled back to reality when I heard the door open. Miss A. returning with the tray… this time it held a bowl of water, fresh cloths and a cup of steaming tea.

I smiled at her; and just like she promised the clay cracked. The itch was instant. And persistent. 

She chuckled at me

“Told you to sit still” she tutted; obviously knowing from experience. 

“Sorry Miss A.” 

“So, let’s get this stuff off you. You should be fresh as new now” she sat down on the bed and dipped a cloth in the water. I sat still as a rock as she skilfully unmasked me. 

“You’ve got great skin” she commented as she washed off the last of the clay. “you’re quite lucky” she continued the small talk. 

“I suppose I am, thank you Miss A.” I replied out of duty rather than a need to converse. 

“You’re tired. It’s been quite an eventful day for you” she concluded on my reluctance to speak. I just nodded. 

It was an easier answer. 

“I forgot to ask how you take your tea… but I hope you don’t mind” she handed me the neat and fragile looking china cup. It reminded me of those my mother kept at the back of her cupboard, that I was positively not to touch. 

I took the cup carefully. If my mother would have spanked and slapped me for breaking one, what would Miss A. do to me? 

Oh… maybe. Maybe that was my way to get what I needed… 

But I dismissed it and blew air on the hot liquid. The tea rippled in front of me.   
I took a careful sip. It was Earl Grey, just a splash of lemon… and some strange aftertaste. Maybe it was the brand. Maybe I wasn’t used to the upmarket brands I would assume she was using… 

“It’s good for you” she coaxed me to drink more. And I did. 

But no sooner than I had finished the cup did I feel numb. My eyelids felt immensely heavy. 

Perhaps it wasn’t the brand after all… 

 

…

 

My mouth was dry as a desert when I could open my eyes again. The room was semi dark and it took my brain a while to remember where I was. 

I wanted to get out of bed and look for a glass of water to moisten my mouth. My tongue felt like it had actual cracks in it’s surface; and the sparse saliva I could produce only made it sting. 

My leg wouldn’t move. Nor would the other one… my eyes finally got used to the poor lighting and I could see that my legs had been shackled to the bed. 

I sat up, wanting to stretch. I couldn’t pull my hands apart; no matter how hard or desperately I tried. I then found my thumbs had been taped together; my hands left on my stomach in a praying position. 

I heaved an annoyed sigh. 

How could she know? 

“I’m not happy, Mira” a cold voice came from the dark corner of the room.


	49. Fix You

“Water” my basic need overruled the fear of what kind of trouble I had gotten myself into this time. 

“How could you?” she ignored my plea. 

“Water, please” talking hurt. 

“You could have told me” the coolness melted slightly; but only for a second “You could have hurt yourself”

“Sorry” my voice ran out; my throat was simply too dry. 

“Mira!” she got on her feet from the chair she had been sitting on; waiting on me to wake. She obviously wanted me to know she was serious.   
It certainly had that effect. 

Even breathing hurt now. I desperately needed water.   
Awkwardly I was flailing my taped hands trying to alert her to my distress. 

Miss A. heaved an exasperated sigh and ran off to fetch me a glass of water, offering me a taste of mercy. 

When she returned she slammed the door shut behind her and turned on the lights; I tried to cover my eyes; having gotten used to the semi-darkness the light flooding the room blinded me. 

Eying the water I reached out for it; unconsciously. By now my throat had started to thicken.   
My body itself was scared of running out of air. 

Again… 

“It’s an unfortunate side-effect of the drug I’m afraid” she frowned. Still holding onto the precious resource. 

Finally she sat down on the side of the bed.   
Her eyes looked stiffly into mine and my hands reached for the glass still but she held it away from me. 

This was crossing the line. This was torture. 

She grabbed my braid and pulled my hair back, with it my head… it opened my mouth. And finally she poured the water into my mouth and I drank it greedily.   
I almost choked on it; but I could not care. I wanted it all. Every drop. 

I needed it.

“It’s not a joke” she continued to fume after letting go of me. My neck snapped back in place and I gasped. 

“I know…” I tested my voice, it was coming back with the lubrication. However harsh. 

I was still thirsty, even now. 

“Do you want to die?” her voice was low this time, and she sank her teeth nervously into her blood red lip. 

“No” I stuttered, way too quickly. 

“Mira I promise I didn’t want to drive you to that… I should have been wiser”. She couldn’t even look at me. 

Wait. No. 

Her guilt was suffocating me  
My heart muscle cramped much like it had in the bathtub. 

“Maybe it’s time for you to go. Before it’s too late” her voice was still hushed. 

Go. Go where? 

“This is not what you need. I thought I could cure you… but I can’t” She continued.   
“I can’t help you, like I couldn’t help her”

Her? Who? 

Tears welled up inside of me and burst through my eyes.   
No… please. No. 

She wrapped her arms tightly around me. 

“Mira, you’re not her” she cooed. But it seemed like it was mostly to herself. 

“Who?” I croaked between the tears I couldn’t control.   
I was overtaken by a fear so strong. The fear that she would leave me too. That once again I’d be on my own… that once again I messed up too bad. 

“That man… he hurt a young girl” she held me at an arms-length and took a good look at my face. I sobbed loudly, trying to stifle my silly outburst of emotions.   
“A young girl like you… I knew her. She looked a lot like you…” her voice was now barely a whisper. 

Only now did I realize she was looking through me, rather than at me. She was seeing a ghost. 

“He broke her beyond repair… I tried to fix her and I couldn’t…”

Her blue eyes got glassy. She… she of all people was about to cry. I wanted to put my arms around her and hug her… but the tape on my fingers stopped me.

“I thought I could fix you” she repeated. 

Fix me… so that’s what she called it?


	50. Liberty

With jittery hands she wiped her eyes, careful not to touch her makeup. And suddenly she looked as if she never showed weakness at all. 

I offered her a weak smile to acknowledge that her attempt had worked. Something deeply imbedded in me wanted to comfort her. 

“I hate him” the spite in her voice was thick. 

As if I didn’t know… it had been so clear in that room, that way she treated him. 

I nodded. I was wondering what was the correct way to respond. Did one even exist? 

“The things he did to her. She couldn’t live with it. She was haunted constantly… it never got better. Until she just couldn’t cope” Miss A.’s lip was quivering. Her fingers were clenching in anger. “The bastard was never convicted. Never punished in the slightest… and she had to pay the ultimate price. And I couldn’t help. I tried, Mira. In countless ways. But it was never enough…” Her blue eyes burned. 

I realized now I was holding my breath and that my teeth were dangerously close to breaking through the delicate skin on my lips. 

“Mira I’m sorry” she held her breath too “That time I saw you in the alley I saw her… I kept seeing her in your eyes” she explained, putting her hand on my scarred arm. I felt a shot of painful electricity. 

That fear of touch was back. 

“I thought I had a second chance. I realize I’ve only made it worse for you… I saw what you did in the bathroom…” again, with stating the obvious. I knew that the second I realized I had been restrained again. 

She didn’t trust me anymore… And she never would again. 

“And I drove you to it…” her eyes sought the sheets between us. “When he asked if you could… I couldn’t resist. That’s what I wanted for her. I wanted her to get the revenge she deserved…” she confessed. 

She heaved a loud and painful sigh. 

“I will install you in a flat, I’ll make sure you never have to worry about money. And you will never see me again” she refused to look at me as she delivered my sentence. 

How could I have been so stupid? Why… 

With those words my world ended. 

My body cramped and I broke apart. It felt like every atom in my body ripped itself away from the others. I literally felt myself being ripped into shreds. 

It really was true. People would always leave me. I would always do some stupid thing that drove them away from me. 

That was me. 

‘The girl no one wanted.’

“Hey” she cooed and held me close to her again. She leaned my head against her chest; and I heard her heart race. 

“You deserve better” she whispered to me. 

No I didn’t… 

Words failed me. I wanted to scream at her to not leave me. I wanted to beg for another chance. Just one. Please. Just one little chance… 

I couldn’t stop crying. The longer she held me, the longer I seemed to wail. It reminded me that soon I was on my own again. 

She sighed again and gently let go of me. She undid the shackles on my feet 

“I don’t want this… but you need it” she sounded reluctant as she pulled me to my feet. 

I think she was struggling to put on her face, the dominatrix face… but she did it out of curtsy to me. One last time.

She carried me all the way to the room where she put me back on my bucking feet. My body was truly falling apart.  
She unlocked the door and helped me inside, locking it again from the inside. 

My tears were already subsiding slightly. 

She sat me down on the bench that man had been chained to. I quickly reminded my panicking mind that she was very keen on cleaning her equipment and the surfaces… it helped, if only slightly. 

“I need to teach you a few things. Before I let you go…” she looked at me. “If you acquire another Dominatrix or Dom even” she took a deep breath “I have a feeling you might”

I dried my eyes awkwardly with my bound hands. 

I couldn’t even think that far. But what could I do but listen? 

“You know this already. Your safe-word is important. The moment it is ignored, is the moment you leave, and don’t look back. Not even once” 

I nodded, pretending to take mental notes. 

“Don’t let anyone who doesn’t know what they are doing perform sadistic acts”

I nodded again

“Always make sure the implements are intact and in working order”

Once again I gave a nod. 

“Aftercare is always required. They must help you calm down after”

Okay… 

“When in doubt say no” 

I bit the inside of my cheek. 

“Understood” I chirped. My voice finally working. 

“Okay. I will give you what you need…” she reached for the rattan cane from earlier. I felt my eyes grow. “I will not restrain you however… you are in control this time” she stepped forward and ran the back of her hand lovingly down my cheek.  
The look on her face was one of sorrow and even worse… caring. 

“Here” she helped me get into a kneeling position, and then on my hands and knees; resting on the padded bench. 

“Okay?” she looked into my eyes. I nodded

“Okay” I allowed the first hit. I heard the cane sing the second before it hit my naked skin. It was instant, it was hard and I felt it burn instantly, and then it burned hotter. And hotter. 

I cried out. Surprised at how it actually felt. It was nothing like I imagined it. And nothing like her hand… or mother’s. 

Somehow I think she wasn’t even using her full strength… and maybe she wasn’t meaning to. 

“Again?” she asked. Her voice had a tremor.

“Please” I whimpered. She placed the cane just next to where the previous hit had been; preparing. Taking her air… and… ‘Whack’. 

My body stretched. My muscles cramped all at once, unclenched and then got back to being tense. Ready. I closed my eyes. 

“Again?” she asked… I replied the same. This time I was gasping it. She repeated the motion, moving the cane just above the last mark… The blackness became a sea of white light as the rattan hit my bottom. 

And so it continued until the 10th. I was crying, but for another reason… and for some reason my cramps now started from between my legs… at that wet, wetness… and my begging was becoming a lot more breathier. 

“I can’t” I heard her exclaim and the cane hit the floor behind me. 

My free fingers were digging into the leather. I stretched and moved. 

No… wait… more. 

Not now. Please. 

“Mira, you deserve better than this” she whimpered. “Don’t move” she begged me. 

She found a cooling gel and applied it to my poor bottom.  
I sobbed at the sensation. My nerve-endings were screaming for me.  
It was a wildfire ripping through my body. Radiating from my angry cane-stripes. 

Not many more words were spoken… 

She picked me up and got me back to the room and laid me on the bed; on my stomach. And I was pretty glad to stay in that position. 

It prickled and burned… but she did know me well… that pain relaxed me. And I think the mental exhaustion helped as well. 

I fell asleep. 

 

…

 

When I finally woke a dress was waiting, along with a sandwich. Telling me it was lunchtime before I ever looked at the time. 

But something else quickly caught my eye. A pink suitcase. And over it my black faux fur coat. And my eyes widened. 

I crawled onto my feet, careful not to let anything touch my bum. I rushed to my coat and sank my fingers into the fluff. Now realizing my hands were no longer restricted. 

I sighed at the familiar comfort. I chewed on my lip and searched the pockets… I pricked my finger on my rusty friend. Still sharp enough to pierce my skin… I sucked the blood away. Filling my mouth with that metallic taste.  
The apple had been replaced with a fresh one and the money was still there. 

I brought the coat to my nose, taking a deep sniff; rubbing my cheek on it. Sadly, the cleaning of it had removed that ‘homey’ scent… but it felt just like the day I tried it on in that second-hand shop back home…

Next to the plate was a letter. I opened the envelope; finding a card, a key and a note.

“My dearest Mira.  
A cab has been arranged for you at 2. It will take you to your new home. I strongly advise you to stay away from me henceforth.  
I have packed a selection of dresses for you and enclosed is a card for an account in your name.  
The doctor will tend to your wounds as needed. He will make his first visit tonight. 

I wish you all the best, Mira. I truly do. I give you the freedom Jennifer was never granted. Use it wisely. 

Your Irene Adler”

And that was it. That was how it ended. 

I left the sandwich but I did take the cab that she had ordered. I tried my hardest to not look as awkward as I felt having to sit down.  
Luckily the drive was not too long. We stayed in central London.  
The cabbie was kind enough to help me with my back all the way to the door… 

It was a small flat, but fully furnished. The cupboards, fridge and freezer were fully stocked. I was wanting for nothing. 

But the silence was deafening from the moment the door closed behind me. 

I felt empty. Hollow even… Rootless. 

And it continued for days. I found myself walking past her house every day; even without meaning to… secretly hoping she would be outside, or I’d catch a stolen glimpse at her from one of the windows… 

And I feared it too… what would I do if I did? I had screwed this up too badly… 

One day two men were knocking on the door as I passed; one of them a young vicar with dark curls… I couldn’t place it, but he felt familiar. He was obviously upset… ringing the door desperately.  
After that day I never saw her again… the whole house seemed empty. 

I tried to find Macy; after finding a small fortune on that account I thought I could do her some good. I owed her a lot more than I could give her.  
But no matter who I asked no one seemed to know her. Those who even wanted to talk to me that is… even if I offered cash for it… like Curly Hair… 

And then I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t be more sure. It’s not like anyone would miss me anyway. 

…

 

That night I got everything I needed. As some sacrificial lamb I removed my clothes and neatly arranged them. 

I’m not even sure if it was a tribute or a form of blind punishment when I picked up the rusty blade and carved the letter ‘A’ into my chest. A truly scarlet letter… for her. 

I even took the pills. Handful after handful and swallowed them down. I went that far. 

But not even that could I do right… I threw up all over myself and the new carpet…  
I was a mess. Literally. 

I grabbed my phone and called the ambulance myself… scrambling to get myself somehow cleaned up and found a dress to slip into; forgetting the bleeding A that stained through the fabric the moment they knocked on my door… and I let them in. 

Choosing life. Remembering Miss A.’s words… I chose freedom rather than liberty… in death. 

Who knows… maybe one day I might see her again…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A teacher of mine once told me to never write 'The End'. But I'm afraid it is. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the story so far.  
> And I will not lie. I had another ending in mind (isn't that often how it is?) But for personal reasons I have to part with Mira now. 
> 
> Mira has been based on a part of myself. A part of my story that I need to let go of. 
> 
> I am however working on another story (not featuring Mira unlike 'The On-call Corpse' etc.) but with a fresh character I hope you will welcome. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has been reading, offering comments and kudos. It has meant more than I think you know <3


	51. Afterword

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I felt Mira deserved to have one last say
> 
> (Be aware that there might be a slight spoiler for 'The On-call Corpse'

I found this, along with her letter the other day; or rather… I was searching for it. My account of my time at the skilful hands of Miss A. and what she did for me. What she did to me.

I don’t even know where to begin… so many things have happened since. So much… 

I don’t even know if I’m the same girl anymore. In a way I feel like I’m the girl I was at the beginning; before meeting her. 

And isn’t that a shame? 

After all, I think she did me a lot of good. I practically, well nearly, stopped harming myself after that whole embarrassing incident with the A on my chest; and the following stay at the psych ward as a result… but I always did need an outlet… she was right about me. 

I did find one for a while; Mr Holmes. But I’d rather not talk about him… not right now. It’s a bit too fresh. 

I mean… how… how dared he? 

Anyway. I’m about to leave… I’m about to go back. Back out there… I have to get away; disappear. 

I am debating whether or not to leave this notebook behind or take it with me. I know I will always remember every little part of those days with her; Miss A, regardless… 

I will remember that she cared. I will remember what she taught me… I will remember Jennifer as well. I don’t want to die… it’s not my plan. I just need to get away… away from everything. I can’t handle it anymore. 

I can’t trust myself… not if I stay.

I think I am losing my mind. 

I actually thought I saw her today. The times I’ve passed her house it’s been empty since that day. I almost wondered if she was ever real… if I had made her up. 

I did google her; I found her website… I found her twitter. She was real. But it says that she died. I don’t believe it… I saw her. 

I saw her after the date it said in the obituary. She visited me; in fact. I don’t know if I should be writing this down… but she visited me. 

It was brief; but one day there was a knock on the door and there she stood… her hair unkempt; wearing a loose brown shirt. She burst into a smile as she saw me. I felt my own mouth open in a sweet wonderment. 

“How are you keeping?” she asked, letting herself into my home… my home that she had paid for. So I suppose she was entitled. 

“I’m well…” my voice trailed off as I followed her with my eyes. She poured herself a glass of water in the kitchen. 

“You look well” she beamed at me and gulped down the water; gasping with thirst. 

“Thank you” I wondered if I could say the same… I had never seen her so… domestic? So down to earth… human? 

“I’ll be on my way… I’m sorry for dropping in like this” she put her hand on my shoulder as she strode past me… out of the door, and out of my life… but I could still feel her hand there…

My life was turned upside down again the minute she closed the door. 

I missed her… I miss her. I probably always will. I miss what we had… whatever that was. 

She’s not really someone you can just shake off… she stays under your skin. 

I don’t know what the point of writing this was, or if it makes any sense… but maybe it was what I needed. To put it into writing so I could end it with a dot on the paper. 

I guess this is it then… I’m off… 

 

Oh, and Sherlock… if you’re reading this… I told you not to look for me. 

 

-Mira.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [you got me in chains (for your love)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8248219) by [missadlers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/missadlers/pseuds/missadlers)
  * [Chained](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11757627) by [This_is_The_Phantom_Lady](https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_is_The_Phantom_Lady/pseuds/This_is_The_Phantom_Lady)




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